[ON DEATH]
Two recruits were discussing the Great War and the possible date of their being sent to the front. Said one to the other, "I wouldn't mind getting killed, Charlie, if it wasn't so d----d permanent."
[ENVY]
A drunken man was found by the roadside in the suburbs of Dublin, lying on his face, apparently in a state of physical unconsciousness. "He is dead," said a countryman of his, who was looking at him. "Dead!" replied another, who had perceived him to be merely intoxicated; "by the powers, I wish I had just half his disease!"
[A HAT FOR NOTHING]
An honest rustic went into the shop of a Quaker to buy a hat, for which fifteen shillings were demanded. He offered twelve shillings. "As I live," said the Quaker, "I cannot afford to give it thee at that price." "As you live!" exclaimed the countryman, "then live more moderately, and be hanged to you." "Friend," said the Quaker, "thou shalt have the hat for nothing. I have sold hats for twenty years, and my 'As I live' trick has never been found out till now."
[AN OLD PROVERB]
A Chinaman was much worried by a vicious-looking dog which barked at him in an angry manner. "Don't be afraid of him," said a friend. "You know the old proverb: 'A barking dog never bites.'"
"Yes," said the Chinaman, "you know proverb, I know proverb, but does d--n dog know proverb?"