Monday, December 5. I rode to Stockbridge, but was almost outdone with the extreme cold. I had some refreshing meditations by the way; but was barren and lifeless, much of the day. Thus my days roll away, with but little done for God; and this is my burden.
Tuesday, December 6. I was perplexed to see the vanity and levity of professed Christians: but I spent the evening with a Christian friend, that was able to sympathize with me in my spiritual conflicts.
*Thursday, December 8. My mind was lost with different affections. I was looking round in the world, to see if there was not some happiness to be derived from it. God, and some objects in the world seemed each to invite my heart, and my soul seemed to be distracted between them. I have not been so beset for a long time: with relation to some objects which I thought myself most dead to. But while I was desiring to please myself with any thing below, sorrow and perplexity attended the first motions of desire.—I found no peace or deliverance from distraction, till I found access to the throne of grace; and as soon as I had any sense of God, the allurements of the world vanished. But my soul mourned over my folly, that I should desire any pleasure, but in God. God forgive my spiritual idolatry.
Thursday, December 22. I spent this day alone in fasting and prayer, and reading in God’s word the exercises and deliverance of his children. I had realizing apprehensions of divine power, grace, and holiness; and also of the unchangeableness of God, that he is the same as he was when he delivered his saints of old out of tribulation. My soul was sundry times in prayer enlarged for God’s church and people. O that Zion might become the “joy of the whole earth!”
Monday, December 26. I rode down to Stockbridge, but was very much fatigued with my journey, wherein I underwent great hardship: being very wet by falling into a river. I spent the day without much sense of divine things; but perplexed with wandering thoughts.
Thursday, December 29. I spent the day mainly in conversing with friends; yet enjoyed little satisfaction, because I could find but few disposed to converse of heavenly things. Alas what are the things of this world, to afford satisfaction to the soul!——I blessed God for retirement, and that I am not always exposed to company. O that I could live “in the secret of God’s presence!”
Friday, December 30. I was in a solemn devout frame and wondered that earth with all its charms, should ever allure me in the least degree. O that I could always realize the being and holiness of God!
Saturday, December 31. I rode from Stockbridge home: the air was clear and calm, but as cold as ever I felt it. I was in great danger of perishing by the extremity of the season.
Lord’s-day, January 1, 1743–4. Of a truth God has been gracious to me the past year, though he has caused me to pass through many sorrows; he has provided for me bountifully, so that I have been enabled in about fifteen month’s past, to bestow to charitable uses about an hundred pounds. Blessed be the Lord, that has so far used me as his steward to distribute a portion of his goods. May I always remember, that all I have comes from God. Blessed be the Lord, that has carried me through all the toils, fatigues, and hardships of the year past. O that I could begin this year with God, and spend the whole of it to his glory, either in life or death!
Tuesday, January 3. My time passes away so swiftly, that I am astonished when I reflect how little I do in it. My state of solitude does not make the hours hang heavy upon my hands. O what reason of thankfulness have I on account of this retirement! I do not, and it seems I cannot, lead a Christian life when I am abroad, and cannot spend time in devotion, Christian conversation, and meditation. Those weeks that I am obliged to be from home, in order to learn the Indian tongue, are mostly spent in barrenness. When I return home, and give myself to meditation, prayer, and fasting, a new scene opens, and my soul longs for mortification, self-denial, humility, and divorcement from all the things of the world.