"The consummation of this being announced in all the newspapers, it was ordered that I occupy a seat in the office at an immense mahogany desk, at least three hours a day. I was to have all the daily papers duly filed at my hand, and to appear immersed in a pile of correspondence, just received per various foreign arrivals. If a customer strayed to me, I was to refer him to Flutter, who was the polite man of the firm, and generally sat in an enclosure of highly polished walnut railings, at a desk, upon which lay an enormous ledger he was for ever footing up, and which he at times left with great reluctance. Sometimes I was directed to refer the customer to a foreign gentleman who sat demurely at a desk in a corner, engaged in filling up foreign bills of exchange. In leaving unnoticed much that the house did, I may mention that it soon got into an extensive credit; for Flutter, who was a man of extremely good looks and dress, kept two of the best looking and most expensive female companions in Twenty-third Street, while Prig had a stud of seven horses, not one of which could be beat at Harlem; and these qualifications were excellent passports into the credit of the banking world of Wall Street. In truth, Flutter would frequently say, that the very hue and circumstance of their establishment was such as to make an impression upon, and secure the confidence of, the most flinty hearted banker; and as love of show was the malady of the nation, you must make the plaster to suit.
"Pickle was engaged most of the time in outdoor operations, and left to Prig and Flutter the sole management of the exchanges. And both being extremely generous men, and fast enough for any thing, they soon made a large circle of friends, whose paper they were ready to endorse out of sheer love. I had money enough for all my wants, and began to think myself the happiest of men. It was also deemed advisable, and for the advantage of the house, that I should go to board at the Astor. So, rubbing out the old score, I left my humble lodgings at Mrs. Pickle's, and returned to my old quarters, where, on seeing the quality of my pocket, I soon got in high favor with the landlord, and gave dinners to my friends. We went on swimmingly for nearly a year, and the Young American Banking House of Pickle, Prig, Flutter, & Co., it got rumored on the street, had been wonderfully prosperous. I sent my wife, Polly Potter, enough to live like a lady, and all the village began to say she was an excellent person, and our children played with the children of the best of them. One day, a short time after we had been drawing no end of bills, and selling largely of foreign exchange, there came back upon us such a large amount of returned paper as completely drove Flutter out of sight, while Prig said he held it advisable not to be seen at the counter. Twenty-four hours passed, and he also was not to be found. Poor Pickle got nervous, and turned pale, and offered all the excuses his ingenuity could invent to save himself from a cage with bars. Curses came like thunder claps upon the head of the house, but it was all to no effect. We had no balance in the bank, and cursing money out of a dead banking house, it seemed to me, was as useless an occupation as trying to get goods out of the custom house without feeing an employ‚ of that very accommodating asylum for idlers and rogues. The house thought it advisable to shut up, which it did by posting a notice to that effect upon the door. For myself, I felt like making my peace with my Maker, and enjoining him to send me some less perplexing mission; for the thing got into the newspapers, and we were held up to be a set of impostors, who deserved to be well hanged.
"And then Wall Street got into a strong frenzy, raised a cry of holy horror that such miscreants had been suffered to pollute the atmosphere of its righteousness; to preserve which its votaries were ready to call in all the bishops and priests of the land; though not a word was said of the many who had ransomed their backslidings with the tears of widows they had induced to invest in divers schemes. But to make the matter worse, it was found that Flutter, who was skilled in caligraphy, and could imitate the signatures of others to perfection, had raised a large amount of money on a species of collateral that proved to be worthless, though excellent as illustrating his skill in imitation. In truth, Flutter could manufacture first class paper with a degree of perfection rarely excelled. As neither Flutter nor Prig were to be found, and all attempts to solve the mystery of their ancestry proved futile, poor Pickle was arrested, called a miscreant, and all sorts of evil names; but was declared innocent by a jury of his peers, though his trial made a great noise, and there were enough unkind enough to say he ought to get twenty-one years in the penitentiary. Sly insinuations were also cast out about me; but they were coupled with so much courtesy, that as I had made nothing by the concern, I proceeded straight to the Astor, explained the state of my distress to the landlord, who indulged his disappointment with a few regrets, but at length said I ought to thank heaven it was no worse. He said he would wait for the little affair between us, hoping that fortune would so smile on me as to hasten the pay day. The Young American Banking House of Pickle, Prig, Flutter, & Co., being at an end, I held it prudent to give up my mission to Washington, (I had received news that my chances were slender,) and get quickly and quietly to my wife Polly, who at first thought I had come to take her and the family to live among the fine folks of New York, and was sorely grieved when the truth came out, but soon embraced me like a good wife. And together we lived as happily as could be desired, (I made calf brogans at twenty cents a pair,) until I went to the Mexican War, where, by my merit and bravery, I soon won my way to distinction."
CHAPTER XXXIV.
WHICH DESCRIBES SEVERAL STRANGE INCIDENTS THAT TOOK PLACE, AND MUST BE RECORDED, OR THE TRUTH OF THIS HISTORY MAY BE QUESTIONED.
THE major concluded his narrative, but forgot to mention, that when he returned home to his family, it was as plain Major Roger Potter-a change he considered due to discretion, for the villagers were extremely inquisitive, and might inquire by what process he was made a general. And, as his military honor never failed him, so was it brought into excellent use in gaining an advantage over the landlord of the Astor.
The night was now far advanced, and as we were about retiring to bed, Barnum entered, and, after debating various subjects, the conversation turned upon the wonderful pig, Duncan. The major swore he would not part with him for his weight in gold, as he intended soon to place him under the care of Doctor Easley, who would so cultivate his knowledge of German and other languages, as to take the critics by surprise, and cause them to get up a controversy concerning his talents, which was a fashion with them. And, as neither Easley could be embarrassed with his charge, nor the charge be ashamed of his tutor, who contemplated himself the greatest living critic after Macaulay, he would prosecute his studies with every advantage to himself, since, when he was brought forward for public favor, Easley could not abandon his pupil, and, being well paid, would consider himself in duty bound to write divers panegyrics in his praise. But Barnum, who was as shrewd as the major, though, perhaps, not so great a knave, persisted that such a course of instruction, and with such a tutor, could not fail to prove a grave injury, since the pig's talents were valuable only because they were natural, and the more wonderful on that account. As to Easley, he was but a dilapidated priest, much given to such tricks as were common with them, and, being employed by numerous publishers, who held him in high esteem as a critic, thought it no harm to write profound essays on the very trashy books of very sentimental school girls of sixteen. Barnum continued in this strain until he convinced the major that it would not be safe to place so gifted an animal under instructions to so capricious a critic as Easley, who would surely damage his morals, as well as his manners.
He also declared that his dealings in monstrosities had got him into numerous difficulties with editors and savans, which caused him to contemplate giving it up, though he well knew the public appetite for such things had not lessened a whit. And though the state of his affairs were somewhat chronic, he thought, if he could get another first class monstrosity, he could create an excitement that would make his fortune, and send New York mad. He had thought of getting up a clever imitation of the devil, which he was sure the public would all rush to see, and had undertaken the enterprise, but that he feared the editors would pick some flaw in him; for, though he had made them a mermaid, and a wooly horse, they still complained of his skill, and said he was not fit, when his friends suggested him for President of the United States.
I finally witnessed an agreement between this wonderful man and the major, by which the latter was to engage Duncan to the former at ten dollars a night, for ten nights, the engagement then to expire, and be open to further negotiations, according to the degree of favor then established between the animal and the public. And, as an evidence of his faith in the pig's talent, Barnum declared the first wonderful feat he intended to perfect him in, was that of sitting in state and presiding over primary meetings; and no man of sound sense would say he had not talent enough for the office.
When, then, the bargain was completed, and the major had given an order for the safe delivery of the pig into the hands of the loquacious showman, he touched him on the arm, and said, with an air of much sympathy, "Remember, sir, my affection for this animal makes it not the easiest thing in the world for me to part with him. And he was a great favorite with my wife Polly, who was so much attached to him that she shed no few tears at his departure. Pray see well to his behavior; and, as I take you for as good a Christian gentleman as any of them, I would have you remember that he was brought up in the care of the clergy, and can cut pranks enough if you let him have his way, though, from what I have seen, I should judge he had no love for the vulgar politics they delight to meddle with. Another favor I have to ask is this-that you will not whisper the ownership, lest the matter between us get to the ears of the editors, who would make much of it to the damage of my reputation as a politician. There is, also," he continued, in a whisper, "a little affair or two outstanding, which might make it extremely inconvenient."