Take the case of Miriam, who specified that her man must be earning at least four thousand dollars a year before she will consider marrying. She set the figure that high because she says she knows nothing about cooking or managing a home so will have to hire someone else to do that. This man she will be willing to marry must be of “superior intelligence” (even though her intelligence is barely average), he must be six feet tall, be dark and handsome, be a good dancer; he must have broad shoulders and a “strong face.” He must be a good Culbertson bridge player; he must smoke a pipe; he must come from a “distinguished” family and must be either a physician or lawyer. Finally, she wrote, he must be a man who will put her on an altar and worship her.
Miriam has thought vaguely of children but thinks they should be put off for at least five years so that she may follow a dancing or theatrical career if something should develop. It is conceivable, of course, that she can find such a man, but considering her background and talents we doubt that she could interest him in marriage.
Often what we want in a mate is based upon our wants at the moment rather than upon basic or long-range needs. A couple in their early twenties may insist that each be a good dancer as one of the main qualifications for marriage. They dance so much that dancing looms large in their life. But ten years from now, when they will probably dance only a few times a year, it may be an unessential qualification while the ability to manage finances may add to the total family income and help weather a serious depression.
Qualities that may make a boy or girl a wonderful date are not necessarily the qualities that will make a wonderful mate. The two can be profoundly different. A girl wants a date for a party or dance. She wants a man who can dance, who will be admired as “good looking,” who will be a “good mixer,” who may be a “catch,” perhaps a football star or a radio actor. While these may be qualities needed for a date or dance, they probably will not be important qualities she will need in a mate for happiness in marriage. Don’t confuse a “good date” with a “good mate,” for what you want in a date may be far removed from what you need in marriage.
Too many times people fall in love with glamorous traits in the other. A girl “falls in love” with Bill because she loves his flattery or his dancing or his car or his taste in clothes. They cast such a halo effect that the girl gives little thought to the fact that Bill is a chronic heavy drinker. If she could see that his drinking will probably wreck any marriage he undertakes, she could spare herself much heartache.
Some people set their “mate goals” so high that they would rather remain unmarried than marry anyone below these standards. Years later they may be terribly disappointed and frustrated as a result. In the summer marriage classes at Penn State, which are largely made up of unmarried school teachers, many have confessed that they could have married when younger but somehow the man didn’t seem quite good enough. Now, too old to hope to marry, most of them wish they had been more practical in their middle twenties and not have had to wait until the late thirties or futile forties to see their error.
We know of young men today who would seem to be excellent prospects for mates—and they actually favor the idea of marrying—but we would be willing to predict that they will be bachelors. They are too fussy. They find something in every girl they go with that does not conform to their idea of an ideal mate.
How do we come by our ideals for mates? During adolescence and childhood both boys and girls form in their mind some kind of a “dream hero or heroine,” a sort of “phantom lover.” He or she is a composite of all the qualifications they want their future mate to have. No such paragon ever exists in real life and the mental image does undergo some modifications as the individual grows older.