GENERAL POTTER was not kept long waiting for means to prove himself a great warrior, for the cargo of vagabonds, described so exultingly by Glenmoregain as of the choicest kind, arrived early one morning, and conducted themselves so riotously that the simple-minded people of quiet Jollifee were thrown into a state of great excitement, and imagining them demons escaped from the infernal regions, took to their heels and ran terrified out of town. And this was regarded as a great blessing, for the vagabond army, numbering not less than five hundred, took possession of their houses and made clean work of their poultry yards, which fortunately for the Commander-in-chief were well stocked. But what pleased General Potter most was that Glenmoregain advised him of his intention to ship a dozen more just such cargoes, for there was no lack of such vagabonds in New York, and heaven knew it would be a blessing to get rid of.
And when they had sent terror and dismay to the hearts of the poor natives, and plundered their homes, and revelled to their heart's content, General Potter, feeling in every inch of him how great it was to be Commander-in-chief, directed that his generals appear before him, that he might consult with them concerning various projects of war he had in his head. In obedience then to this sum- mons there appeared before him at least twenty generals and as many major-generals; not one of whom had ever scented the perfume of battle, for ill truth they were dilapidated politicians, and editors, whose lack of brains and love of the bottle had brought them to the very verge of distress. And when they had partaken of the General's good cheer, he addressed them as follows: "Gentlemen! conscious that you are all brave soldiers, I would have you listen with becoming gravity to what I have to say; for I am no fool, and intend to have satisfaction of this King for the insult he offered to our country in compelling me to sit upon the ice. Know then that I have resolved to make the penalty the loss of his kingdom; and as I see you are all patriots, pray bear in mind how great is the undertaking. If we fail, why, then there will be enough to sneer at us; if we be victorious, then the valor of our arms will be sung and glorified in many lands. Remember that success closes malicious mouths. Be heroes then, see that your swords be sharp and your wits not blunted; for I hold that there is no judgment so just as that of a country conferring honors upon the brave; and he who earns the glory shall have it. As to myself, you shall see more of me when the enemy affords me a chance. But forget not that my motto is: "Compositum jus fasque animi," which, seeing that you are all scholars, I make no doubt, is familiar enough to you. To-morrow we will march against the enemy, so let no man say he is sick."
The generals were not a little diverted by this speech, which I venture to assert was never excelled for originality, though many stranger addresses have been made by Commanders-in-Chief to their officers. Indeed they were not long in discovering all the weaknesses of the man, and questioned among themselves whether it were better to yield him explicit obedience or set him down for a fool and treat him accordingly. They however took their departure, promising that nothing should be left undone; in fine that his orders would be obeyed to the letter.
And when they were gone, General Potter shrugged his shoulders, and looking askant at his secretary, who had remained silent during the interview, said: "Honestly, Mr. Tickler, I would like to have your opinion respecting these gentlemen generals of mine, for they seem a set of scurvy fellows, and have much need of raiment." Whispering, with his lips to Tickler's ear, he continued, "and there is a flavor about them by no means agreeable. And unless I be a bad prophet, either the devil has been painting all their noses, or they have long been familiar with the bottle."
"Faith of the saints, if your excellency would know what I think of them, it is this-that, barring you have the capacity of Wellington and Napoleon combined, you will have your hands full in keeping these generals from making war upon one another; though you may find it difficult to keep the army to their fighting when the enemy appears."
"I have them in my power, Tickler," replied the general, giving his head a significant toss; "and if they keep not peace between themselves then I will order them all hanged. And as the rules of the service must not be broken, I will take good care that they show me that deference due to my high position. What is more, friend Tickler, you shall be judge in all these matters, which is an honor of no mean quality; and which is here conferred upon you out of respect to your great learning." Mr. Tickler shook his head, and stroked his beard, despondingly. "It is well enough to be judge, your excellency; but as I have a fear the honors you seem so free to lavish upon me would not keep house well with my poverty, I would prefer first to have that relieved. Do not forget that our man has fed us on stolen provisions for these three weeks," replied Mr. Tickler. An end was put to this dialogue by the general reminding Mr. Tickler that men of great learning ought always to be patriots, since history furnished proofs enough of their great endurance under poverty.
On the following day, the general mounted his faithful horse, and with Mr. Tickler on his mule, proceeded to review his army of vagabonds. And though he complimented them on the great perfection of their drill, and bid them esteem themselves the heroes of no end of victories, they were in truth as awkward a set of fellows as ever shouldered musket, in short, not one of them knew how to take the first move in forming a section, though they could rob hen roosts and banana fields with a facility truly remarkable. And now, as the noon-day sun was oppressive enough to dissolve all their brains, the general ordered his second in command, one Absolam Broadbottom, to say to the army that he would march at nightfall. And when nightfall came, the army commenced its march, and was followed by the general, who cut such a shabby figure, when surrounded by his staff, that the whole army was ready to dissolve with laughter. In short the Commander-in-Chief afforded them an amount of amusement that quite compensated for the loss of hen-roosts. As a truthful historian I must not forget to mention that the general, like a good and discreet warrior, kept at a respectful distance in the rear, ordering at the same time that the country in advance be well scoured, lest some lurking portion of the enemy's army come upon them by surprise, doing serious damage before he could get his army in trim for making them dance again.
When they had travelled many miles, displaying great courage under all sorts of trials, the general suddenly discovered that he had lost his secretary, which sad misfortune he began to bewail in right good earnest. "I would have you know, Broadbottom," said he, addressing his second in command, "that the success of our undertaking will be hazarded without him, for he is a man of great learning."
"Umph!" returned Broadbottom, "if victories are to be gained only by your men of great learning, our country will have little to boast of in that line. It is now midnight, and I would suggest a halt for the night."
The general replied that the suggestion was an excellent one, and bid him act upon it. "You must know sir," said he, "that it is so many years since I have had aught to do with an army, that my memory needs much refreshing on these small matters." He also ordered Broadbottom to detach a file of men and send them in search of his secretary, which order was forthwith executed, to the great delight of those composing it, who instead of troubling themselves about the secretary, were resolved on spending the night at a ranch where dancing was to be had.