He was well accompanied, and styled himself Satan’s lieutenant; but there was a devil of consequence that opposed him, might and main, and made this proclamation of himself. “Be it known,” says he, “that I am the great embroiler and politic entangler of affairs. The deluder of princes, the pretext of the unworthy, and the excuse of tyrants. I can make black, white; and give what colour I please to the foulest actions in nature. If I had a mind to overturn the world, and put all in a general confusion, I could do it; for I have it in my power to banish order and reason out of it; to turn sauciness and importunity into merit, example into necessity; to give law to success, authority to infamy, and credit to insolence. I have the tongues of all counsellors at my girdle, and they shall speak neither more nor less than just as I please. In short, that’s easy to me which others account impossible, and while I live ye need never fear either virtue, justice, or good government in the world. This devil of subornation, that talks of his lieutenancy, what could he ever have done without me? He’s a rascal that no person of quality would admit into his company, if I did not fit him with vizors and disguises. Let him hold his tongue then, and know himself; and let me hear no more of those disputes about the lieutenancy of hell, for I have Lucifer’s broad seal to show for my title to’t.”
“For my part,” cried another mutinous spirit, “I am one of those humble-minded devils that can content myself to hold the door, upon a good occasion; or knock under the table, and play at small game rather than stand out. But few words among friends are best, and when I have spoken three or four, let him come up that lists. I am then,” says he, “the devil interpreter, and my business is to gloss upon the text; in which case, the cuckolds are exceedingly beholden to me; for I have much to say for the honour of the horn. How should a poor fellow that has a handsome wench to his wife, and never a penny to live on, hold up his head in the world, if it were not for that quality? I have a pretty faculty in doing good offices for distressed ladies, at a time of need; and I make the whole sex sensible how great a folly and madness it is to neglect those sweet opportunities. Among other secrets, I have found out a way to establish an office for thievery, where the officers shall be thieves and justify it when they have done.” Here he stopped.
There was a short silence, and then there appeared another devil of about a foot and a half long. “I am,” says he, “a devil but of a small size, and perhaps one of the least in hell; and yet the door opens to me as well as to another, for I never come empty handed.” “Why, what have you brought them?” says the intermeddler, and came up to him, “What have I brought?” quoth he, “I have brought an eternal talker and a finical flatterer; they are two pieces that were in high esteem in the cabinets of two great princes, and I have brought them for a present to Lucifer.” With that, Lucifer cast his eye upon them, and with a damned-verjuice-face, as if he had bitten a crab, “You do well,” says he, “to say ye had them at court; and I think you should do well to carry them thither again; for I had as lief have their room as their company.”
After him followed another dwarf devil, complaining that he had been a matter of six years about so infamous a rascal, that there was no good to be done with him, for the bad as well as the better sort were scandalised at his conversation. “A mighty piece of business,” cried the gouvernante. “And could you not have gotten him a handsome office or employment? That would have made him good for something, and you might have done his business.”
In the meantime the babbler went whispering up and down and finding faults, till at length he came to a huge bundle of sleeping devils in a corner, that were fagotted up, and all mouldy and full of cobwebs, which he immediately gave notice of, and they cut the band to give them air. With much ado they waked them, and asked what devils they were, what they did there, and why they were not upon duty. They fell a-yawning, and said that they were the devils of luxury: “But since the women have taken a fancy to prefer guinies and jacobusses before their modesty and honour, there has been no need of a devil in the case to tempt them; for ’tis but showing them the merry spankers, they’ll dare like larks, and fall down before ye, and then ye may e’en do what you will with them, and take them up in a purse-net. Gold supplies all imperfections; it makes an angel of a crocodile, turns a fool into a philosopher, and a dressing-box well lined is worth twenty thousand devils. So that there is no temptation like a present; and take them from top to bottom, the whole race of woman is frail, and one thread of pearl will do more with them than a million of fine stories.”
Just as this devil made an end we heard another snorting; and ’twas well he did so, for we had trod upon his belly else. He was laid hold of, upon suspicion that he slept dog-sleep, or rather the sleep of a contented cuckold, that would spoil no sport where he made none. “I am,” says he, “the nuns’ devil, and for want of other employment I have been three days asleep here as you found me. My mistresses are now choosing an abbess, and always when they are at that work I make holiday: for they are all devils themselves then; there is such canvassing, flattering, importuning, cajoling, making of parties; and in a word so general a confusion, that a devil among them would do more hurt than good. Nay, the ambitious make it a point of honour upon such an occasion, to show that they can out-wit the devils. And if ever hell should be in danger of a peace, it is my advice that you presently call in a convention of nuns to the election of an abbess, which would most certainly reduce it to its ancient state of sedition, mutiny, and confusion, and bring us all in effect to such a pass that we should hardly know one another.”
Lucifer was very well pleased with the advice, and ordered it to be entered upon the register, as a sure expedient to suppress any disorders that might happen for the future to the disturbance of his government: after which he commanded the issuing out of a summons to all his companies and livery-men, who forthwith appeared in prodigious multitudes; and Lucifer with a hideous yell delivered himself most graciously as follows.
THE DECREE OF LUCIFER
“To our trusty and despairing legions, and well-beloved subjects, lying under the condemnation of perpetual darkness, that lived pensioners to sin, and had death for their pay-master, greeting. This is to let you understand, that there are two devils, who pretend a claim to the honour of our lieutenancy; but we have absolutely refused to gratify either the one or the other, in that point, out of a singular affection and respect to our right trusty and well-beloved cousin, a certain she-devil that deserves it before all others.”
At this the whole assembly fell to whispering and muttering, and staring one upon another, till at last Lucifer observing it bade them never trouble themselves to guess who it might be, but fetch good fortune to him, known otherwise by the name of Madam Prosperity, who presently appeared in the tail of the assembly, and with a proud and disdainful air marched up and planted herself before the degraded seraphim, who looked her wistly in the face, and then he on in the tone he first began.