HEARSAY
The convicted feudist was working for a pardon. It was reported to him that the opposing clan was pulling wires against him, and spreading false reports concerning him. He thereupon wrote a brief missive to the governor:
"Deer guvner, if youve heared wat ive heared youve heared youve heared a lie."
HEAVEN
The clergyman in the following story probably did not mean exactly what he said, though, human nature being what it is, maybe it was true enough.
A parishioner meeting the parson in the street inquired:
"When do you expect to see Deacon Jones again?"
"Never, never again!" the minister declared solemnly. "The deacon is in heaven!"
HELP
The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfactory. A neighbor who chanced along inquired: