Saturday 4. I continued much in the same state as the day before. In the evening Mr. R——s preached on Lamentations iii. 22. It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. Had it not been for this, Lord where should I and all the rebellious sons of Adam, have been at this day?
*Monday 6. I found my mind in a serious frame, but it is seldom that it continues. O that God would make me more stable, that I may not be like the sea continually fluctuating, and driven about with every wind of temptation: but like the sun which constantly rises and sets at the appointed times, and never fails to bring a regular succession of day and night, according to the command of that God who made him, when he sent him forth with a commission to rule the day, and to be for signs, and for seasons, for days, and for years.
Tuesday 7. This day I found great enlargement in prayer, which made me perform that duty with much pleasure: but when my soul is dead, it is a most burthensome task.
Thursday 9. I went to chapel. Mr. R——s preached on Psalms xxxiv. 14. Seek peace and ensue it. The sermon was tedious, and I so cold, that I was quite tired under it, and found myself growing impatient. O how soon am I tired of what is good! The world are not so soon weary at the play-house, or in the ball-room, as I am in God’s house, and under his word. Truly the children of this world, are wiser in their generation, than the children of light.
Friday 10. I was oppressed all this day, with that tormenting passion, the fear of death, in so much that I had not comfort in any thing. I was overwhelmed in an instant with such horror and dread, as plainly told me I was unfit to die; unfit to appear before the awful judge of quick and dead. O my God, do thou give me the pardon of my sins, and remove this bondage, (the fear of death) from my conscience! Lord prepare me, make me meet to see thy face.
Saturday 11. At night Mr. M——s made an excellent discourse upon the barren fig-tree. I fear this character belongs to me. O may I at last bear fruit!
Tuesday 14. This, as well as the three following days, my soul seemed to be much in earnest, and pressing forward after the blessing; and altho’ I was much tempted on Friday to anger, yet I found power to resist it, and also great enlargement in praying for faith. O how gracious is God! Lord make me truly thankful for thy numberless mercies bestowed on me, the unworthiest worm thy hands have made! My uncle preached on Isaiah xix. If ye be willing and obedient, ye shall eat the good of the land. He said many people were willing enough to be saved, but few were willing to be saved in God’s way, which was to confess and forsake sin, and turn to God, by using all the means which he has appointed. But I think God has brought me so far, as to make me truly willing to be saved in his own way; and were it possible to be saved in sin, I had rather be saved from it. For heaven would be no heaven to me, while pride, anger, and self-will have possession of my breast; wherefore Lord, deliver me from the guilt and power of these things now, and finally deliver me from the in-being of them.
Saturday 18. I still found my desires after God very earnest, and was much enlarged in wrestling for the blessing, both in private prayer, and under the word. In the evening, while Mr. M——e was discoursing on these words, Let him that nameth the name of Christ depart from iniquity, 2 Timothy ii. 19. I found much enlargement in private prayer. In the afternoon I was admitted to meet in band, which I found blest to me, and trust to find it so constantly, as I shall, if it is not my own fault.
Monday 20. I did not find my soul so much alive this day, as I did all last week. O what a changeable creature am I? Never, never, at one stay. Lord strengthen, settle, and stablish me.
Tuesday 21. Blessed be God, he sought me even when I was straying from him, and did not suffer me long to continue in a lukewarm state. This day he gave me back that wrestling spirit which I had lost the day before. I can say my soul is a thirst for God, even for the living God. I am willing, yea, Lord, I am desirous, to forsake all my sins, and to return unto thee. O my God, make me in earnest, and take me for thy child. Keep me, keep me, gracious Lord, and never let me go.