[THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE]
A gentleman who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for several days, desired to have the bill. Finding a large quantity of port placed to his servant's account he questioned him about it. "Please your honour," cried Pat, "do read how many they charge for." "One bottle port, one ditto, one ditto, one ditto." "Stop, stop, stop, master," exclaimed Paddy, "they are cheating you. I know I had some bottles of port, but I did not taste a drop of their ditto."
[CANNY SCOT]
Robbie met a neighbour smoking some fine tobacco sent by his son in America. He took out his own pipe ostentatiously. "Hae ye a match, Sandy?" he queried. The match was forthcoming, but nothing more. "I do believe," said Robbie, "I hae left ma tobacco at hame." "Then," said Sandy, after a silence, "ye micht gie me back ma match."
[A NICE DISTINCTION]
The Vicar (discussing the Daylight Saving Bill): "But why have you put the small clock on and not the big one?" Old Man: "Well, it's like this, sir; grandfeyther's clock 'ave been tellin' th' truth for ninety year, and I can't find it i' my heart to make a liar o' he now; but li'le clock, 'e be a German make, so it be all right for 'e."
[NOT TWO-FACED]
"Well, you're not two-faced anyway," said one man who had been quarrelling with another: "I'll say that for you."
"That's a very handsome acknowledgment," said the other, mollified.
"Because if you were," the first one continued, "you wouldn't be seen with that one."