The very day on which he wrote these reflections, and the first of his going out, after this illness, it being a day appointed for fasting and prayer, to avert the judgment of God, which seemed impending over these nations; he was taken in a chair to the preaching-house, and preached for a full hour, “having (as he expresses it) a deep sense of the majesty of God, and joyful confidence, that he would defend the real Israelites from the impending evil.”
The frequent experience which he had of remarkable escapes from confinement, by disorders which threatened him with a sudden removal hence, and these in times of preaching especially, made it a frequent and felt expression with him, “When I am weak, then I am strong.”
“When one knows (says he, on another of these occasions) that God is for him, that he has redemption in the blood of Christ, then whether he be rich, or poor, in sickness, or in health, he is happy, and can rejoice. Have I recovered my strength? And am I freely forgiven my former trespasses? Does the Spirit of God dwell in my heart? And can I by faith behold a reconciled God, and interceding Saviour, at his right hand? Well, then, welcome sickness, contempt, poverty, and death. If I meet with worldly troubles, ’tis to make my crown the brighter. If I suffer for Christ’s sake, happy am I. If I bear the cross, I shall wear the crown. Is my body cold? I am warmed with the flames of sacred love; naked? I have a covering of wrought gold, the righteousness of my Saviour! Hungry? I have meat to eat the world knoweth not of, the hidden manna, and the bread of life. Let me suffer then with Christ. Men may kill my body; but it would only send me the sooner to heaven.”
The following instance, the last I shall mention on this head, is the rather inserted, because in it may be seen a true picture of the man, from the free pourings out of his own heart. It was at Bristol, after recovering from a dangerous fever.
*“For three days last past, I had much converse with God, and vehement desires to live wholly to his glory. I have enquired into the reason of mine affliction, and think, God did it to humble me, that I should not be puffed up with the praises of the people. They cannot indeed too much admire the truths of God, nor be too thankful to him for them. But the danger was, lest I should think myself somebody: yet I cannot lay to my own charge the desire of applause, neither did I find it lift me up: on the contrary, it often made me ashamed, knowing my own vileness, and how little I either suffered or did for God.”
*“And truly I was never more sensible of my unprofitableness, than I am at this hour. I blush to see and hear how others live, and have lived; and at how low a rate I yet live. But above all, when I consider the life of the holy Jesus, O how far short do I come! I am not entirely dead to myself. I am not altogether free from affection to creatures. I cannot rejoice equally to suffer, as to be comforted. I speak words I ought not. I spend some minutes unprofitably. In short, I do not love God, or my neighbour as I ought.”
*“O, was it not for free grace, and the blood of sprinkling, where should I appear! But thou knowest my desire, or rather the desire of thy spirit within me. Thou knowest that there hast never been a saint upon earth whom I do not desire to resemble, in doing and suffering thy whole will. I would walk with thee, my God, as Enoch did. I would follow thee to a land unknown, as Abraham did. I would renounce all for thee, as did Moses, and Paul. I would, as did Stephen, seal thy truth with my blood!”
*“Is not this the desire of my soul, O my Saviour? O, give me power; give grace and constancy. For unless thou helpest, all my longings and praying will prove fruitless. But if thou waterest these plants, of thine own right hand’s planting, this grain shall become a great tree, and my soul shall be swallowed up in thee my Lord God!”
“Jesus was my comfort, and my joy, my life, and my strength. O, if I had not Jesus for my help, I should be miserable. But since I have thee I am happy in these my afflictions. The lovely smiles of thy countenance, which shine with glory, revive and raise me. O, divine love! What hast thou done for me, a poor sinner! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not his benefits.
“O that my soul was loosened from this body, that I might ascend the holy hill of the Lord! My Jesus, when shall I behold Thee face to face! O that this separate wall was broken down, this partition taken away, and that I could even now enter into the celestial courts there to sing everlasting hallelujah’s to my Lord, God, Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, Amen!”