Jim was being chastised by his father, and a passer-by stopped to enquire the reason for the punishment. He was informed that Jim had not locked up the chicken house the previous night. "But surely that's not a very bad offence: the chickens are sure to come home again." The father replied hurriedly, "That's just where the trouble is, Mister, they wouldn't come home; they'd go home."
[SUNDAY AFTERNOON SERVICES]
A young and energetic curate suggested to the vicar that Sunday afternoon services should be held in the church for the school children.
The Vicar gave his consent, and on the following Sunday afternoon the curate marshalled the children in the churchyard four a-breast to march into the church.
He selected the hymn "Onward, Christian soldiers," and decided to conduct them into the church, in real Salvation Army style, walking backwards.
On entering the church they commenced the verse, "See the mighty army, Satan leading on;" and he wondered why the congregation laughed.
[A NEW DISH]
A shoemaker in Dublin, getting on well in the way of business, became proud. One day there were customers in the shop when the shop-boy came in to say that the mistress bid him say dinner was ready. "What's for dinner, sir?" asked the shoemaker. "Herrings, sir," answered the boy. "All right," said the shoemaker, and when he went up to dinner he reprimanded the boy for not mentioning something decent and big, telling the boy always to mention a good feed when there were any people in the shop. A few days afterwards the boy came to say that dinner was ready. "What's for dinner, sir?" asked the shoemaker. "Fish, sir," answered the boy. "What sort of fish?" asked the shoemaker. "A whale, sir," answered the boy.
[FULL OF PLUCK]
Countryman (to dentist): "I wouldn't pay nothin' extra for gas. Jest pull her out, even if it does hurt."