“Mr. Brackett—Solid silver candlesticks—$68.50”—“hello, Bob, you old peach. How about a kiss?”
The real festivities of a wedding start about three days before the ceremony, with the arrival of the “wedding party,” in which party the most responsible position is that of best man. Let us suppose that you are to be the best man at the Roe-Doe nuptials. What are your duties?
In the first place, you must prepare yourself for the wedding by a course of training extending for over a month or more prior to the actual event. It should be your aim to work yourself into such a condition that you can go for three nights without sleep, talk for hours to the most impossibly stupid of young women, and consume an unending amount of alcohol. You are then prepared for the bachelor dinner, the bridal dinner, the bridesmaids, the wedding, and the wedding reception.
DUTIES OF THE BEST MAN
Upon your arrival in the city where the wedding is to take place you will be met by the bridegroom, who will take you to the home of the bride where you are to stay. There you are met by the bride’s father. “This is my best man,” says the groom. “The best man?” replies her father. “Well, may the best man win.” At once you reply, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” He then says, “Is this your first visit to Chicago?” to which the correct answer is, “Yes, sir, but I hope it isn’t my last.”
The bride’s mother then appears. “This is my best man,” says the groom. “Well,” says she, “remember—the best man doesn’t always win.” “Ha! Ha! Ha!” you at once reply. “Is this your first visit to Chicago?” says she, to which you answer, “Yes—but I hope it isn’t my last.”
You are then conducted to your room, where you are left alone to unpack. In a few minutes the door will open and a small boy enter. This is the brother of the bride. You smile at him pleasantly and remark, “Is this your first visit to Chicago?” “What are you doing?” is his answer. “Unpacking,” you reply. “What’s that?” says he. “A cutaway,” you reply. “What’s that?” says he. “A collar bag.” “What’s that?” “A dress shirt.” “What’s that?” says he. “Another dress shirt.” “What’s that?” says he. “Say, listen,” you reply, “don’t I hear some one calling you?” “No,” says he, “what’s that?” “That,” you reply, with a sigh of relief, “is a razor. Here—take it and play with it.” In three minutes, if you have any luck at all, the bride’s brother will have cut himself severely in several places which will cause him to run crying from the room. You can then finish unpacking.
THE BRIDE’S TEA
The first function of the pre-nuptial festivities is generally a tea at the bride’s home, where the ushers and bridesmaids meet to become “acquainted.” It is your duty, as best man, to go to the hotel where the ushers are stopping and bring them to this tea. Just as you will leave on this mission the groom will whisper in your ear, “For God’s sake, remember to tell them that her father and mother are terribly opposed to drinking in any form.” This is an awfully good joke on her father and mother.
As you step out of the hotel elevator you hear at the end of the hall a chorus shouting, “Mademoiselle from Armentières—parlez vous!” Those are your ushers.