"My father," said Oliver, was born not far from Aachen town of poor parents, for which reason he must in his youth take service with a rich trader that dealt in copper wares: and there did he carry himself so well that his master had him taught to write, read, and reckon, and set him over his whole household as did Potiphar Joseph. And that was well for both parties, for the merchant's wealth grew more and more through my father's zeal and prudence, and my father became prouder and prouder through his prosperity, so that he grew ashamed of his parents and despised them, of which they complained, yet to no purpose. So when he was five-and-twenty years of age, then died the merchant, and left an aged widow and one daughter, which last had played the fool and was not barren: but her child soon followed his grandfather. Thereupon my father, when he saw her at once fatherless and childless but not moneyless, cared not at all that she could wear no maiden's garland again, but began to pay her court, the which her mother well allowed, not only because her daughter might so recover her reputation but also because my father possessed all knowledge of the business and in especial could well wield the Jews' Spear.[[33]] And so by this marriage was my father in a moment a rich man and I his son and heir, whom for his wealth's sake he caused to be tenderly brought up: so was I kept in clothes like a young nobleman, in food like a baron, and in attendance like a count, for all which I had more to thank copper and calamine than silver and gold.
"So before I reached my seventh year I had given good proof of what I was to be, for the nettle that is to be stings early: no roguery was too bad for me, and where I could play any man a trick I failed not to do so, for neither father nor mother punished me for it. I tramped with young rascals like myself through thick and thin in the streets and was already bold enough to fight boys stronger than myself: and did I get beat, my foolish parents would say, 'How now? Is a great fellow like that to beat a mere child?' But if I won (for I would scratch and bite and throw stones), then said they, 'Our little Oliver will turn out a fine fellow.' And with that my indolence grew: for praying I was yet too young: and if I did curse like a trooper, 'twas said I knew not what I said. So I became worse and worse till I was sent to school: and there I did carry out what other wicked lads do mostly think of, yet dare not practise. And if I spoiled or tore my books, my mother would buy me others lest my miserly father should be wroth. My schoolmaster did I plague most, for he might not deal with me hardly, receiving many presents from my parents, whose foolish love to me was well known to him. In summer would I catch crickets and bring them secretly into the schoolroom, where they did play a merry tune. In winter would I steal snuff and scatter it in that place where 'tis the custom to whip the boys. And so if any stiff-necked scholar should struggle my powder would fly about and cause an agreeable pastime: for then must all sneeze together.
"So now I deemed myself too great a man for small roguery, but all my striving was for higher things. Often would I steal from one and put what I had stolen in another's pouch to earn him stripes, and with these tricks was I so sly that I was scarce ever caught. And of the wars we waged (wherein I was commonly colonel) and the blows I received--for I had ever a scratched face and a head full of bruises--I need not to speak: for every man doth know how boys do behave: and so from what I have said canst thou easily guess how in other respects I spent my youth."
Chap. xviii.: HOW HE STUDIED AT LIEGE, AND HOW HE THERE DEMEANED HIMSELF
"Now the more my father's riches increased, the more flatterers and parasites he had round him, all which did praise my fine capacities for study, but said no word of all my other faults or at least would excuse them, seeing well that any that did not so could never stand well with my father and mother. And so had they more pleasure in their son than ever had a tomtit that has reared a young cuckoo. So they hired for me a special tutor, and sent me with him to Liège, more to learn foreign tongues than to study: for I was to be no theologian, but a trader. He, moreover, had his orders not to be hard with me, lest that should breed in me a fearful and servile spirit. He was to allow me freely to consort with the students, lest I might become shamefaced, and must remember that 'twas to make, not a monk, but a man of the world of me, one that should know the difference between black and white.
"But my said tutor needed no such instruction, being of himself given to all manner of knaveries. And how could he forbid me such or rebuke me for my little faults when he himself committed greater? To wine and women was he by nature most inclined, but I to wrestling and fighting: so did I prowl about the streets at night with him and his likes and learned of him in brief space more lechery than Latin. But as to my studies, therein I could rely on a good memory and a keen wit, and was therefore the more careless, but for the rest I was sunk in all manner of vice, roguery, and wantonness: and already was my conscience so wide that one could have driven a waggon and horses through it. I heeded nothing if I could but read Berni or Burchiello or Aretine during the sermon in church: nor did I hear any part of the service with greater joy than when 'twas said 'Ite missa est.'
"All which time I thought no little of myself but carried me right foppishly: every day was for me a feast-day, and because I behaved myself as a man of estate, and spent not only the great sums that my father sent me for my needs, but also my mother's plentiful pocket-money, therefore the women began to pay us court, but specially to my tutor. From these baggages I learned to wench and to game: how to quarrel, to wrestle, and to fight I knew well before, and my tutor in no wise forbade my debaucheries, since he himself was glad to take part in them. So for a year and a half did this monstrous fine life endure, till my father did hear of it from one that was his factor in Liège, with whom indeed we had at first lodged: this man received orders to keep a sharper eye upon us, to dismiss my tutor at once, to shorten my tether, and to examine into my expense more carefully. Which vexed us both mightily: and though he, my tutor, had now his congé, yet did we hold together, one way or the other, both by day and night: yet since we could no longer spend money as before, we did join ourselves to a rogue that robbed folks of their cloaks at night; yea, or did drown them in the Meuse: and what we in this fashion earned with desperate peril of our lives, that we squandered with our whores, and let all studies go their way.
"So one night as we, after our custom, were prowling by night, to plunder students of their cloaks, we were overcome, my tutor run through the body, and I, with five others that were right rascals, caught and laid by the heels: and next day we being examined and I naming my father's factor, that was a man much respected, the same was sent for, questioned concerning me, and I on his surety set free, yet so that I must remain in his house in arrest till further order taken. Meanwhile was my tutor buried, the other five punished as rogues, robbers and murderers, and my father informed of my case: upon which he came himself with all haste to Liège, settled my business with money, preached me a sharp sermon, and shewed me what trouble and unhappiness I had caused him, yea, and told me it seemed as my mother would go desperate by reason of my ill conduct: and further threatened me, in case I did not behave better, he would disinherit me and send me packing to the devil. So I promised amendment and rode home with him: and so ended my studies."
Chap. xviii.: OF THE HOMECOMING AND DEPARTURE OF THIS WORSHIPFUL STUDENT, AND HOW HE SOUGHT TO OBTAIN ADVANCEMENT IN THE WARS
"But when my father had me safely home, he found I was in very truth spoiled. I had proved no worshipful dominie as he had hoped, but a quarreller and a braggart, that imagined he knew everything. So hardly was I warm at home when he said to me, 'Hearken, Oliver, I do see thine asses' ears a-growing fast: thou beest a useless cumberer of the ground, a rogue that will never be worth aught: to learn a trade art thou too old: to serve a lord thou art too insolent, and to understand and follow my profession thou art but useless. Alas, what have I accomplished with all the cost that I have spent on thee? For I did hope to have my joy in thee and to make of thee a man: and now must I buy thee out of the hangman's hand. Oh fie, for shame! 'Twere best I should set thee in a treadmill and let thee eat the bread of affliction till some better luck arise for thee, when thou shalt have purged thee of thine iniquities.'