Opening the door of the room you step forward and announce, “Fellows, we have got to go to a tea right away. Come on—let’s go.” At this, ten young men in cutaways will stand up and shout, “Yeaaa—the best man—give the best man a drink!” From then on, at twelve minute intervals, it is your duty to say, “Fellows, we have got to go to a tea right away. Come on—let’s go.” Each time you will be handed another drink, which you may take with either your right or left hand.
After an hour the telephone will ring. It will be the groom. He will say, “Everybody is waiting for you and the ushers,” to which you reply, “We are just leaving.” He then says, “And don’t forget to tell them what I told you about her father and mother.”
You then hang up the receiver, take a drink in one hand and say, “Fellows, I have a very solemn message for you. It’s a message which is of deep importance to each one of us. Fellows—her father and mother object to the use of alcohol in any form.”
This statement will be greeted with applause and cheers. You will all then take one more drink, put on your silk hats and gray gloves, and leave the room singing, “Her father and mother object to drink—parlez vous.”
The tea given by the bride’s parents is generally a small affair to which only the members of the wedding party are invited. When you and the ushers arrive, you will find the bride, the maid of honor and the bridesmaids waiting for you. As you enter the room, make a polite bow to the bride’s father and mother, and be sure to apologize for your lateness. Nothing so betrays the social “oil can” as a failure to make a plausible excuse for tardiness. Whenever you are late for a party you must always have ready some good reason for your fault, such as, “Excuse me, Mrs. Doe, I’m afraid I am a little late, but you see, just as I was dressing, this filling dropped out of my tooth and I had to have it put back in.” If the host and hostess seem to doubt your statement, it would be well to show them the recalcitrant filling in question, although if they are “well-bred” they will probably in most cases take you at your word.
THE MAID OF HONOR
You and the ushers will then be introduced to the bridesmaids and the maid of honor. As you meet this latter young lady, who is the bride’s older sister and, of course, your partner for the remainder of the wedding festivities, she will say, “The best man? Well, they say that the best man wins... Ha! Ha! Ha!” This puts her in class G 6 without further examination, and your only hope of prolonging your life throughout the next two days lies in the frequent and periodic administration of stimulants.
THE BACHELOR DINNER AND AFTER
That evening the groom gives for the best man and the ushers what is known as a “bachelor dinner.” It is his farewell to his men friends as he passes out of the state of bachelorhood. The formal passing out generally occurs toward the end of the dinner, and is a quaint ceremony participated in by most of those present.
It is customary for the best man to wake up about noon of the following day. You will not have the slightest idea as to where you are or how you got there. You will be wearing your dress trousers, your stiff or pleated bosom dress shirt, black socks and pumps, and the coat of your pajamas. In one hand you will be clutching a chrysanthemum. After a few minutes there will come a low moan from the next bed. That is usually the groom, also in evening dress with the exception that he has tried to put on the trousers of your pajamas over his dress trousers. You then say, “What happened?” to which he replies, “Oh, Judas.” You wait several minutes. In the next room you hear the sound of a shower bath and some one whistling. The bath stops; the whistling continues. The door then opens and there enters one of the ushers. He is the usher who always “feels great” the next day after the bachelor dinner. He says to you, “Well, boys, you look all in.” You do not reply. He continues, “Gosh, I feel fine.” You make no response. He then begins to chuckle, “I don’t suppose you remember,” he says, “what you said to the bride’s mother when I brought you home last night.” You sit quickly up in bed. “What did I say?” you ask. “Was I tight?” “Were you tight?” he replies, still chuckling. “Don’t you remember what you said? And don’t you remember trying to get the bride’s father to slide down the banisters with you? Were you tight—Oh, my gosh!” He then exits, chuckling. Statistics of several important life insurance companies show that that type of man generally dies a violent death before the age of thirty.