Sunday 16. This week as well as the former I have found my heart as cold, dead, and hard as it was possible; nor even has it been broke or softened while waiting upon the Lord either in private prayer, or under the word. On Friday evening at the watch-night, I found my mind very wandering, but towards the latter end it was more composed, and I really believe the Lord waited to be gracious to me, but my unbelieving heart put the blessing away, by thinking I was not worthy! O my God, when shall I be worthy?
Sunday 23. I found my heart greatly melted in the afternoon while I was meeting my band, and at some liberty afterwards in private prayer, but my old companion coldness returned in the evening.
Thursday 27. As we were going to chapel this evening, a parcel of genteel well-dressed boys set upon us, throwing dirt in such a manner as almost blinded us, and hallowing and hooting after us. O what enmity is in the heart of man against every thing that is good even when children? O how gracious has God been to me, that I have never been taught to despise and treat any person ill, either on account of any natural infirmities, or of the religion they profess; but from my earliest infancy have I been trained up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord: how will this enhance my condemnation, if I make not a right use of these privileges!
Friday 28. Being Good-Friday, I spent more time than usual in reading and prayer, in which duty I found my soul very much blest and enlarged.
Wednesday, April 2. The Rev. Mr. Wesley gave us his company to tea, and afterwards preached on Romans viii. 33, 34. I found my mind very wandering. The next evening he preached again on John v. 8, 9. Jesus saith unto him, rise take up thy bed and walk. I found a blessing this evening though I sought it not as I ought. O what a good God is ours!
Friday 4. This day I was very light and trifling; but in the afternoon the Lord was again pleased to stir me up, by the means of our maid, who this day found the Lord in communicating with a sick woman. O my God, what a slow progress do I make? Others find Jesus, but alas! for me, I find him not. I was also much blest in the evening while Mr. Wesley was preaching on these words, John xvii. 3. This is eternal life, &c.
Saturday 5. I set apart this day, in order to seek the Lord by prayer and meditation; and although I did not find him, so as to enable me to rejoice in him, as a pardoning God, yet I found him enlarging my heart in prayer, enabling me to plead his promises, and to cry to him for mercy, without which I clearly see I am undone for ever. “I give up every plea beside, Lord I am damned, but Christ has died.” Lord, thou hast said, I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance. I am then one thou camest to save. O save me for thy mercy’s sake!
“No need of thee the righteous have,
Thou cam’st the lost to seek and save.”
I found the word very sweet in the evening while Mr. Wesley was inforcing the words, Matthew ix. 5. Whether is it easier to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee? Or to say, Arise and walk?