ACT II.
Scene I. Rochester. An inn yard.
Enter a Carrier with a lantern in his hand.[2227]
First Car. Heigh-ho! an it be not four by the day,[2228]
I'll be hanged: Charles' wain is over the new chimney, and
yet our horse not packed. What, ostler!
Ost. [Within] Anon, anon.[2229]
First Car. I prithee, Tom, beat Cut's saddle, put a5
few flocks in the point; poor jade, is wrung in the withers[2230]
out of all cess.
Enter another Carrier.[2231]
Sec. Car. Peas and beans are as dank here as a dog,[2232]
and that is the next way to give poor jades the bots: this[2233]
house is turned upside down since Robin Ostler died.[2234]10
First Car. Poor fellow, never joyed since the price of[2235]
oats rose; it was the death of him.
Sec. Car. I think this be the most villanous house in[2236]
all London road for fleas: I am stung like a tench.[2237]
First Car. Like a tench! by the mass, there is ne'er a[2237][2238]15
king christen could be better bit than I have been since[2239]
the first cock.
Sec. Car. Why, they will allow us ne'er a jordan, and[2240]
then we leak in your chimney; and your chamber-lie breeds[2241]
fleas like a loach.20
First Car. What, ostler! come away and be hanged!
come away.
Sec. Car. I have a gammon of bacon and two razes of[2242]
ginger, to be delivered as far as Charing-cross.
First Car. God's body! the turkeys in my pannier are[2243]25
quite starved. What, ostler! A plague on thee! hast thou
never an eye in thy head? canst not hear? An 'twere not[2244]
as good deed as drink, to break the pate on thee, I am a[2245]
very villain. Come, and be hanged! hast no faith in thee?
Enter Gadshill.[2246]
Gads. Good morrow, carriers. What's o'clock?30
First Car. I think it be two o'clock.
Gads. I prithee, lend me thy lantern, to see my gelding
in the stable.
First Car. Nay, by God, soft; I know a trick worth[2247]
two of that, i' faith.[2248]35
Gads. I pray thee, lend me thine.[2249]
Sec. Car. Ay, when? canst tell? Lend me thy lantern,
quoth he? marry, I'll see thee hanged first.[2250]
Gads. Sirrah carrier, what time do you mean to come
to London?40
Sec. Car. Time enough to go to bed with a candle, I
warrant thee. Come, neighbour Mugs, we'll call up the
gentlemen: they will along with company, for they have
great charge. [Exeunt Carriers.[2251]
Gads. What, ho! chamberlain![2252]45
Cham. [Within] At hand, quoth pick-purse.[2253]
Gads. That's even as fair as—at hand, quoth the[2254]
chamberlain; for thou variest no more from picking of
purses than giving direction doth from labouring; thou
layest the plot how.[2255]50
Enter Chamberlain.
Cham. Good morrow, Master Gadshill. It holds current
that I told you yesternight: there's a franklin in the
wild of Kent hath brought three hundred marks with him
in gold: I heard him tell it to one of his company last
night at supper; a kind of auditor; one that hath abundance55
of charge too, God knows what. They are up already, and
call for eggs and butter: they will away presently.
Gads. Sirrah, if they meet not with Saint Nicholas'
clerks, I'll give thee this neck.
Cham. No, I'll none of it: I pray thee, keep that for[2256]60
the hangman; for I know thou worshippest Saint Nicholas
as truly as a man of falsehood may.
Gads. What talkest thou to me of the hangman? if I
hang, I'll make a fat pair of gallows; for if I hang, old Sir
John hangs with me, and thou knowest he is no starveling[2257]65
Tut! there are other Trojans that thou dreamest
not of, the which for sport sake are content to do the profession
some grace; that would, if matters should be looked
into, for their own credit sake, make all whole. I am joined[2258]
with no foot-land rakers, no long-staff sixpenny strikers,[2259]70
none of these mad mustachio purple-hued malt-worms; but[2260]
with nobility and tranquillity, burgomasters and great oneyers,[2261][2262]
such as can hold in, such as will strike sooner than[2262][2263]
speak, and speak sooner than drink, and drink sooner than[2263][2264]
pray: and yet, 'zounds, I lie; for they pray continually to[2265]75
their saint, the commonwealth; or rather, not pray to her,[2266][2267]
but prey on her, for they ride up and down on her and[2267][2268]
make her their boots.[2268]
Cham. What, the commonwealth their boots? will she
hold out water in foul way?80
Gads. She will, she will; justice hath liquored her.
We steal as in a castle, cock-sure; we have the receipt of
fern-seed, we walk invisible.
Cham. Nay, by my faith, I think you are more beholding[2269]
to the night than to fern-seed for your walking invisible.[2270]85
Gads. Give me thy hand: thou shalt have a share in
our purchase, as I am a true man.[2271]
Cham. Nay, rather let me have it, as you are a false
thief.
Gads. Go to; 'homo' is a common name to all men.90
Bid the ostler bring my gelding out of the stable. Farewell,[2272]
you muddy knave. [Exeunt.[2273]
Scene II. The highway, near Gadshill.
Enter Prince Henry and Poins.[2274]
Poins. Come, shelter, shelter: I have removed Falstaff's
horse, and he frets like a gummed velvet.
Prince. Stand close.
Enter Falstaff.[2275]
Fal. Poins! Poins, and be hanged! Poins!
Prince. Peace, ye fat-kidneyed rascal! what a brawling[2276]5
dost thou keep!
Fal. Where's Poins, Hal?[2277]
Prince. He is walked up to the top of the hill: I'll go
seek him.[2278]
Fal. I am accursed to rob in that thief's company: the[2279]10
rascal hath removed my horse, and tied him I know not[2280]
where. If I travel but four foot by the squier further afoot,[2281]
I shall break my wind. Well, I doubt not but to die a fair
death for all this, if I 'scape hanging for killing that rogue.
I have forsworn his company hourly any time this two and[2282]15
twenty years, and yet I am bewitched with the rogue's[2282][2283]
company. If the rascal have not given me medicines to
make me love him, I'll be hanged; it could not be else; I
have drunk medicines. Poins! Hal! a plague upon you[2284]
both! Bardolph! Peto! I'll starve ere I'll rob a foot further.[2285]20
An 'twere not as good a deed as drink, to turn true[2286]
man and to leave these rogues, I am the veriest varlet that[2287]
ever chewed with a tooth. Eight yards of uneven ground
is threescore and ten miles afoot with me; and the stony-hearted
villains know it well enough: a plague upon it[2288]25
when thieves cannot be true one to another! [They whistle.][2289]
Whew! A plague upon you all! Give me my horse, you[2290]
rogues; give me my horse, and be hanged!
Prince. Peace, ye fat-guts! lie down; lay thine ear
close to the ground and list if thou canst hear the tread of[2291]30
travellers.
Fal. Have you any levers to lift me up again, being
down? 'Sblood, I'll not bear mine own flesh so far afoot[2292]
again for all the coin in thy father's exchequer. What a
plague mean ye to colt me thus?35
Prince. Thou liest; thou art not colted, thou art uncolted.
Fal. I prithee, good Prince Hal, help me to my horse,
good king's son.
Prince. Out, ye rogue! shall I be your ostler?[2293]40
Fal. Go, hang thyself in thine own heir-apparent garters![2294]
If I be ta'en, I'll peach for this. An I have not ballads made[2295]
on you all and sung to filthy tunes, let a cup of sack be my[2296]
poison: when a jest is so forward, and afoot too! I hate it.[2297]
Enter Gadshill, Bardolph and Peto with him.[2298]
Gads. Stand.45
Fal. So I do, against my will.
Poins. O, 'tis our setter: I know his voice. Bardolph,[2299]
what news?[2299]
Bard. Case ye, case ye; on with your vizards: there's[2300]
money of the king's coming down the hill; 'tis going to the50
king's exchequer.
Fal. You lie, ye rogue; 'tis going to the king's tavern.[2301]
Gads. There's enough to make us all.[2302]
Fal. To be hanged.
Prince. Sirs, you four shall front them in the narrow[2303]55
lane; Ned Poins and I will walk lower: if they 'scape from[2304]
your encounter, then they light on us.
Peto. How many be there of them?[2305]
Gads. Some eight or ten.
Fal.'Zounds, will they not rob us?[2306]60
Prince. What, a coward, Sir John Paunch?
Fal. Indeed, I am not John of Gaunt, your grandfather;[2307]
but yet no coward, Hal.
Prince. Well, we leave that to the proof.[2308]
Poins. Sirrah Jack, thy horse stands behind the hedge:65
when thou needest him, there thou shalt find him. Farewell,[2309]
and stand fast.
Fal. Now cannot I strike him, if I should be hanged.
Prince. Ned, where are our disguises?
Poins. Here, hard by: stand close.70
[Exeunt Prince and Poins.[2310]
Fal. Now, my masters, happy man be his dole, say I:[2311]
every man to his business.
Enter the Travellers.[73]
First Trav. Come, neighbour: the boy shall lead our[2312][2313][2314]
horses down the hill; we'll walk afoot awhile, and ease[2314]
our legs.[2314]75
Travellers. Jesus bless us![2314][2316]
Fal. Strike; down with them; cut the villains' throats:[2314]
ah! whoreson caterpillars! bacon-fed knaves! they hate us[2314][2317]
youth: down with them; fleece them.[2314]80
Travellers. O, we are undone, both we and ours for ever![2314]
Fal. Hang ye, gorbellied knaves, are ye undone? No,[2314][2318]
ye fat chuffs; I would your store were here! On, bacons,[2314]
on! What, ye knaves! young men must live. You are[2314][2319]
grandjurors, are ye? we'll jure ye, 'faith.[2314]85
[Here they rob them and bind them. Exeunt.
Re-enter Prince Henry and Poins.[2320]
Prince. The thieves have bound the true men. Now[2321]
could thou and I rob the thieves and go merrily to London,
it would be argument for a week, laughter for a
month and a good jest for ever.
Poins. Stand close; I hear them coming.[2322]90
Enter the Thieves again.[2323]
Fal. Come, my masters, let us share, and then to
horse before day. An the Prince and Poins be not two[2295]
arrant cowards, there's no equity stirring: there's no more[2324]
valour in that Poins than in a wild-duck.
Prince. Your money!95
Poins. Villains!
[As they are sharing, the Prince and Poins set upon them; they all run away; and Falstaff, after a blow or two, runs away too, leaving the booty behind them.[2325]
Prince. Got with much ease. Now merrily to horse:
The thieves are all scatter'd and possess'd with fear[2326][2327]
So strongly that they dare not meet each other;[2326]
Each takes his fellow for an officer.[2326][2328]100
Away, good Ned. Falstaff sweats to death,[2326][2329]
And lards the lean earth as he walks along:[2326]
Were 't not for laughing, I should pity him.[2326]
Poins. How the rogue roar'd! [Exeunt.
Scene III. Warkworth Castle.[2330]
Enter Hotspur solus, reading a letter.
Hot. 'But, for mine own part, my lord, I could be well contented
to be there, in respect of the love I bear your house.' He[2331]
could be contented: why is he not, then? In respect of[2332]
the love he bears our house: he shows in this, he loves
his own barn better than he loves our house. Let me5
see some more. 'The purpose you undertake is dangerous;'—why,
that's certain: 'tis dangerous to take a cold, to sleep, to
drink; but I tell you, my lord fool, out of this nettle,
danger, we pluck this flower, safety. 'The purpose you undertake[2333]
is dangerous; the friends you have named uncertain; the time[2334]10
itself unsorted; and your whole plot too light for the counterpoise
of so great an opposition.' Say you so, say you so? I say
unto you again, you are a shallow cowardly hind, and you
lie. What a lack-brain is this! By the Lord, our plot is[2335]
a good plot as ever was laid; our friends true and constant:[2336]15
a good plot, good friends, and full of expectation;
an excellent plot, very good friends. What a frosty-spirited
rogue is this! Why, my lord of York commends the plot
and the general course of the action. 'Zounds, an I were[2337]
now by this rascal, I could brain him with his lady's fan.20
Is there not my father, my uncle, and myself? lord
Edmund Mortimer, my lord of York, and Owen Glendower?
is there not besides the Douglas? have I not all
their letters to meet me in arms by the ninth of the next
month? and are they not some of them set forward already?[2338]25
What a pagan rascal is this! an infidel! Ha! you shall[2339]
see now in very sincerity of fear and cold heart, will he to
the king, and lay open all our proceedings. O, I could
divide myself, and go to buffets, for moving such a dish of
skim milk with so honourable an action! Hang him! let[2340]30
him tell the king: we are prepared. I will set forward[2341]
to-night.
Enter Lady Percy.[2342]
How now, Kate! I must leave you within these two hours.[2343]
Lady. O, my good Lord, why are you thus alone?
For what offence have I this fortnight been35
A banish'd woman from my Harry's bed?
Tell me, sweet lord, what is 't that takes from thee
Thy stomach, pleasure, and thy golden sleep?
Why dost thou bend thine eyes upon the earth,[2344]
And start so often when thou sit'st alone?40
Why hast thou lost the fresh blood in thy cheeks;
And given my treasures and my rights of thee
To thick-eyed musing and cursed melancholy?
In thy faint slumbers I by thee have watch'd,[2345]
And heard thee murmur tales of iron wars;[2346]45
Speak terms of manage to thy bounding steed;
Cry 'Courage! to the field!' And thou hast talk'd
Of sallies and retires, of trenches, tents,[2347]
Of palisadoes, frontiers, parapets,[2348]
Of basilisks, of cannon, culverin,50
Of prisoners' ransom, and of soldiers slain,[2349]
And all the currents of a heady fight.[2350]
Thy spirit within thee hath been so at war[2351]
And thus hath so bestirred thee in thy sleep,[2352]
That beads of sweat have stood upon thy brow,[2353]55
Like bubbles in a late-disturbed stream;[2354]
And in thy face strange motions have appear'd,
Such as we see when men restrain their breath
On some great sudden hest. O, what portents are these?[2355]
Some heavy business hath my lord in hand,60
And I must know it, else he loves me not.
Hot. What, ho!
Enter Servant.[2356]
Is Gilliams with the packet gone?
Serv. He is, my lord, an hour ago.[2357]
Hot. Hath Butler brought those horses from the sheriff?[2358]
Serv. One horse, my lord, he brought even now.[2359]65
Hot. What horse? a roan, a crop-ear, is it not?[2360][2361]
Serv. It is, my lord.[2361]
Hot. That roan shall be my throne.[2362]
Well, I will back him straight: O esperance![2362][2363]
Bid Butler lead him forth into the park.[2362][2364] [Exit Servant.
Lady. But hear you, my lord.70
Hot. What say'st thou, my lady?
Lady. What is it carries you away?
Hot. Why, my horse, my love, my horse.[2365]
Lady. Out, you mad-headed ape![2366]
A weasel hath not such a deal of spleen[2366]75
As you are toss'd with. In faith,[2366][2367]
I'll know your business, Harry, that I will.[2366]
I fear my brother Mortimer doth stir[2366]
About his title, and hath sent for you[2366]
To line his enterprize: but if you go,—[2366]80
Hot. So far afoot, I shall be weary, love.
Lady. Come, come, you paraquito, answer me[2368]
Directly unto this question that I ask:[2368][2369]
In faith, I'll break thy little finger, Harry,[2368][2370]
An if thou wilt not tell me all things true.[2368][2371]85
Hot. Away,[2372]
Away, you trifler! Love! I love thee not,[2372][2373]
I care not for thee, Kate: this is no world
To play with mammets and to tilt with lips:[2374]
We must have bloody noses and crack'd crowns,90
And pass them current too. God's me, my horse!
What say'st thou, Kate? what would'st thou have with me?[2375]
Lady. Do you not love me? do you not, indeed?[2376]
Well, do not then; for since you love me not,
I will not love myself. Do you not love me?95
Nay, tell me if you speak in jest or no.[2377]
Hot. Come, wilt thou see me ride?[2378]
And when I am o' horseback, I will swear[2379]
I love thee infinitely. But hark you, Kate;
I must not have you henceforth question me100
Whither I go, nor reason whereabout:[2380]
Whither I must, I must; and, to conclude,[2380]
This evening must I leave you, gentle Kate.[2381]
I know you wise, but yet no farther wise[2382]
Than Harry Percy's wife: constant you are,105
But yet a woman: and for secrecy,
No lady closer; for I well believe[2383]
Thou wilt not utter what thou dost not know;
And so far will I trust thee, gentle Kate.[2384]
Lady. How! so far?[2385]110
Hot. Not an inch further. But hark you, Kate:[2386]
Whither I go, thither shall you go too;
To-day will I set forth, to-morrow you.[2387]
Will this content you, Kate?
Lady. It must of force. [Exeunt.
Scene IV. The Boar's-Head Tavern, Eastcheap.[2388]
Enter the Prince, and Poins.
Prince. Ned, prithee, come out of that fat room, and[2389]
lend me thy hand to laugh a little.
Poins. Where hast been, Hal?
Prince. With three or four loggerheads amongst three[2390]
or fourscore hogsheads. I have sounded the very base-string[2391]5
of humility. Sirrah, I am sworn brother to a leash
of drawers; and can call them all by their christen[2392]
names, as Tom, Dick, and Francis. They take it already
upon their salvation, that though I be but Prince of Wales,[2393]
yet I am the king of courtesy; and tell me flatly I am no[2394]10
proud Jack, like Falstaff, but a Corinthian, a lad of mettle,[2395]
a good boy, by the Lord, so they call me, and when I am[2396]
king of England, I shall command all the good lads in
Eastcheap. They call drinking deep, dyeing scarlet; and
when you breathe in your watering, they cry 'hem!' and[2397]15
bid you play it off. To conclude, I am so good a proficient
in one quarter of an hour, that I can drink with any
tinker in his own language during my life. I tell thee,[2398]
Ned, thou hast lost much honour, that thou wert not with
me in this action. But, sweet Ned,—to sweeten which20
name of Ned, I give thee this pennyworth of sugar,
clapped even now into my hand by an under-skinker, one
that never spake other English in his life than 'Eight
shillings and sixpence,' and 'You are welcome,' with this[2399]
shrill addition, 'Anon, anon, sir! Score a pint of bastard[2400]25
in the Half-moon,' or so. But, Ned, to drive away the[2401]
time till Falstaff come, I prithee, do thou stand in some[2401]
by-room, while I question my puny drawer to what end he
gave me the sugar; and do thou never leave calling[2402]
'Francis,' that his tale to me may be nothing but 'Anon.'30
Step aside, and I'll show thee a precedent.[2403]
Poins. Francis!
Prince. Thou art perfect.
Poins. Francis! [Exit Poins.[2404]
Enter Francis.
Fran. Anon, anon, sir. Look down into the Pomgarnet,[2405]35
Ralph.
Prince. Come hither, Francis.
Fran. My lord?
Prince. How long hast thou to serve, Francis?
Fran. Forsooth, five years, and as much as to—40
Poins. [Within] Francis![2406]
Fran. Anon, anon, sir.
Prince. Five year! by'r lady, a long lease for the[2407]
clinking of pewter. But, Francis, darest thou be so valiant[2408]
as to play the coward with thy indenture and show it a45
fair pair of heels and run from it?[2409]
Fran. O Lord, sir, I'll be sworn upon all the books in[2410]
England, I could find in my heart.[2411]
Poins. [Within] Francis![2406]
Fran. Anon, sir.[2412]50
Prince. How old art thou, Francis?
Fran. Let me see—about Michaelmas next I shall be—
Poins. [Within] Francis![2406]
Fran. Anon, sir. Pray stay a little, my lord.[2413]
Prince. Nay, but hark you, Francis: for the sugar55
thou gavest me, 'twas a pennyworth, was't not?[2414]
Fran. O Lord, I would it had been two![2415]
Prince. I will give thee for it a thousand pound: ask
me when thou wilt, and thou shalt have it.
Poins. [Within] Francis![2406]60
Fran. Anon, anon.
Prince. Anon, Francis? No, Francis; but to-morrow,
Francis; or Francis, o' Thursday; or indeed, Francis,[2416]
when thou wilt. But, Francis!
Fran. My lord?65
Prince. Wilt thou rob this leathern jerkin, crystal-button,
not-pated, agate-ring, puke-stocking, caddis-garter,[2417]
smooth-tongue, Spanish-pouch,—
Fran. O lord, sir, who do you mean?
Prince. Why, then, your brown bastard is your only70
drink; for look you, Francis, your white canvas doublet
will sully: in Barbary, sir, it cannot come to so much.[2418]
Fran. What, sir?
Poins. [Within] Francis![2406]
Prince. Away, you rogue! dost thou not hear them[2419]75
call?
[Here they both call him; the drawer stands amazed, not knowing which way to go.[2420]
Enter Vintner.
Vint. What, standest thou still, and hearest such a
calling? Look to the guests within. [Exit Francis.] My[2421]
lord, old Sir John, with half-a-dozen more, are at the door:
shall I let them in?80
Prince. Let them alone awhile, and then open the[2422]
door. [Exit Vintner.] Poins![2423]
Re-enter Poins.
Poins. Anon, anon, sir.
Prince. Sirrah, Falstaff and the rest of the thieves are
at the door: shall we be merry?85
Poins. As merry as crickets, my lad. But hark ye;
what cunning match have you made with this jest of the
drawer? come, what's the issue?
Prince. I am now of all humours that have showed
themselves humours since the old days of goodman Adam90
to the pupil age of this present twelve o'clock at midnight.[2424]
Re-enter Francis.
What's o'clock, Francis?
Fran. Anon, anon, sir. [Exit.[2425]
Prince. That ever this fellow should have fewer
words than a parrot, and yet the son of a woman! His industry95
is up-stairs and down-stairs; his eloquence the
parcel of a reckoning. I am not yet of Percy's mind, the
Hotspur of the north; he that kills me some six or seven
dozen of Scots at a breakfast, washes his hands, and says[2426]
to his wife 'Fie upon this quiet life! I want work.' 'O100
my sweet Harry,' says she, 'how many hast thou killed to-day?'
'Give my roan horse a drench,' says he; and answers
'Some fourteen,' an hour after; 'a trifle, a trifle.' I
prithee, call in Falstaff: I'll play Percy, and that damned
brawn shall play Dame Mortimer his wife. 'Rivo!' says[2427]105
the drunkard. Call in ribs, call in tallow.
Enter Falstaff, Gadshill, Bardolph, and Peto; Francis following with wine.[2428]
Poins. Welcome, Jack: where hast thou been?
Fal. A plague of all cowards, I say, and a vengeance
too! marry, and amen! Give me a cup of sack, boy.
Ere I lead this life long, I'll sew nether stocks and mend[2429]110
them and foot them too. A plague of all cowards! Give[2430]
me a cup of sack, rogue. Is there no virtue extant? [He drinks.[2431]
Prince. Didst thou never see Titan kiss a dish of[2432]
butter? pitiful-hearted Titan, that melted at the sweet tale[2432][2433][2434]
of the sun's! if thou didst, then behold that compound.[2434][2435]115
Fal. You rogue, here's lime in this sack too: there is
nothing but roguery to be found in villanous man: yet[2436]
a coward is worse than a cup of sack with lime in it. A[2437]
villanous coward! Go thy ways, old Jack; die when thou
wilt, if manhood, good manhood, be not forgot upon the120
face of the earth, then am I a shotten herring. There live
not three good men unhanged in England; and one of
them is fat, and grows old: God help the while! a bad
world, I say. I would I were a weaver; I could sing
psalms or any thing. A plague of all cowards, I say still.[2438]125
Prince. How now, wool-sack! what mutter you?
Fal. A king's son! If I do not beat thee out of thy
kingdom with a dagger of lath, and drive all thy subjects
afore thee like a flock of wild-geese, I'll never wear hair on
my face more. You Prince of Wales!130
Prince. Why, you whoreson round man, what's the[2439]
matter?
Fal. Are not you a coward? answer me to that: and[2440]
Poins there?
Poins. 'Zounds, ye fat paunch, an ye call me coward,[2441]135
by the Lord, I'll stab thee.[2442]
Fal. I call thee coward! I'll see thee damned ere I
call thee coward: but I would give a thousand pound I
could run as fast as thou canst. You are straight enough
in the shoulders, you care not who sees your back: call you140
that backing of your friends? A plague upon such backing!
give me them that will face me. Give me a cup of
sack: I am a rogue, if I drunk to-day.
Prince. O villain! thy lips are scarce wiped since thou
drunkest last.145
Fal. All's one for that. [He drinks.] A plague of all[2443]
cowards, still say I.
Prince. What's the matter?
Fal. What's the matter! there be four of us here have[2444]
ta'en a thousand pound this day morning.[2445]150
Prince. Where is it, Jack? where is it?
Fal. Where is it! taken from us it is: a hundred upon
poor four of us.[2446]
Prince. What, a hundred, man?
Fal. I am a rogue, if I were not at half-sword with a[2447]155
dozen of them two hours together. I have 'scaped by miracle.[2448]
I am eight times thrust through the doublet, four
through the hose; my buckler cut through and through;
my sword hacked like a hand-saw—ecce signum! I never
dealt better since I was a man: all would not do. A160
plague of all cowards! Let them speak: if they speak
more or less than truth, they are villains and the sons of
darkness.
Prince. Speak, sirs; how was it?[2449]
Gads. We four set upon some dozen—[2450][2451]165
Fal. Sixteen at least, my lord.
Gads. And bound them.[2450]
Peto. No, no, they were not bound.
Fal. You rogue, they were bound, every man of them;
or I am a Jew else, an Ebrew Jew.[2452]170
Gads. As we were sharing, some six or seven fresh[2450][2453]
men set upon us—
Fal. And unbound the rest, and then come in the[2454]
other.[2455]
Prince. What, fought you with them all?[2456]175
Fal. All! I know not what you call all; but if I fought[2457]
not with fifty of them, I am a bunch of radish: if there were[2458]
not two or three and fifty upon poor old Jack, then am I
no two-legged creature.
Prince. Pray God you have not murdered some of[2459]180
them.
Fal. Nay, that's past praying for: I have peppered
two of them; two I am sure I have paid, two rogues in
buckram suits. I tell thee what, Hal, if I tell thee a lie,
spit in my face, call me horse. Thou knowest my old185
ward; here I lay, and thus I bore my point. Four rogues[2460]
in buckram let drive at me—
Prince. What, four? thou saidst but two even now.
Fal. Four, Hal; I told thee four.
Poins. Ay, ay, he said four.190
Fal. These four came all a-front, and mainly thrust
at me. I made me no more ado but took all their seven[2461]
points in my target, thus.[2462]
Prince. Seven? why, there were but four even now.
Fal. In buckram?[2463]195
Poins. Ay, four, in buckram suits.
Fal. Seven, by these hilts, or I am a villain else.
Prince. Prithee, let him alone; we shall have more
anon.
Fal. Dost thou hear me, Hal?200
Prince. Ay, and mark thee too, Jack.
Fal. Do so, for it is worth the listening to. These
nine in buckram that I told thee of—
Prince. So, two more already.
Fal. Their points being broken,—205
Poins. Down fell their hose.[2464]
Fal. Began to give me ground: but I followed me[2465]
close, came in foot and hand; and with a thought seven of
the eleven I paid.
Prince. O monstrous! eleven buckram men grown out210
of two!
Fal. But, as the devil would have it, three misbegotten
knaves in Kendal green came at my back and let drive at
me; for it was so dark, Hal, that thou couldst not see thy
hand.215
Prince. These lies are like their father that begets[2466]
them; gross as a mountain, open, palpable. Why, thou
clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson,[2467]
obscene, greasy tallow-catch,—[2468]
Fal. What, art thou mad? art thou mad? is not the220
truth the truth?
Prince. Why, how couldst thou know these men in
Kendal green, when it was so dark thou couldst not see
thy hand? come, tell us your reason: what sayest thou to
this?225
Poins. Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.
Fal. What, upon compulsion? 'Zounds, an I were at[2469]
the strappado, or all the racks in the world, I would not
tell you on compulsion. Give you a reason on compulsion!
if reasons were as plentiful as blackberries, I would give no[2470]230
man a reason upon compulsion, I.
Prince. I'll be no longer guilty of this sin; this sanguine
coward, this bed-presser, this horse-back-breaker,[2471]
this huge hill of flesh,—
Fal. 'Sblood, you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried[2472]235
neat's tongue, you bull's pizzle, you stock-fish! O for[2473]
breath to utter what is like thee! you tailor's-yard, you[2474]
sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing-tuck,—
Prince. Well, breathe awhile, and then to it again:[2475]
and when thou hast tired thyself in base comparisons, hear[2476]240
me speak but this.[2477]
Poins. Mark, Jack.
Prince. We two saw you four set on four and bound[2478]
them, and were masters of their wealth. Mark now, how
a plain tale shall put you down. Then did we two set on[2479]245
you four; and, with a word, out-faced you from your prize,[2480]
and have it; yea, and can show it you here in the house:[2481]
and, Falstaff, you carried your guts away as nimbly, with
as quick dexterity, and roared for mercy and still run and[2482]
roared, as ever I heard bull-calf. What a slave art thou, to[2483]250
hack thy sword as thou hast done, and then say it was in
fight! What trick, what device, what starting-hole, canst
thou now find out to hide thee from this open and apparent
shame?
Poins. Come, let's hear, Jack; what trick hast thou255
now?
Fal. By the Lord, I knew ye as well as he that made[2484]
ye. Why, hear you, my masters: was it for me to kill the[2485]
heir-apparent? should I turn upon the true prince? why,
thou knowest I am as valiant as Hercules: but beware instinct;[2486]260
the lion will not touch the true prince. Instinct is
a great matter; I was now a coward on instinct. I shall[2487]
think the better of myself and thee during my life; I for
a valiant lion, and thou for a true prince. But, by the
Lord, lads, I am glad you have the money. Hostess, clap[2485]265
to the doors: watch to-night, pray to-morrow. Gallants,[2488]
lads, boys, hearts of gold, all the titles of good fellowship[2489]
come to you! What, shall we be merry? shall we have a
play extempore?[2490]
Prince. Content; and the argument shall be thy270
running away.
Fal. Ah, no more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me!
Enter Hostess.[2491]
Host. O Jesu, my lord the prince![2492]
Prince. How now, my lady the hostess! what sayest
thou to me?275
Host. Marry, my lord, there is a nobleman of the[2493]
court at door would speak with you: he says he comes
from your father.
Prince. Give him as much as will make him a royal
man, and send him back again to my mother.280
Fal. What manner of man is he?
Host. An old man.
Fal. What doth gravity out of his bed at midnight?
Shall I give him his answer?
Prince. Prithee, do, Jack.285
Fal. 'Faith, and I'll send him packing. [Exit.
Prince. Now, sirs: by'r lady, you fought fair; so did[2494]
you, Peto; so did you, Bardolph: you are lions too, you[2495]
ran away upon instinct, you will not touch the true prince;
no, fie!290
Bard. Faith, I ran when I saw others run.
Prince. Faith, tell me now in earnest, how came Falstaff's[2496]
sword so hacked?
Peto. Why, he hacked it with his dagger, and said he
would swear truth out of England but he would make you295
believe it was done in fight, and persuaded us to do the like.
Bard. Yea, and to tickle our noses with spear-grass to[2497]
make them bleed, and then to beslubber our garments[2498]
with it and swear it was the blood of true men. I did
that I did not this seven year before, I blushed to hear his[2499]300
monstrous devices.[2500]
Prince. O villain, thou stolest a cup of sack eighteen
years ago, and wert taken with the manner, and ever since[2501]
thou hast blushed extempore. Thou hadst fire and sword
on thy side, and yet thou rannest away: what instinct305
hadst thou for it?
Bard. My lord, do you see these meteors? do you
behold these exhalations?
Prince. I do.
Bard. What think you they portend?310
Prince. Hot livers and cold purses.
Bard. Choler, my lord, if rightly taken.
Prince. No, if rightly taken, halter.
Re-enter Falstaff.[2502]
Here comes lean Jack, here comes bare-bone. How now,[2503]
my sweet creature of bombast! How long is't ago, Jack,[2504]315
since thou sawest thine own knee?
Fal. My own knee! when I was about thy years, Hal,
I was not an eagle's talon in the waist; I could have crept[2505]
into any alderman's thumb-ring: a plague of sighing and[2506]
grief! it blows a man up like a bladder. There's villanous320
news abroad: here was Sir John Bracy from your father;[2507]
you must to the court in the morning. That same mad[2508]
fellow of the north, Percy, and he of Wales, that gave
Amamon the bastinado and made Lucifer cuckold and[2509]
swore the devil his true liegeman upon the cross of a Welsh325
hook—what a plague call you him?
Poins. O, Glendower.[2510]
Fal. Owen, Owen, the same; and his son-in-law Mortimer,[2511]
and old Northumberland, and that sprightly Scot[2512]
of Scots, Douglas, that runs o' horseback up a hill[2513]330
perpendicular,—
Prince. He that rides at high speed and with his[2514]
pistol kills a sparrow flying.
Fal. You have hit it.
Prince. So did he never the sparrow.335
Fal. Well, that rascal hath good mettle in him; he[2515]
will not run.
Prince. Why, what a rascal art thou then, to praise
him so for running!
Fal. O' horseback, ye cuckoo; but afoot he will not[2516]340
budge a foot.
Prince. Yes, Jack, upon instinct.
Fal. I grant ye, upon instinct. Well, he is there too,
and one Mordake, and a thousand blue-caps more: Worcester
is stolen away to-night; thy father's beard is turned[2517]345
white with the news: you may buy land now as cheap as
stinking mackerel.
Prince. Why, then, it is like, if there come a hot[2518]
June and this civil buffeting hold, we shall buy maidenheads[2519]
as they buy hob-nails, by the hundreds.[2520]350
Fal. By the mass, lad, thou sayest true; it is like we
shall have good trading that way. But tell me, Hal, art not[2521][2522]
thou horrible afeard? thou being heir-apparent, could the[2522][2523]
world pick thee out three such enemies again as that fiend
Douglas, that spirit Percy, and that devil Glendower? art355
thou not horribly afraid? doth not thy blood thrill at it?[2524]
Prince. Not a whit, i' faith; I lack some of thy instinct.[2525]
Fal. Well, thou wilt be horribly chid to-morrow when[2526]
thou comest to thy father: if thou love me, practise an[2527]
answer.360
Prince. Do thou stand for my father, and examine
me upon the particulars of my life.
Fal. Shall I? content: this chair shall be my state,
this dagger my sceptre, and this cushion my crown.
Prince. Thy state is taken for a joined-stool, thy[2528]365
golden sceptre for a leaden dagger, and thy precious rich
crown for a pitiful bald crown!
Fal. Well, an the fire of grace be not quite out of[2529]
thee, now shalt thou be moved. Give me a cup of sack to
make my eyes look red, that it may be thought I have[2530]370
wept; for I must speak in passion, and I will do it in King
Cambyses' vein.
Prince. Well, here is my leg.[2531]
Fal. And here is my speech. Stand aside, nobility.
Host. O Jesu, this is excellent sport, i' faith![2532]375
Fal. Weep not, sweet queen; for trickling tears are vain.[2533]
Host. O, the father, how he holds his countenance![2534]
Fal. For God's sake, lords, convey my tristful queen;[2535]
For tears do stop the flood-gates of her eyes.
Host. O Jesu, he doth it as like one of these harlotry[2536]380
players as ever I see!
Fal. Peace, good pint-pot; peace, good tickle-brain.
Harry, I do not only marvel where thou spendest thy time,
but also how thou art accompanied: for though the camomile,
the more it is trodden on the faster it grows, yet[2537]385
youth, the more it is wasted the sooner it wears. That thou[2538]
art my son, I have partly thy mother's word, partly my
own opinion, but chiefly a villanous trick of thine eye and[2539]
a foolish hanging of thy nether lip, that doth warrant me.[2540]
If then thou be son to me, here lies the point; why, being[2541]390
son to me, art thou so pointed at? Shall the blessed sun[2542]
of heaven prove a micher and eat blackberries? a question
not to be asked. Shall the son of England prove a thief
and take purses? a question to be asked. There is a thing,
Harry, which thou hast often heard of and it is known to395
many in our land by the name of pitch: this pitch, as ancient
writers do report, doth defile; so doth the company thou
keepest: for, Harry, now I do not speak to thee in drink
but in tears, not in pleasure but in passion, not in words
only, but in woes also: and yet there is a virtuous man400
whom I have often noted in thy company, but I know not
his name.
Prince. What manner of man, an it like your majesty?[2543]
Fal. A goodly portly man, i' faith, and a corpulent; of[2544]
a cheerful look, a pleasing eye and a most noble carriage;405
and, as I think, his age some fifty, or, by'r lady, inclining to
three score; and now I remember me, his name is Falstaff:
if that man should be lewdly given, he deceiveth me; for,[2545]
Harry, I see virtue in his looks. If then the tree may be[2546]
known by the fruit, as the fruit by the tree, then,[2546]410
peremptorily I speak it, there is virtue in that Falstaff: him keep
with, the rest banish. And tell me now, thou naughty[2547]
varlet, tell me, where hast thou been this month?
Prince. Dost thou speak like a king? Do thou stand
for me, and I'll play my father.415
Fal. Depose me? if thou dost it half so gravely, so[2548]
majestically, both in word and matter, hang me up by the[2549]
heels for a rabbit-sucker or a poulter's hare.[2550]
Prince. Well, here I am set.
Fal. And here I stand: judge, my masters.420
Prince. Now, Harry, whence come you?
Fal. My noble lord, from Eastcheap.
Prince. The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.
Fal. 'Sblood, my lord, they are false: nay, I'll tickle ye[2551]
for a young prince, i' faith.[2552]425
Prince. Swearest thou, ungracious boy? henceforth
ne'er look on me. Thou art violently carried away from
grace: there is a devil haunts thee in the likeness of an old[2553]
fat man; a tun of man is thy companion. Why dost thou[2553]
converse with that trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of[2554]430
beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard
of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted
Manningtree ox with the pudding in his belly, that[2555]
reverend vice, that grey iniquity, that father ruffian, that[2556]
vanity in years? Wherein is he good, but to taste sack435
and drink it? wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a capon
and eat it? wherein cunning, but in craft? wherein crafty,
but in villany? wherein villanous, but in all things? wherein
worthy, but in nothing?
Fal. I would your grace would take me with you:440
whom means your grace?
Prince. That villanous abominable misleader of youth,
Falstaff, that old white-bearded Satan.[2557]
Fal. My lord, the man I know.
Prince. I know thou dost.445
Fal. But to say I know more harm in him than in myself,
were to say more than I know. That he is old, the
more the pity, his white hairs do witness it; but that he is,[2558]
saving your reverence, a whoremaster, that I utterly deny.
If sack and sugar be a fault, God help the wicked! if to be[2559]450
old and merry be a sin, then many an old host that I know
is damned: if to be fat be to be hated, then Pharaoh's lean
kine are to be loved. No, my good lord; banish Peto,
banish Bardolph, banish Poins: but for sweet Jack Falstaff,
kind Jack Falstaff, true Jack Falstaff, valiant Jack Falstaff,455
and therefore more valiant, being, as he is, old Jack Falstaff,
banish not him thy Harry's company, banish not him[2560]
thy Harry's company: banish plump Jack, and banish all
the world.
Prince. I do, I will. [A knocking-heard.[2561]460
[Exeunt Hostess, Francis, and Bardolph.
Re-enter Bardolph, running.[2562]
Bard. O, my lord, my lord! the sheriff with a most[2563]
monstrous watch is at the door.[2564]
Fal. Out, ye rogue! Play out the play: I have much[2565]
to say in the behalf of that Falstaff.
Re-enter the Hostess.[2566]
Host. O Jesu, my lord, my lord!—[2567]465
Prince. Heigh, heigh! the devil rides upon a[2568]
fiddlestick: what's the matter?
Host. The sheriff and all the watch are at the door:
they are come to search the house. Shall I let them in?
Fal. Dost thou hear, Hal? never call a true piece of gold[2569]470
a counterfeit: thou art essentially mad, without seeming so.[2570]
Prince. And thou a natural coward, without instinct.[2571]
Fal. I deny your major: if you will deny the sheriff, so;
if not, let him enter: if I become not a cart as well as another
man, a plague on my bringing up! I hope I shall as475
soon be strangled with a halter as another.
Prince. Go, hide thee behind the arras: the rest walk
up above. Now, my masters, for a true face and good[2572]
conscience.
Fal. Both which I have had: but their date is out, and480
therefore I'll hide me.
Prince. Call in the sheriff.
[Exeunt all except the Prince and Peto.
Enter Sheriff and the Carrier.[2573]
Now, master sheriff, what is your will with me?[2574]
Sher. First, pardon me, my lord. A hue and cry[2575]
Hath follow'd certain men unto this house.[2575]485
Prince. What men?
Sher. One of them is well known, my gracious lord,[2575][2576]
A gross fat man.[2575][2577]
Car. As fat as butter.
Prince. The man, I do assure you, is not here;
For I myself at this time have employ'd him.490
And, sheriff, I will engage my word to thee[2578]
That I will, by to-morrow dinner-time,
Send him to answer thee, or any man,
For any thing he shall be charged withal:
And so let me entreat you leave the house.495
Sher. I will, my lord. There are two gentlemen
Have in this robbery lost three hundred marks.[2579]
Prince. It may be so: if he have robb'd these men,
He shall be answerable; and so farewell.
Sher. Good night, my noble lord.500
Prince. I think it is good morrow, is it not?
Sher. Indeed, my lord, I think it be two o'clock.
[Exeunt Sheriff and Carrier.[2580]
Prince. This oily rascal is known as well as Paul's.
Go, call him forth.
Peto. Falstaff!—Fast asleep behind the arras, and[2581]505
snorting like a horse.
Prince. Hark, how hard he fetches breath. Search[2582]
his pockets. [He searcheth his pockets, and findeth certain[2583]
papers.] What hast thou found?
Peto. Nothing but papers, my lord.[2581]510
Prince. Let's see what they be: read them.[2584]
Peto. [reads] Item, A capon, 2s. 2d.[2585]
Item, Sauce, 4d.
Item, Sack, two gallons, 5s. 8d.
Item, Anchovies and sack after supper, 2s. 6d.[2586]515
Item, Bread, ob.[2587]
Prince. O monstrous! but one half-pennyworth of bread
to this intolerable deal of sack! What there is else, keep
close; we'll read it at more advantage: there let him sleep
till day. I'll to the court in the morning. We must all to520
the wars, and thy place shall be honourable. I'll procure
this fat rogue a charge of foot; and I know his death will
be a march of twelve-score. The money shall be paid back[2588]
again with advantage. Be with me betimes in the morning;
and so, good morrow, Peto.[2589] [Exeunt.525
Peto. Good morrow, good my lord.[2581]