[FORGIVENESS]
"I intend to pray that you may forgive Casey for having thrown that brick at you," said the parson, when he called to see a man who had been worsted in a mêlée. "Mebbe yer riv'rence 'ud be saving toime if ye'd just wait till Oi git well, an' then pray for Casey," replied the patient.
[AN ODD COMPARISON]
Sir William B----, speaking at a parish meeting, made some proposals which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," says he to the farmer, "do you know that I have been at the two Universities, and at two colleges in each University?" "Well, sir," said the farmer, "what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the more he sucked, the greater calf he grew."
[ACOUSTICS]
When Sir Richard Steele was fitting up his great room in York Buildings, for public orations, he happened at that time to be behindhand in his payments to his workmen; and coming one day among them to see how they were working, he ordered one of them to get into the rostrum and make a speech, that he might observe how it could be heard. The fellow mounting and scratching his pate, told him he knew not what to say, for in truth he was no orator. "Oh!" said the knight, "no matter for that, speak any thing that comes uppermost." "Why here, Sir Richard," says the fellow, "we have been working for you these six months, and cannot get one penny of money. Pray, Sir, when do you intend to pay us?" "Very well, very well," said Sir Richard; "pray come down; I have heard enough; I cannot but own that you speak very distinctly, though I don't much admire your subject."
[SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT]
A boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighbourhood, who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, "T-T-T-Tom, can your mag t-t-talk yet?" "Ay, sir," says the boy, "better than you, or I'd wring his head off."
[BRIGHT AND SHARP]
A little boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth, they were generally stupid and dull when they were advanced in years, and vice versa. "What a very sensible boy, sir, must you have been!" returned the child.