Often this ideal has the qualities of some of the people we idolized in earlier years. Sometimes the qualities seem to be those of a favorite movie star, or of a heroine of literature. Sometimes they are inspired by qualities of an admired parent or older brother or sister. If you were brought up in a home by an adored and deeply-loved mother, your “phantasy ideal” may have almost all the good qualities of your mother. But if you were brought up in a home where you and your mother were in constant conflict, then you may be interested in avoiding in a mate all the qualities you associate in your mind with your own mother.
People who cling to their phantasy ideal after they are grown up do so largely because they cannot distinguish between what they want and what they need. They are convinced that their wants and needs are identical. Their families and friends may try to show them the difference but their immediate wants are all that they can see.
Most of us who are married can look back and can see that the girl or man we yearned to marry at twenty would not be the kind of mate we need now. We thank Heaven that we did not marry that one.
Then what are the things we need in a mate? There are certain qualities that almost everyone would accept as desirable—qualities such as good health, sense of humor, fairness, dependability, unselfishness, patience. And there are some traits that are so fundamental that we will take them up in the next chapter under “Crucial Traits for a Happy Marriage.”
However, most all authorities are agreed that in considering possible mates you should in general seek someone who is roughly near your own age, who has about the same education that you have, who comes from approximately the same social-economic level that you do, and who is of the same nationality, race and religion.
Intelligence is important only in a relative sense—relative, that is, to you. Feebleminded persons tend to marry feeble-minded persons. While geniuses cannot always marry geniuses, they do tend to marry highly intelligent people. The average man marries a woman who is slightly less intelligent than he is. That’s why many brilliant women never marry. They do not come in contact with sufficiently brilliant men, or fail to disguise their brilliance in order to win a man of somewhat less intelligence. College males tell us that they want a girl for a wife who is “intelligent,” but makes them feel they are still more intelligent!
Another thing we must concede: some people have wants which are so intense that they become needs. We have a letter from a veteran, a young major. The girl he has long considered proposing to has everything he wants except beauty. He has gone with her for four years. He is thirty-one, she is twenty-seven. She is sweet, understanding, affectionate, is well educated and supporting herself. She is a good cook and an excellent companion. She is neat and clean and plain. But she is not pretty. He knows she loves him and he thinks he loves her but every time he thinks of proposing he is held back because she isn’t attractive. Perhaps he should not marry this girl if her lack of beauty is going to gnaw at him the rest of his life. One alternative—and we suggested it—was that he suggest to her somehow that she take a course with a “charm school.” Another thought we suggested was that most beauty comes from within and that ten years from now this girl would probably have a more appealing face than many of the so-called beauties of her own age today.
In considering what you need in a mate it might be helpful to consider what are the important things to your happiness in life. A marriage will be good for you only if it helps you satisfy these basic needs. These needs—after you have achieved subsistence through food, shelter and clothing—are primarily psychological.
In considering whether any particular person would be a good mate for you, ask yourself these seven questions, based on the psychological needs you will want to satisfy: