nothing at all; but sitting still instead of looking to the torments of their prisoners, or keeping guard over them, and this has been the cause of all this great disturbance. Besides,” said he, “many of your devils, and your damned too, whom you dispatched to the world to tempt folks, are not returned, though their time is out; and others have arrived in a sculking manner, and not given an account of their errands.”
Then Lucifer caused the herald to proclaim another parliament; and lo! before you could turn your hand, all the potentates and satellites were met together, to hold the infernal sessions again. The first thing which was done was to change the officers, and to cause a place to be made about the throat of Unknown, for the reception of the Coxcomb, the bouncing lady, and the rest; the two first were tied nose to nose, and the other rioters tail to tail. Then a law was promulgated, that whoever should henceforth neglect his duty, whether imp or lost man, should be cast there among them until the day of judgment. At these words you might see all the goblins—yea, Lucifer himself—tremble and look agitated. The next thing was to call some devils and some damned to reckoning, who had been sent to the world to hunt up recruits: the devils gave a very good account of themselves; but some of the damned were lame in their reckoning, and were sent to the hot school, where they were scourged with twisted fiery serpents, for not learning their lesson better.
“Hear my complaint,” said a little informing devil. “Here is a pretty woman when trimmed out, who was sent up to the world, to hunt subjects for you by means of their hearts; and to whom did she offer herself, but to a hard-working labourer coming home late from his occupation, who
instead of enjoying himself with her, went upon his knees to pray against the Devil and his angels: at another time, she went to a sick man.” “Ha!” said Lucifer, “cast her to that lost useless wench, who loved of yore Einion ab Gwalehmai, [108] of Anglesey.” “Stay,” said the fair one, “this is but the first offence. It is not yet above a year, since the day when I breathed my last, and was damned to your accursed government.” “She speaks true, O king of Torments! It is not yet a year by three weeks,” said the devil who had brought her there. “Therefore,” said she, “how would you have me so well versed as the damned, who have been here for three hundred, or out abroad depredating for five hundred years. If you desire from me better service, let me go into the world another time or two unchastised; and if I do not bring you twenty harlot-mongers, for every year that I am out, inflict upon me whatever punishment you please.” But the verdict went against her, and she was condemned to punishment for a hundred long years, that she might remember better the second time.
At this moment, behold another devil pushing a fellow forward. “Here you have,” said he, “a pretty dog of a messenger. As he was prowling about his old neighbourhood, above stairs, the other night, he saw a thief going to steal a stallion, and could not so much as help him to catch the horse without showing himself, frightening the thief so by his horrible appearance, that he took warning and became an honest man from that time.” “With the permission of the court,” said the fellow, “if the thief had got the gift from
above to see me, could I help it? But at worst this is a single peccadillo,” said he; “it is not above a hundred years since the day which terminated my mortal career, yet how many of my friends and neighbours have I not tempted hither after me, during that time? May I be in the deepest pit, if I have not as much inclination for the trade as the best of you; but now and then the craftiest will err.” “Here,” said Lucifer, “cast him to the school of the fairies, who are yet under the rod for their mischievous conduct of old, in strangling some people and threatening others; startling by such behaviour their neighbours from their heedlessness, upon whom the terror which they caused, had probably more effect than twenty sermons would have had.”
Next appeared four catchpoles, an informer, and fifteen damned, hauling two devils forward. “See,” said the informer, “lest you should lay the blame of all that is mismanaged on the seed of Adam, we bring you two of your old angels, who have spent their time above, quite as badly as the two preceding. Here is a fellow who has been making as great a fool of himself, as the Devil did at Shrewsbury the other day; who, in the midst of the interlude of Doctor Faustus, whilst some, according to the custom on such occasions, were committing adultery with their eyes, some with their hands, others making assignations for the same purpose, and doing various other things profitable to your kingdom, made his appearance to play his own part; by which blunder, he drove every one from taking his pleasure to praying. In like manner did this numskull act; for, whilst journeying over the world, on hearing two wenches talking of walking round the church at night, in order to see their sweethearts, he must needs show himself in the figure he wears at home, to the
two fools, who on recovering their senses, which at first they lost from fright, solemnly abjured all frivolity for ever. There’s a ninny-hammer for you! Instead of appearing like a devil, he ought to have divided himself and assumed the forms of two dirty, unlicked boors; for the girls would have imagined themselves bound to accept them, and then the filthy goblin might have lived as husband with the two female parties, without troubling a clergyman to perform the marriage.
“And here is another,” said he, “who went the last dark night, to visit two young maidens in Wales, who were turning the shift; and instead of enticing the girls to wantonness in the figure of a handsome youth, he must needs go to one with a hearse to sober her; and to the other with the sound of war in an infernal whirlwind, to drive her farther from her senses than she was before, and there was no need for that. But this is not the whole, for after going into the last girl, he cast her down and tormented her furiously, so that her parents in horror, sent for some of our enemies the clergy, to pray over her and cast him out, which they did. Now, if he had been wise, instead of kicking up such a hubbub, he would have tempted her quietly to despair, and to make away with herself. On another time, wishing to gain some of the conventiclers, he went to preach to them, and revealed the secrets of your kingdom; thus, instead of hindering, assisting their salvation.” At the word salvation, I could see some emitting living fire for madness. “Capital stories both, I won’t deny,” said the goblin; “but I hope that Lucifer will not permit one of Adam’s race of dirt, to put himself on an equality with me who am an angel, of a species and descent far superior.” “Ha!” said Lucifer, “he may be
sure of his punishment. But, sirrah, answer to these accusations speedily and clearly, or by hopeless Destruction I will—” “I have brought hither,” said the goblin, “many a soul since Satan was in the garden of Eden, and ought to know my trade better than this novice of an informer.” “Blood of an infernal fire-brand!” said Lucifer, “did I not command you to answer speedily and clearly.” “Do but hear me,” said the sprite. “As to preaching, by your own command I have been a hundred times preaching, and have forbidden people to follow several of the roads which lead to your territories, and yet silently, in the same breath, have led them hither safe enough, by some other vain paths; as I have done by preaching lately in Germany, and in one of the Faroe isles, and various other places.