Ike: "That so? How'd it occur?"
Mike: "Coming home on the car I said, 'Won't you have my seat, madam?'"
[TIPS]
A foreign lord, who resided for a time in England, had his own way of dealing with the question of tips. When his friends, who had dined with him, were going away, he always attended them to the door; and if they offered any money to the servant who opened it (for he never suffered but one servant to appear), he always prevented them, saying, in his manner of speaking English, "If you do give it, give it to me, for it was I that did buy the dinner."
[JUSTICE]
At a temperance lecture the speaker told of a Dutchman and his companion who went into Delmonico's in New York to get a lunch. They were surprised at being charged nine dollars! The Dutchman began to swear. "Don't you swear," said the other, "God has already punished Delmonico. I have got my pocket full of his spoons."
[DEAD AS A DOORNAIL]
An Irish farmer was asked by his landlord if the report of his intended second marriage was true, and replied--"It is, yer honner." "But your first wife has only been dead a week, Pat," said the landlord. "An' shure," retorted Pat, "she's as dead now as she ever will be, yer honner."
[FAITH]
A cleric, whose name was Mountain, being a candidate for a vacant see in the gift of the Lord Chancellor, waited upon his lordship to present his application. Said the Chancellor, "What influence do you possess?" "None," said the candidate, "except faith. You will remember, my lord, that, if thou have faith, and shall say to this mountain, Be thou cast into the sea, verily it shall be done." Said the Chancellor, "Brother Mountain, go into that see."