Lord’s-day, September 13. I was much refreshed and engaged in meditation and writing, and found a heart to act for God. My spirits were refreshed, and my soul delighted to do something for God.
[On the evening following that Lord’s-day, his feet began to swell, which thenceforward swelled more and more. A symptom of his dissolution coming on.
The next day his brother left him, being obliged to return to New-Jersey on some business of great importance, intending to return again with all possible speed, hoping to see his brother yet once more in the land of the living.
Mr. Brainerd having now with much deliberation considered the important affair before-mentioned, left with him by the honourable commissioners in Boston, viz. the recommending two persons proper to be employed as missionaries to the six nations, he about this time wrote a letter, recommending two young gentlemen of his acquaintance Mr. Elihu Spencer of East-Haddam, and Mr. Job Strong of Northampton. The commissioners on the receipt of this letter, unanimously agreed to accept of the persons he had recommended.
He also this week, wrote a letter to a gentleman in Boston, relating to the growth of the Indian school, and the need of another school-master. The gentlemen, on the receipt of this letter, had a meeting, and agreed with chearfulness to give 200l. (in bills of the old tenor) for the support of another school-master; and desired the Rev. Mr. Pemberton of New-York, as soon as possible to procure a suitable person for that service: and also agreed to allow 75l. to defray some special charges that were requisite to encourage the mission to the six Nations.
Mr. Brainerd spent himself much in writing those letters, being exceeding weak: but it seemed to be much to his satisfaction, that he had been enabled to do it; hoping that it was something done for God, and which might be for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom and glory. In writing the last of these letters, he was obliged to use the hand of another, not being able to write himself.
On the Thursday of this week (September 17.) was the last time that ever he went out of his lodging-room. That day, he was again visited by his brother Israel, who continued with him thenceforward till his death. *On that evening he was taken with something of a diarrhea; which he looked upon as another sign of his approaching death: whereupon he expressed himself thus; “Oh, the glorious time is now coming! I have longed to serve God perfectly: now God will gratify those desires!” And from time to time, at the several new symptoms of his dissolution, he was so far from being damped, that he seemed to be animated; as being glad at the appearances of death’s approach. He often used the epithet, glorious, when speaking of the day of his death, calling it that glorious day. And as he saw his dissolution gradually approaching, he was much in talking about it, and also settling all his affairs, very particularly and minutely giving directions concerning what he would have done. And the nearer death approached, the more desirous he seemed to be of it. He several times spake of the different kinds of willingness to die; and spoke of it as a mean kind of willingness to die, to be willing to leave the body only to get rid of pain.]
*Saturday, September 19. While I attempted to walk a little, my thoughts turned thus; “How infinitely sweet it is, to love God, and be all for him!” Upon which it was suggested to me, “You are not an angel, lively and active.” To which my soul immediately replied, I as sincerely desire to love and glorify God, as any angel in heaven.” Upon which it was suggested again, “But you are filthy, and not fit for heaven.” Hereupon instantly appeared the blessed robes of Christ’s righteousness, which I could not but exult and triumph in; and I viewed the infinite excellency of God, and my soul even broke out with longings, that God should be glorified. I thought of dignity in heaven: but instantly the thought returned, “I do not go to heaven to get honour, but to give all [♦]possible glory and praise.” Oh, how I longed that God should be glorified on earth also! Bodily pains I cared not for: though I was then in extremity, I never felt easier; I felt willing to glorify God in that state, as long as he pleased. The grave appeared really sweet, and I longed to lodge my weary bones in it: but Oh, that God might be glorified! this was the burden of all my cry. Oh, I knew, I should be active as an angel, in heaven; and that I should be stripped of my filthy garments!——But Oh, to love and praise God more, to please him for ever! this my soul panted after, and even now pants for while I write. Oh that God might be glorified in the whole earth! “Lord, let thy kingdom come.” I longed for a spirit of preaching to descend and rest on ministers, that they might address the consciences of men with closeness and power. I saw God, had the residue of the spirit; and my soul longed it should be “poured from on high.” I could not but plead with God for my dear congregation, that he would preserve it, and not suffer his great name to lose its glory in that work; my soul still longing, that God might be glorified.
[♦] “possibly” replaced with “possible” per Errata
*[In the evening, his mouth spake out of the abundance of his heart, expressing in a very affecting manner much the same things as are written in his diary: and among many other extraordinary expressions, were these; “My heaven is to please God, and glorify him, and to give all to him, and to be wholly devoted to his glory; that is the heaven I long for; this is my religion, and that is my happiness, and always was, ever since I had any true religion; and all those that are of that religion shall meet me in heaven—I do not go to heaven to be advanced, but to give honour to God. It is no matter where I shall be stationed in heaven, whether I have a high or a low seat there; but to love, and please, and glorify God is all: had I a thousand souls, if they were worth any thing, I would give them all to God; but I have nothing to give, when all is done.——It is impossible for any rational creature to be happy without acting all for God; God himself could not make him happy any other way.——I long to be in heaven, praising and glorifying God with the holy angels: all my desire is to glorify God.——My heart goes out to the burying-place; it seems to me a desirable place; but Oh to glorify God! that is it; that is above all.——It is a great comfort to me, to think that I have done a little for God in the world: Oh! it is but a very small matter; yet I have done a little, and I lament it, that I have done no more for him.——There is nothing in the world worth living for, but doing good and finishing God’s work. I see nothing else in the world, that can yield any satisfaction, besides living to God, pleasing him, and doing his whole will.——My greatest joy and comfort has been, to do something for promoting the interest of religion, and the souls of particular persons: and now, in my illness, while I am full of pain and distress from day to day, all the comfort I have, is in being able to do some little char (or small piece of work) for God; either by something that I say, or by writing, or some other way.”