WOMAN
The reason we never hear of a self-made woman is because she changes the plans so frequently that the job is never finished.
If They Meant All They Said
Charm is a woman's strongest arm;
My charwoman is full of charm;
I chose her, not for strength of arm
But for her strange, elusive charm.
And how tears heighten woman's powers!
My typist weeps for hours and hours:
I took her for her weeping powers—
They so delight my business hours.
A woman lives by intuition.
Though my accountant shuns addition
She has the rarest intuition.
(And I myself can do addition.)
Timidity in girls is nice.
My cook is so afraid of mice.
Now you'll admit it's very nice
To feel your cook's afraid of mice.
—A.D. Miller.
"De little girl," said Uncle Eben, "dat's allus takin' her dolly and dishes an' sayin' she won't play, grows up to be de lady dat says unless she's de chairman dar ain' g'ineter be no meetin'."
"Brown acknowledges that he knows nothing about women."
"What an immense experience with them he must have had."
"Does your wife neglect her home in making speeches?"
"Not a bit of it," replied Mr. Meekton. "She always lets me hear the speeches first."
A lady was sitting in the garden with the family stocking basket beside her, and was examining the holes in her little boy's socks, when the old gardener came by with his wheelbarrow. "What beats me," he remarked, "is you ladies. Always lookin' for what you don't want to find!"
"Hello! Is this a party wire?"
"My dear sir, it's worse. It's a woman's party wire."
A red-haired, freckle-faced boy of fourteen, weighed down with the responsibility of his first essay, walked into a city library the other day. He approached the reference librarian rather timidly, standing on one foot, then on the other, and finally said:
"Say, boss, I've gotta write an essay on 'Woman.' Where'll I begin?"
"I was outspoken in my sentiments at the club today," said Mrs. Garrulous to her husband the other evening. With a look of astonishment he replied:
"I can't believe it, my dear. Who outspoke you?"
A party of Americans were dining in Paris with Premier Clemenceau, when one of the Americans was heard to say: "I'll bet she will—"
"I wouldn't do that," interposed Clemenceau—"bet on anything that she will do. You can never tell what a woman will do."
"Ah," said the American, "but you interrupted me too soon, monsieur. I was going to say that I would bet that she would do the unexpected."
"Ah, but don't do that, either," cautioned Clemenceau. "Even that is not a safe bet."
The most consoling thing about going to the cinemas is seeing so many women in the pictures opening their mouths and not saying a word you can hear.
When lovely woman wants a favor,
And finds, too late, that man won't bend,
What earthly circumstance can save her
From disappointment in the end?
The only way to bring him over,
The last experiment to try,
Whether a husband or a lover,
If he have feeling is—to cry.
—Poebe Cary.
During the flu epidemic in San Francisco, when all public meeting-places were closed, and the entire population was compelled to wear masks to prevent the spread of the disease, a drunken man was overheard muttering:
"Well, I'm an old man, but I have lived my time and am ready to quit. I have lived to see four great things come to pass—the end of the war, the churches closed, saloons left open, and the women muzzled."—Judge.
A crabbed old misogynist said to Ethel Barrymore at a dinner in Bar Harbor:
"Woman! Feminism! Suffrage! Bah! Why, there isn't a woman alive who wouldn't rather be beautiful than intelligent."
"That's because," said Miss Barrymore calmly, "so many men are stupid while so few are blind."
HE—"When I proposed to Flossie she asked me for a little time to make up her mind."
SHE (the hated rival)—"Oh! So she makes that up too, does she?"
Woman is certainly coming into her own. Even in tender romance she is exerting an influence.
The young man had just been accepted. In his rapture he exclaimed, "But do you think, my love, I am good enough for you?"
His strong-minded fiancée looked sternly at him for a moment and replied, "Good enough for me? You've got to be!"—Judge.
ONE—"Yes, in a battle of tongues a woman can always hold her own."
THE OTHER—"Perhaps she can. But why doesn't she?"
Young Arthur was wrestling with a lesson in grammar. "Father," said he, thoughtfully, "what part of speech is woman?"
"Woman, my boy, is not part of speech; she is all of it," returned father.
During the recess period several teachers became engaged in a heated argument over that old theme, "Man versus Woman."
"Well, anyway," concluded the dyspeptic male teacher of Latin, "women are more finicky than men."
"Recite an instance, please," put in the dainty little teacher of domestic science.
"If a woman loses a stitch, she'll unravel a ball of yarn trying to find it."
"That's nothing, compared with what a man will do," she came back quickly. "If a man loses a quarter in a card game, he'll spend $10 trying to win it back."
Woman—A Mistress of Arts, who robs a bachelor of his degree, and forces him to study philosophy by means of curtain lectures.
See also Age; Clothing; Epitaphs; Fashion; Talkers; Wives; Woman suffrage; Worry.