Of his marriage, and conduct in his family.
1.WHEN God convinced me, that it was not meet I should be alone, he also dearly convinced me, that a prudent wife is from the Lord.—I looked therefore and cried to, and waited on him for direction, with that eminent freedom and preparation of heart, which gave a fixed hope he would incline his ear, and bless me in my choice.
2. The command, Be not unequally yoked with unbelievers, was so strongly imprest on my soul, that no prospect of outward advantage could have swayed me to chuse one void of the fear of God. But whether to chuse on the testimony of others, or from personal acquaintance, I could not easily determine.
3. At last inclining to think a personal acquaintance necessary, I pitched on one who appeared suitable to me; and who falling at that time under some unusual concern about religion, which she imparted to me, it looked like a providential clearing of the way; on which, I too hastily proceeded in the proposal. Yet I never durst pray absolutely for success, but had great freedom in praying that God would direct: and that if it were not for my good, my way might be hedged in, and my design effectually disappointed. Mean while she carried on an intrigue with another, to whom she was soon after clandestinely married.
4. Another marriage was proposed to me some time after. In the beginning of this affair, March 1700, I was confident to meet with a disappointment; whereon I resolved to quit it, and did so for some time. But God, by one means or other, broke all my designs of turning away. He visibly interposed his providence, gave fresh opportunities, directed me to means I had never before thought of, and reconciled those to it, from whom I expected the strongest opposition.
5. Yet after I had the greatest encouragement to proceed, I met with discouragements again: this was follow’d by new encouragement when I least expected it: and by this variety of success, I was kept low as to my thoughts of myself, and wholly dependent on God for the event.
6. December 13. This forenoon I set apart for prayer: and being to address God with regard to my proposal of marriage, I began the work with an enquiry into my own state. Upon this enquiry, I found,
First, With respect to God, I was under a full conviction, that life was in his favour, nay, that his loving-kindness is better than life itself. That any interest in his favour is utterly impossible, without respect had to a mediator: God being holy, I unholy; God a consuming fire, I a sinner meet to be consum’d: that God out of mere love has been pleased to send into the world Jesus Christ, as the mediator through whom sinners might regain his favour.
Secondly, With respect to Christ, nothing has been able (since it was first given me) to shake my full conviction of the following particulars: that Jesus Christ is such a Saviour as it became the goodness, justice, wisdom, and power of God to provide; and such as became the desires and needs of sinners, as being sufficient to save all that come to God through him, and that to the uttermost, his blood being able to cleanse from all sin, his power to subdue all things to himself, and his Spirit to lead into all truth: that I need him in all his offices; there being no time when I durst once think of parting them: God knows that my heart is as much reconciled to his kingly as to his priestly office, and that it would for ever damp me, had he not power to captivate every thought to the obedience of himself; that all my hope of freedom from that darkness which is my burden, is from Christ’s prophetical office; and my hope of freedom from the guilt and power of sin, arises from his priestly and kingly offices. In one word, I have no hope of any mercy in time or eternity, but through him. ’Tis through him I expect all, from the least drop of water to the immense riches of his glory.
Thirdly, With respect to this law, notwithstanding my frequent breaches of it, I dare take God to witness, that I count all his commandments concerning all things, to be holy, and just, and good; insomuch that I would not desire any alteration in any, and least of all in those which most cross my inclinations: that I desire inward, universal conformity to them all, and that in the spiritual meaning and extent, as reaching all thoughts, words, and actions, and even the minutest circumstances of them. Lastly, That since the commencement of this affair particularly, I have seen a peculiar beauty in the law, as exemplified in the life of our Lord; more especially in his absolute submission to the divine will, even in those things which were most contrary to his innocent nature. And though I could scarce reach this submission at some times, yet I earnestly desired it, I look’d upon it as exceedingly amiable, and condemned myself so far as I came short of it.