Siege of Washington, D.C., written expressly for little people

by F. Colburn Adams

Now that the war spirit was full to the brim, the people of the South gathered in great numbers on the plains of Manassas. They were earnest, serious, and even savage in their intentions; and they brought with them their powder and shot-guns, and a large quantity of whisky. They also brought with them a great number of negroes, who were to build the forts, and do all work it would not become a gentleman to do. And while this work was progressing, the "gentlemen" soldiers of the South were to talk very loudly and courageously, and invite all the Yankees round about to come out and get whipped. These people resolved themselves into a great and powerful army, with Peter Beauregard, the French gentleman of whom I have before spoken, for its commander. This gentleman was somewhat eccentric, and much given to saying things, the true meaning of which he did not understand. A waggish friend of mine once told me that this Mr. Beauregard was educated for an apothecary at West Point, a place where young gentlemen are instructed in the various ways of getting a living honestly. Being very skillful in the use of mortars, he was held by Mr. Davis as a most proper person to command a southern army, inasmuch as he could give the Yankees all the physic they wanted in the shortest time. And as it is always expected that a great general will say a great many things that are neither sensible nor wise, and which afford politicians an excellent opportunity of picking them to pieces, he is a wise general who issues his orders and keeps his lips sealed on politics. I say this, my son, because it is popularly understood that a general who knows his business bears the same relations to a politician that pepper does to the stomach.

And it came to pass that the people of the North and the people of the West became seriously alarmed at the capers Mr. Beauregard and his men were cutting at Manassas. Indeed, many false reports were circulated concerning the great power of this Mr. Beauregard; and our people began to give way to their fears, and to declare that he might enter the capital any dark night and capture or send the Government on a traveling expedition. The aged gentlemen at the head of our Government shook their heads discouragingly, and declared there was no safety in going to bed at night while Mr. Beauregard was so near a neighbor. The honest farmers in the country round about were also very much alarmed at the unruly conduct of Mr. Beauregard's men, who carried off their pigs and chickens, and eat up all their vegetables. They also made a great noise, and planted guns on all the adjacent hills, a proceeding the honest farmers did not fully comprehend. Then these unruly men became very defiant, felt like fighting the world, and, in the honest belief that they could do it, invited all the rest of the nation to come out and get whipped. Yes, my son, and to show what confidence they had in themselves, they said we might bring "five for one;" and for that matter, all Germany and all Ireland. It was considered wisdom with them to say nothing about England and France. Those two peaceably inclined nations might, at some future day, be disposed to step in and help them out—in a quiet way. It was not so much humanity as a matter of profitable trade with these two great nations, and if things should take a successful turn, they might see the confederacy in a strong light, and give it material as well as moral help, notwithstanding it had slavery for its foundation. In short, these Southern gentlemen acted on the wise axiom, that it will not do to make enemies in a direction where you may need friends and assistance.

Now, my son, the eccentric French gentleman, of whom I have spoken as capable of administering physic enough to settle the question with the Yankees, soon became an object of great admiration with his noisy people. And this so pleased him, that he came in time to admire himself, and to firmly believe in his own mind that the world had no greater warrior. Self-confidence, my son, is one of the most necessary things in war. I have sometimes thought that this element of an army's strength was not fully understood. It was at least not understood by us when the war began. If it had been, a much less number of our people would have shared Mr. Beauregard's opinion of himself. As it was, our timid people so magnified his proportions as to see danger in his very shadow. But then, my son, we were very innocent of the practical part of war when the great rebellion began; and this innocence led us into the very grave error of giving our adversary more than his proper dimensions. It was this that led the Northern mind to over-measure Mr. Beauregard.

I have always had a good deal of sympathy for Mr. Beauregard, and never believed him anything but a pleasant, harmless gentleman, who got into bad company by mere accident. Nor do I believe he ever had any more serious design on the capital of the nation than to look at it longingly from a distance, and perhaps a desire now and then to enjoy the hospitality of some old friend. That he would have played the ruthless invader, if he had got into the city, no reflecting mind ever believed. But then there were people ready enough to believe anything in those days—even to believe that there was truth to be found in the stories told by Mr. Detective Baker.

It was natural enough that Mr. Beauregard should amuse his soldiers by telling them romantic stories of the pleasant days he had spent in Washington, as well as the great value of what it contained. It was necessary also that he should ascertain how far the Government at Washington could be frightened, and what were the best means to that end. You must know, my son, that a Frenchman regards it as one of the first principles in war to find out how far you can frighten your adversary before proceeding to fight him. This will account for a good deal that Mr. Beauregard said and did while at Manassas, and which, at the time, was somewhat unintelligible.

As we were not sure, however, as to what the real intentions of Mr. Beauregard and his master were, it was concluded that we could better preserve our respect for them, as well as the peace of mind of our own people, by applying the proper means to keep them at a respectful distance outside. Indeed the capital contained a great many things which would be extremely useful to an ambitious gentleman resolved on setting up a government of his own, and with the machinery all working according to his own way of thinking. And as the honest intentions of these ambitious men (I refer to Mr. Beauregard and his master) were no more to be trusted than their loyalty, we set our engineers to work building a cordon of forts, such as the world had never seen before, and supposed to be strong enough to keep all our enemies out. And these forts were mounted with such reasoning powers as the largest cannon in the world were capable of.

Among the things in Washington so very desirable to a gentleman about to set up a government of his own was the White House. Mr. Davis had long regarded this pleasant looking old mansion as a desirable residence for a gentleman born to rule over a people. Once comfortably seated in this pleasant mansion, a wonderful change would be worked in the political opinions of those whose minds were in doubt. Considered as master of the situation, his friends in the North would increase fourfold. And there was no knowing the turn respect for him abroad might take. A gentleman quietly settled down in the White House, if only for four years, is sure to have a large increase in the number of his friends, all ready either to accept his favors or sound his virtues. Even slavery, that had scourged mankind for so many generations, would have found a great increase of friends and admirers if Mr. Davis had made a home in the White House; so prone is weak human nature to bow to power. Indeed, I am not so sure that, with such a turn in our political affairs, those preachers who had been asserting the divine origin of slavery would not then have proclaimed that God himself was its great protector—a blasphemy the Christian Church will some day be ashamed of.

In addition to the White House being a desirable residence for Mr. Davis, there were those fine public buildings so much admired by strangers. They were just what Mr. Davis and his friends wanted in starting a new government, and would come in very handy. With Washington in his possession, and our worthy President and his Cabinet locked up in the arsenal, or sent on a traveling expedition into a colder climate for the benefit of their health, Mr. Davis's new enterprise would become a fixture in the history of nations. And there was a time when Mr. Davis could, with the means in his power, have accomplished all these things.

The arsenal, too, was full of gunpowder, of great guns, of valuable military stores and equipments. And these were just such things as a gentleman resolved to be a ruler and have a government according to his own way of thinking would stand most in need of. In short, the powder and big guns might be needed as a means of convincing those who differed with him that his opinions must be respected. This is a queer world, my son, and man is the strangest and most uncontrollable animal in it. Mr. Davis understood this as well as any gentleman within my knowledge. And if he had kept as keen an eye on his finances as he had on his political fortune, it would have been much better for him. He knew that if he could show to the world that his new government was sound financially, and likely to continue so, his prospects would be bright indeed. And with Washington, and what Washington contained, in his possession, he could set up his claim to the confidence of the financial world with more than ordinary pretensions.

It was indeed said (but I think in a strain of slander) that Mr. Beauregard looked with an air of great condescension on our noble Treasury building, and promised his fighting followers a share of its contents as soon as it came into his master's possession. Indeed it was said that Mr. Beauregard promised his men that when they got Washington they should have luxuries for rations, and fight with their pockets filled with silver and gold. And with their expectations firmly fixed on a specie basis, who could doubt as to what the result would be? This was the golden prize Mr. Davis hoped to win with Washington. And with it he saw, or rather thought he saw, England extending to him the right hand of fellowship, and the Emperor of France making him one of his very best bows, and thanking him for the liberty he had taken with the freedom of a people.