Tom. They might admire you for a fool.
Teag. What sir, do you imagine that I am not a fool, no, no, my master asked counsel of me in all his matters, and I always gave him a reason for every thing: I told him one morning that he went too soon to the hunting, that the hares were not got out of their beds; and neither the barking of horns nor the blowing of dogs, could make them rise, it was such a cold morning that night; so they all ran away that we catched, when we did not see them. Then my master told my words to several gentlemen that was at dinner with him, and they admired me for want of wisdom, saying, I was certainly a man of great judgement, for my head was all of a lump, added, they were going a-fishing along with my master and me in the afternoon; but I told them it was a very unhappy thing for any man to go a hunting in the morning and a fishing in the afternoon; yet they would try it, but they had better staid at home, for it came on a most terrible fine night of south-west rain and even-down-wind: so the fishes got all below the water to keep them dry from the shower, and we catched them all, but got none of them.
Tom. And how long did you serve that gentleman, Pady?
Teag. Arra, dear honey, I was with him six weeks, and he beat me seven times.
Tom. For what did he beat you? was it for your madness and foolish tricks?
Teag. Dear shoy, it was not; but for being too inquisitive and going sharply about business. First, he sent me to the post-office, to enquire if there was any letters for him: so when I came there, said I, is there any letters here for my master to-day? Then they asked who was my master; sir, said I, it is very bad manners in you to ask any gentleman’s name: at this they laughed, mocking me, and said they could give me none, if I would not tell my master’s name: so I returned to my master, and told the impudence of the fellow, how he would give me no letters unless I would tell him your name, master. My master at this flew in a great passion, and kicked me down stairs, saying, Go you rogue and tell my name directly, how can the gentleman give letters, when he knows not who is asking for them! Then I returned and told my master’s name, so they told me there was one for him, I looked at it, but being very small, and asking the price of it; they told me it was sixpence! sixpence, said I, will you take sixpence for that small thing, and selling bigger ones for twopence; faith I am not such a big fool; you think to cheat me, now, this is not a conscionable way of dealing, I’ll acquaint my master of it first; so I came and told my master how they would have sixpence for his letter and was selling bigger ones for twopence; he took up my head and broke his cane with it, calling me a thousand fools, saying, the man was more just, than to take any thing but the right for it: but I was sure there was none of the right buying and selling such dear penny-worths: So I came again for my dear sixpence letter; and as the fellow was shuffling through a parcel of them, seeking for it again, to make the best of a dear market, I pick’t up two, and home I comes to my master, thinking he would be well pleased with what I had done, now, said I, master, I think I have put a trick on them fellows, for selling the letter to you: What have you done? said he, said I, I have only taken other two letters; here’s one for you, master, to help your dear penny-worth, and I’ll send the other to my mother to see whether she be dead or alive, for she’s always angry I don’t write to her: I had not the word well spoken, till he got up his stick and beat me heartily for it, and sent me back to the fellows again with the two: I had a very ill will to go, but nobody would buy them of me by the way.
Tom. A well, Pady, I think you was to blame, and your master too, for he ought to have taught you how to have gone about those affairs, and not beat you so.
Teag. Arra, dear honey, I had too much wit of my own to be teached by him, or any body else; he began to instruct me after that, how I should serve the table, and such nasty things as those: one night I took ben a roasted fish in one hand, and a piece of bread in the other; the old gentleman was so saucy he would not take it, and told me, I should bring nothing to him without a trencher below it: the same night as he was going to bed, he called for his slippers and pish-pot, so I clapt a trencher below the pish-pot, and another below the slippers, and ben I goes, one in every hand: no sooner did I enter the room, than he threw the pish-pot at me which broke both my head and the pish-pot at one blow: now, said I, the devil is in my master altogether, for what he commands at one time he countermands at another. Next day I went with him to the market to buy a sack of potatoes, I went to the potatoe-monger, and asked what he took for the full of a Scot’s cog, he weighed them in, he asked no less than fourpence; fourpence, said I, if I were but in Dublin, I could get the full of that for nothing, and in Cork and Kinsale far cheaper; them is but small things like pease, said I, but the potatoes in my country is as big as your head, fine meat, all made up in blessed mouthfuls; the potatoe-merchant called me a liar, and my master called me a fool, so the one fell a-kicking me, and the other a cuffing me, I was in such bad bread among them, that I called myself both a liar and a fool to get off alive.