How to Pick a Mate: The Guide to a Happy Marriage

by Clifford R. Adams; Vance Packard

The girl (and perhaps the man) can learn a great deal by taking up the matter at length when she goes for a premarital physical examination a week or so before the wedding. She can ask the physician questions about sexual matters and clear up any points that trouble her. He can describe for her the sensations she can expect to experience during the physical intimacy. At the time of the examination she can also discuss any fears she has of immediate pregnancy before their marriage has a chance to become stabilized. He may suggest contraceptive devices or techniques to eliminate that possibility and may take her pelvic measures to see if the pelvis is too narrow for normal childbirth. Most engaged couples want to know about contraception, and the average young doctors and nearly all gynecologists are well equipped to give such information.

Couples should be careful to thresh out this matter of contraception before marriage because religion sometimes causes them to have strong—and dangerous—differences of opinion about it. The problem of whether to have or not to have children, and when to have children, should definitely not be left to chance. Most religious leaders are now in agreement on that. For those couples whose religion forbids contraceptive devices, the rhythm method can be followed, although this method is not recommended for couples whose religion permits them to use other methods.

Another thing the bride-to-be may discuss with the doctor is her hymen, which is the traditional mark of a virgin since it stretches across the entrance to her vagina. (Incidentally, the absence of the hymen as an obstacle is no evidence of non-virginity since it can be disrupted in childhood without the girl’s knowledge or through medical examinations.) If it is so thick that discomfort may be experienced during first intercourse or if it prevents intercourse entirely, the doctor may prescribe a simple treatment.

All couples entering marriage should understand that intercourse is not something people do by instinct but is a learned procedure and that it takes about three to six months for the typical couple to work out a thoroughly satisfying adjustment. Many brides have all sorts of baseless fears that must be dispelled.

There are three distinct phases to a sexual experience between a man and woman and many of the difficulties arise because the man slights phases one and three.

The first phase is that of arousal. The husband and wife caress each other and become physically and psychologically ready for a merging of their bodies. This first phase should not be hurried. It is especially important that the husband remember this because a woman’s passion arouses much more slowly than a man’s, particularly during the first few years of married life. By allowing plenty of time for the woman, the couple can help equalize their differences in sex drive. The presence of erect nipples is an indication that the woman is becoming aroused and may be receptive to further advances.

Phase two is the actual coitus. In the early days of marriage this should be engaged in gently. Later both may be able to enjoy the tumultuous vigor of unrestrained physical intimacy. The husband should not forget during intercourse to tell his wife how much he loves her, how wonderful he thinks she is, how much delight she is bringing him. Nor should the wife feel hesitant or bashful about doing likewise. If either can make suggestions to the other that will lead to greater enjoyment, both should feel free to do so. It is only by loving frankness and unashamed coöperation that husband and wife are able to achieve the beautiful harmony and the exquisite pleasure that only a satisfying sexual adjustment can bring them.

In many cases (unfortunately) the husband, because of strain and fatigue, will arrive at his orgasm almost immediately. The average couple, after some experience, find that actual intercourse usually lasts about five to ten minutes. Some wives require ten minutes or fifteen minutes before they are able to achieve orgasm. Some men, perhaps one in seven, are unable to hold back ejaculation for more than two or three minutes. All couples can bring their orgasms closer to each other if they will try to accommodate themselves to each other. The ideal is for both man and wife to have orgasm simultaneously.

Orgasm for a man comes with the flooding or ejaculation of seminal fluid. For the woman, orgasm is marked by the sudden relaxation of the muscles in her genital region. It is accompanied by a feeling of great tension reduction as well as great pleasure.

Now we come to phase three, which should not be slighted. It is a sort of postlude, an after the storm. The average wife derives exquisite pleasure from feeling herself and her husband relaxing. Further, in this phase the wife wants to be held closely by her husband and to be told that he loves her. She wants to be made to feel that he loves her for what she is, all the qualities that she has, all the traits that she possesses, and not alone for the sexual thrill that she has just given him. We might give the husband a practical suggestion at this point by telling him this. If his wife is slow in reaching an orgasm he can help her to reach orgasm more rapidly by making this postlude just as delightful for her as possible by being tender and romantic. Without realizing what is happening she will strive to achieve orgasm for the pleasure she derives from his deep and sincere appreciation that comes afterward.