Direct discourse is more emphatic when it is separated from explanatory phrases, particularly from those which follow.
- Faulty: Mosher leaped to the stage and shouted defiantly, "I will never consent to that!" and he looked as if he meant what he said.
- Right: Mosher leaped to the stage and shouted his defiance: "I will never agree to that!" And he looked as if he meant what he said.
Exercise:
- After the tents are pitched, the beds made, and the fires started, the first meal is cooked and served, and this meal is the beginning of camp-life joy.
- He tried to make his wife vote for his own, the Citizen's Party, but she firmly refused.
- At the word of command the dog rushed forward; the covey rose with a mighty whir, and the hunter fired both barrels, and the dog looked in vain for a dead bird, and then returned disconsolate.
- I sat and gazed at the motto, "Aim high, and believe yourself capable of great things," which my mother had placed there for me.
- "A Book of Verses underneath the Bough,
A Jug of Wine, a Loaf of Bread, and Thou
Beside me singing in the Wilderness." - were the four things Omar Khayyam wanted to make him happy.
[Emphasis by Subordination]
42. Do not place the important idea of a sentence in a subordinate clause or phrase. Make the important idea grammatically independent. If possible, subordinate the rest of the sentence to it.
- Faulty: He had a manner which made me angry.
- Faulty: The fire spread to the third story, when the house was doomed.
- Faulty: For years the Indians molested the white people, thereby causing the settlers to want revenge.
The important idea should not be placed in a which clause, or a when clause, or a participial phrase.
- Right: His manner made me angry.
- Right: When the fire spread to the third story, the house was doomed.
- Right: Years of molestation by the Indians made the white men want revenge.
Exercise: