THE music of the spheres isn't loud enough to drown the din of some matrimonial squabbles. A KNOWLEDGE of all the ologies and isms isn't worth half as much to a girl in the game of life as a knowledge of how to use her eyes and how to keep her pompadour in curl. WHEN a man discovers that a woman knows more than he does it strikes him dumb—but not with admiration. HEART-TO-HEART talks between platonic friends are as apt to lead to lip-to-lip silences that Plato never dreamed of. MAN may be the noblest work of God—in the abstract; but in a bathing suit—well, it takes blind love to make a girl think he looks like that.


A MAN'S surprise at the calmness with which his wife receives the announcement that he has failed in business is only equaled by his astonishment at her hysteria when a dress comes home that doesn't fit. A GIRL always keeps a tender spot in her heart for the man she has once loved; but to a man nothing is so cold as cooled affection. YOU would fancy a girl were a species of ostrich from the amount of flattery a man feeds her before marriage and the two-edged cynicisms he expects her to swallow afterward. THE average woman goes from the altar into total eclipse from which she never emerges until she becomes a widow—since husbands never look at their wives and other men don't dare.

THE man who is most in love is most apt to get over it, just as the man who drinks most champagne has the worst headache next morning. ALL this talk about trial marriages seems so superfluous—considering that marriage has always been a trial. A MAN'S sense of honor is so peculiar that it gets out of working condition the minute he comes near a pretty woman. MAN—as far as his opinions and emotions go—is the noblest work of woman. A KISS and its thrills are soon parted—after the honeymoon. EVERY woman is born an actress; and actresses are twice as attractive to men as other women because they are twice women.


A DARK brown "past" is sometimes a good insurance against a black future; the man who has "seen life" is not quite so likely to be looking for it. HAPPINESS in marriage doesn't depend half so much on whether or not a man keeps the Ten Commandments and goes to church as on whether or not he keeps a pretty stenographer and comes home to dinner. WHEN a man declares that he knows his own mind, his wife may sometimes wonder why he seems so proud of the acquaintance. MARRYING a widower is like inheriting an heirloom; marrying a grass widower is like getting second-hand goods that somebody else has been anxious to get rid of.


MATRIMONY is a life job with long hours, small pay, hard work, no holidays and no chance to "give notice" if you get tired of it. AFTER all, a wife has her uses—even if its only as a protection against other ladies' breach of promise suits. A PRETTY wife in a soiled kimono affects a man like a pâté de fois gras served on an old tin plate; it takes away his appetite—for love. IT always surprises a woman when the son who has been tied to her apron strings suddenly gets tangled up in some chorus girl's shoe strings. A MAN'S idea of a perfectly loyal, devoted woman is one who will deceive another man for his sake.