The Visions of Dom Francisco de Quevedo Villegas

by Francisco de Quevedo

It might well make the company stare, to see a fellow hunting for devils in hell, where they swarm in legions. But as he was in this hurry, a gouvernante caught him by the arm, and gave him a half turn and stopped him. “Old lucky-bird,” says she, “if thou wantest devils here, where dost expect to find them?” He knew her as soon as he saw her. And “Art thou here old Beelzebub in a petticoat?” said he, “the very picture of Satan, the coupler of male and female, the buckle and thong of lechery, the multiplier of sin and the guide of sinners, the seasoner of rotten mutton, the interpretress betwixt whores and knaves, the preface to the remedy of love, and the prologue to the critical minute. Speak, and without more ado, tell me, where are the devils and their dams that brought me hither? These are none of them. No, no; I am not such an awfe as to be trepanned and spirited away by devils with tails, horns, bristles, wings, that smell as if they had been smoked in a chimney-corner. The devils that I look for are worse than these. Where are the mothers that play the bawds to their own daughters? and the aunts that do as much for their nieces, and make them caper and sparkle like wild-fire? The black-eyed girls that carry fire in their eyes, and strike as sure as a lance from the rest of a cavalier? Where are the flatterers that speak nothing but pleasing things? The make-bates and incendiaries, that are the very canker of human society? Where are the story-mongers? The masters of the faculty of lying? that report more than they hear, affirm more than they know, and swear more than they believe. Those slanderous backbiters, that like vultures prey only upon carrion? Where are the hypocrites that turn devotion into interest, and make a revenue of a commandment? That pretend ecstasy when they are drunk, and utter the fumes and dreams of their luxury and tipple for revelations? That make chapels of their parlours, preachments of their ordinary entertainments, and everything they do is a miracle. They can divine all that’s told them, and raise people to life again; that counterfeit sick, when they should work, and give an honest man to the devil with a Deo gratias. These are the devils I would be at; these are they that have damned me; look them out, and find them for me, ye impudent hag, or I shall be so bold as to search your French hood for them.” And with that word he fell on upon the poor gouvernante, tore off her head-gear, and laid about him so furiously that there would have been no getting him off, if Lucifer had not made use of his absolute authority to quiet him.

Immediately upon the composing of this fray we heard the shooting of bars and bolts, the opening of doors and hinges that creaked for want of grease, and a strange humming of a great number of people. The first that appeared were a company of bold, talkative, and painted old women; but as bonny and gamesome, tickling and toying with one another, as if they had never seen thirteen; and carrying it out with an air of much satisfaction and content. The babbler was somewhat scandalised at their behaviour, and told them how ill they did to be merry in hell; and several others admired it as much, and asked them the reason of it, considering their condition. With that one of the gang, that was wretchedly thin and pale, and raised upon a pair of heels that made her legs longer than her body, told Lucifer, with great respect, that at their first coming they were as sad as it was possible for a company of damned old jades to be. “But,” says she, “we were a little comforted when we heard of no other punishments here, than weeping and gnashing of teeth, and in some hope to come off upon reasonable terms; for we have not among us all so much as a drop of moisture in our bodies, nor a tooth in our heads.” “Search them presently,” cried the intermeddler, “squeeze the balls of their eyes, and let their gums be examined, you’ll find snags, stumps, or roots; or enough of somewhat or other there to spoil the jest.” Upon the scrutiny they were found so dry that they were good for nothing in the world but to serve for tinder or matches, and so they were disposed of into the devils’ tinder-boxes.

While they were casing up the old women there came on a number of people of several sorts and qualities, that called out to the first they saw, “Pray’e gentlemen,” said they, “before we go any further, will ye direct us to the court of rewards?” “How’s that,” cried one of the company, “I was afraid we had been in hell, but since you talk of rewards I hope ’tis but purgatory.” “Good, good,” said the whole multitude, “you’ll quickly find where you are.” “Purgatory!” cried the intermeddler, “you have left that up the hill there, upon the right hand. This is hell, and a place of punishment; here’s no registry of rewards.” “Then we are mistaken,” said he that spake first. “How so?” cried the intermeddler. “You shall hear,” said the other, “we were in the Other world entitled to the order of the squires of the pad, and borrowed now and then a small sum upon the King’s highway; we understood somewhat too of the cross-bite and the use of the frail dye. Some of our conscientious and charitable friends would fain have drawn us off from the course we were in, and, to give them their due, bestowed a great deal of good counsel upon us to very little purpose; for we were in a pretty way of thriving, and had gotten a habit and could not leave it. We asked them, ‘What would you have us do? Money we have none, and without it there’s no living; should we stay till it were brought, or came alone? How would ye have a poor individuum vagum to live? that has neither estate, office, master, nor friend to maintain him, and is quite out of his element unless he be either in a tavern, a bawdy-house, or a gaming ordinary. Now, that’s the man that Providence has appointed to live by his wits.’ Our advisers saw there was no good to be done, and went their way, telling us that in the other world we should meet with our reward.

“They would tell us some time, how base a thing it was to defame the house and abuse the bed of a friend. Our answer was ready, ‘Well! and had we not better do it there where the house is open to us, the master and lady kind, the occasion fair and easy, than to run a caterwauling into a family where every servant in the house is a spy, and (perhaps) a fellow behind every door in the house with a dagger or pistol in his hand to entertain us.’ Upon this, our grave counsellors finding us so resolute, e’en gave us over, and told us as before, that in the other world we should meet with our reward. Now taking this to be the other world these honest men told us of, we are inquiring after the rewards they promised us.”

“Abominable scoundrels!” said an officer of justice, there at hand, “how many of your reprobated companions have squandered away their fortunes upon whores and dice, exposing not only their wives and children but many a noble family to a shameful and irreparable ruin; and let any man put in a word of wholesome advice, their answer is, ‘Tush, tush; our wives and children are in the hands of Providence; and let Him provide for the rooks, that feeds the ravens.’ Then was it told ye, you should find your reward in the other world; and the time is now come wherein ye shall receive it; up, up then, ye cursed spirits, and away with them.” At which word a legion of devils fell on upon the miserable caitiffs, with whips and firebrands, and gave them their long-expected reward; and at every lash a voice was heard to say, “In the other world you shall receive your reward;” these wretches, in the meanwhile, damning and sinking themselves to the pit of hell, still, as if they had been upon earth, and vomiting their customary and execrable blasphemies.

Just as this storm blew over there drew near a multitude of bailiffs, sergeants, Catchpoles, and other officers of prey, with the thieves’ devil, bound hand and foot, and a foul accusation against him. Whereupon Lucifer, with a fell countenance, took his seat in a flaming chair, and called his officers about him. So soon as the prince had taken his place, a certain officer began his report. “Here is before thee,” quoth he, “a devil, most mighty Lucifer, that stands charged with ignorance in his trade; and the shame of his quality and profession, instead of damning men, he has made it his business to save them.” The word save put the court in such a rage, that they bit their lips till the blood started and the fire sparkled at their eyes; and Lucifer, turning about to his attorney, “Who would ever have imagined,” said he, “that so treacherous a rascal could have been harboured in my dominions?” “It is most certain, my gracious lord,” replied the attorney, “that this devil has been very diligent in drawing people into thefts and pilferies, and then, when they come to be discovered, they are clapped up and hanged, or some mischief or other. But still, before execution, the ordinary calls them to shrift; and many times the toy takes them in the head to confess and repent, and so they are saved. Now this silly devil thinks, that when he has brought them to steal, murder, coin, and the like, he has done his part, and so he leaves them; whereas he should stick close to them in the prison, and be tempting of them to despair and make away themselves. But when they are once left to the priest, he commonly brings them to a sight of their sins, and they ’scape. Now this simple devil was not aware, it seems, that many a soul goes to heaven from the gallows, the wheel, and the faggot: and this failing has lost your Highness many a fair purchase.” “Here’s enough,” cried the president, “and there needs no more charge against him.” The poor devil thought it was high time to speak now, when they were just upon the point of passing his sentence; and so he cried out, “My lord,” said he, “I beseech you hear me; for though they say the devil is dead, it is not meant of your greatness.” So there was a general silence, and thus he proceeded.

“I cannot deny, my lord, but Tyburn is the way to paradise, and many a man goes to heaven from the gallows. But if you will set those that are damned for condemning others, against those that are saved from the gallows, hell will be found no loser by me at the foot of the account. How many marshal’s-men, turn-keys, and keepers have I sent ye for letting a coiner give them the slip now and then, with his false money (always provided they leave better money instead on’t). How many false witnesses and knights of the post, that would set their consciences like clocks to go faster or slower, according as they had more or less weight, and swear ex tempore, at all rates and prices! How many solicitors, attorneys, and clerks, that would draw ye up a declaration or an indictment, so slyly, that I myself could hardly discover any error in’t; and yet, when it came to the test, it was as plain as the nose on a man’s face (that is to say again, provided they were well paid for the fashion). How many jailers that would wink at an escape for a lusty bribe! And how many attorneys that would give ye dispatch or delay thereafter, as they were greased! Now, after all this, what does it signify, if one thief of a thousand comes to the gallows? he only suffers because he was poor, that there may be the better trading for the rich, and without any design in the world to suppress stealing. Nay, it often falls out, that they that bring the malefactor to the gibbet are the worse criminals of the two. But they are never looked after; or, if they should be, they have tricks and fetches enough to bring themselves off; so that it fares in this case, as it did with him that had his house troubled with rats, and would needs take in a company of cats to destroy them: the rats would be nibbling at his cheese, his bacon, a crust of bread, and now and then a candle’s end; but when the cats came, down went a milk-bowl, away goes a brace of partridges or a couple of pigeons, and the poor man must content himself to go supperless to bed. In the conclusion, the rats were troublesome, but the cats were intolerable. And then there’s this in’t: Suppose one poor fellow hangs and goes to heaven: I do but give him in truck for two hundred, at least, that deserve to be hanged but ’scape and go to hell at last. Beside, a thief upon a gibbet is as good as a roasted dog in a pigeon house; for ye shall immediately have two or three thousand witches about him, for snips of his halter, an eye-tooth, or a collop of his fat, which is of sovereign use in many of their charms. But, in fine, let me do what I will my services are not understood. My successor, it may be, will discharge his duty better, and indeed I am very well content to lay down my commission; for (to say the truth) I am in years, and would gladly have a little rest now, in my old age, which I rather propose to myself in the service of some pretender than where I am.”

Lucifer heard him with great patience, and, in the end, gave him all the satisfaction imaginable; strictly charging the evil spirits that had abused him to do so no more, upon hazard of pains corporal and spiritual; and they desired him, too, that he would not lay down his employment, for he was strong enough yet to do very good service in it. But to think of easing himself, by going to a pretender, he’d find himself mistaken, for ’twas a duty he’d never be able to endure. “Well!” says he, “e’en what your Highness pleases. But truly I thought a devil might have lived very comfortably in that condition; for he has no more to do, that I can see, than to keep his ears open, and learn his trade. For put case it should be some pretender to a good office, or a fat bishopric (though the fathers and councils are against pretenders in this case) I fancy to myself all the pleasure and divertisement that may be. It is as good as going to school, for these people teach the devils their A B C. And all that we have to do is to sit still and learn.”

The vision that followed this was the dæmon of tobacco, which I must confess did not a little surprise me. I have indeed often said to myself, “Certainly these smokers are possessed;” but I could never swear it till now. “I have,” said the devil, “by bringing this weed into Spain, revenged the Indians upon the Spaniards for all the massacres and butcheries they committed there, and done them more mischief than ever Colon, Cortes, Almero, Pizarro did in the Indies: by how much it is more honourable to die upon a sword’s point by gunshot, or at the mouth of a cannon, than for a man to snivel and sneeze himself into another world; or to go away in a meagrim or a spotted fever, perchance, which is the ordinary effect of this poisonous tobacco. It is with tobacconists as ’tis with demoniacs under an exorcism, they fume and vapour, but the devil sticks to them still. Many there are that make a very idol of it; they admire, they adore it, tempting and persecuting all people to take it, and the bare mention of it puts them into an ecstasy. In the smoke it is a probation for hell, where another day they must endure smoking; taken in powder, at the nose, it draws upon youth the incommodities of old age, in the perpetual annoyance of rheum and drivel.”

The devil of subornation came next, which was a good-complexioned and a well-timbered devil, to my great amazement I must acknowledge, for I had never seen any devils till now but what were extreme ugly. The air of his face was so familiar to me that methought I had seen it in a thousand several places; sometime under a veil, sometime open; now under one shape and then under another. One while he called himself child’s-play; another while, kind entertainment; here, payment; there, restitution; and, in a third place, alms: but, in fine, I could never learn his right name. I remember in some places I have heard him called inheritance, profit, good cheap, patrimony, gratitude. Here he was called doctor; there, bachelor. With the lawyers, solicitors, and attorneys, he passed under the name of right; and the confessors called him charity.