Why is a widower in love again like a good gardener? Because he immediately removes his weeds.
Why can the weight of an illuminating argument never be accurately determined? Because as the hearer weighs the words the scales fall from his eyes.
How does the surgeon, whose bill for an operation has been delayed by executors, resemble his deceased patient? He feels terribly cut up.
How does the cavalryman whose horse has thrown him differ from the faithful orderly? He obeys orders from hind quarters, while the orderly obeys orders from headquarters.
What is the best place to sow wild oats? Near a bank.
Why is a conductor on a car like a firefly? Because he can make you a-light.
Why is an automobilist who exceeds the speed limit like a social reprobate? Because he's too fast.
Why is the divorce court like certain newspapers? Because it has a matrimonial co-respondents' (correspondence) section.
What is the longest word in the English language? Smiles, because it has a mile between its first and last letters.
Which is heavier, a pound of gold or a pound of feathers? A pound of feathers, which weigh a pound avoirdupois; a pound of gold is a pound troy.