It was just before the opening of the Academy and Swiper was growling as usual.
"I wish I had a fortune," he said, "I'd never paint again."
"By Jove, old man," replied his visitor, "I wish I had one. I'd give it to you!"
[A NEW RECIPE]
At one of the meetings of a literary club a dish of peas was brought in, become almost grey with age. "You ought to carry these peas to Kensington," said one of the party. "Why?" asked another. "Because it's the way to Turn 'em Green."
Goldsmith hearing this is delighted and made a note of the joke. The next evening, dining out, he was pleased to find a dish of yellow peas on the table. "These ought to be sent to Kensington," he said. "Why?" he was asked. "Because that's the way to make them green," he replied.
[NOT A WAXWORK]
A farmer once took his son into an Assize Court. The lad gaped with open mouth at the resplendent figure of the judge, arrayed in scarlet and ermine. Suddenly the judge made a sign to the usher, and the lad exclaimed, "Why, father, it's alive. I thought he were a waxwork."
[THEY NEVER SAY THANK YOU]
Mike: "I did an extraordinary thing to-day. I had the last word with a woman."