Prove by logic that an oyster is better than heaven. Nothing is better than heaven; an oyster is better than nothing; therefore an oyster is better than heaven.
What is the difference between a honeymoon and a honeycomb? One is a big sell, the other little cells.
Why is a man who makes pens a wicked man? Because he makes men steel (steal) pens and then says they do write (right).
What is the difference between a lady and an apple? One you have to get side her to squeeze, and the other you have to squeeze to get cider.
Who is the greatest chicken-killer spoken of in Shakespeare? Macbeth, because he did murder most foul.
Why is music cheaper on Sunday than during the week? Because during the week you get it by the piece, and on Sunday you get it by the choir.
Which death would you prefer to die, Joan of Arc’s or Mary Stuart’s? Most people prefer Joan of Arc’s, because they like a hot steak better than a cold chop.
What great writer’s name might you appropriately mention if you were standing by the grave of Bob Ingersoll? Robert Burns.
What three great writers names might you think of if you were watching a house burn down? Dickens, Howett, Burns.
If you were invited out to dinner and on sitting down to the table saw nothing but a beet, what would you say? That beet’s all.