What is it that a gentleman has not, never can have, and yet can give to a lady? A husband.
Why is a man just imprisoned like a boat full of water? Because he requires bailing out.
When does a ship tell a falsehood? When she lies at the wharf.
When is a theatrical manager like an astronomer? When he discovers a new star.
What is the difference between a mother and a barber? The latter has razors to shave and the former has shavers to raise.
Why are pianos noble characters? Because they are grand, upright, and square.
What are they which, though always drunk, are never intoxicated? Toasts.
When is a fowl’s neck like a bell? When it’s rung for dinner.
Why is a crow the bravest bird in the world? Because it never shows the white feather.
Why is a vote in Congress like a bad cold? Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it, and sometimes the noes (nose).