PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
DEDICATED WITH RESPECT
TO
LESLIE SCOTT, K.C., M.P.
Most of these pieces have appeared in the pages of Punch, and I have to thank the Proprietors of that paper for their courtesy in permitting me to republish. “The Book of Jonah” appeared in The London Mercury, “The Supreme Court” in The Outlook, “The Art of Drawing” and “Reading Without Tears” in Land and Water, which perished a few weeks later. I thank them all. A.P.H.
Contents
| Wrong Numbers | [9] |
| The Genius of Mr. Bradshaw | [17] |
| Five Inches | [23] |
| Reading Without Tears | [28] |
| On With the Dance | [35] |
| The Autobiography | [42] |
| The White Spat | [47] |
| The Art of Drawing | [55] |
| About Bathrooms | [61] |
| A Criminal Type | [67] |
| The Art of Poetry | [73] |
| The Book of Jonah | [94] |
| The Mystery of the Apple-pie Beds | [105] |
| The Grasshopper | [112] |
| Little Bits of London | [118] |
| I The Supreme Court | [118] |
| II “The Bear Garden” | [126] |
| III Billingsgate | [133] |
| IV The Bloater Show | [140] |
| V Bond Street | [145] |
| The Little Guiggols | [151] |
Wrong Numbers
I HAVE invented a new telephone game. It is a thoroughly discreditable, anti-social game, and I am not proud of it, but it has been forced upon me by circumstances. It is now clear that my telephone number is the only one the operators know, and my game follows the lines of all the best modern movements, the principle of which is that, if you cannot hit the man you are annoyed with, you hit somebody else instead. Nowadays, when some perfect stranger is introduced to me in error on the telephone, I no longer murmur, “Wrong number, I’m afraid,” in my usual accents of sweet sympathy, cool resignation, irritation, hatred or black despair; I pretend that it is the right number. I lead my fellow-victim on into a morass of mystification; I worm out his precious secrets; I waste his precious time. If you can square your conscience you will find it is a glorious game, though I ought to add that considerable skill is required. It is best, perhaps, to make a general rule of answering the call in the first instance in a high feminine voice, as much like a housemaid, or a charwoman, or a Government typist as possible; then you are prepared for any development.