Tuesday 24. All this week I have been in a very disagreeable frame, being neither in earnest for my soul, nor quite forgetful of it. I have been constant in private duties, tho’ I am often fearful that I am only drawing nigh to God with my lips; but on Saturday, my soul was much blest under Mr. R——’s preaching: his text was in Romans viii. 17, 18. And if children then heirs, &c. My desires were exceedingly earnest to be made a partaker of those glorious privileges of the sons of God. O Lord, when shall I be one of thy children?
Sunday 29. In the morning Mr. R——’s text was in Romans viii. 32. He that spared not his own son, &c. O these encouraging, these heart reviving words! Why, O my soul art thou so backward to believe the promises of God? Surely he is not a man, that can deceive thee. O then believe the record true. Then, and not till then, shalt thou experience real happiness.
Monday, July 7. All this week my soul has been cold and dead, and I (to my shame and grief) have been too negligent in private duties. How truly may it be said the way of sin is down hill? I was hindered from prayer one day at my usual hour, and almost every day afterwards, something happened just at that time to keep me from that duty. I observe that if I neglect it one day, I am sure to do the same for several days running. Lord, help me to be watchful, seeing my subtle adversary is ever watching to betray me into sin, either of omission or commission.
Sunday 13. I found a small degree of life in private prayer, which was the only duty I was quickened in this day. Lord help me out of this stupid state! On Thursday evening my uncle preached on Matthew xiii. 46. Who when he had found one pearl of great price, &c. O that the Lord would enable me instantly to part with all, and purchase this pearl! All this week my soul has been in the same lukewarm state, and yet generally quickened in private prayer, especially one evening I had such a discovery of the love of God to sinners, that I was almost enabled to believe he died for me.
Sunday 20. This morning Mr. M—— gave us a sweet discourse on 2 Peter i. 4. Whereby are given unto us exceeding great promises, &c. I found my soul blest under it, and afterwards at the sacrament in St. John’s church, blessed be God.
Monday 21. I was too neglectful of private duty this day, and therefore ’tis no wonder if my soul was dry and barren in other duties. While we were at preaching in the evening, my dear friend Miss D—— arrived from Ireland. I was much rejoiced to see her, and she seemed to be so at seeing me. May we all at last meet round our Father’s throne!
Friday 25. In the afternoon we walked to Crislington; and went to see the rector’s garden, who is for ever altering it. After being at great expence to have it done to his mind, still it does not please him. O how restless is the mind of man! Ever seeking after rest, he cannot find it nigh, nor ever will, till he finds it in Jesus.
Friday, August 1. The state of my soul this week has been much as usual. O that the Lord would stir me up! That he would make me in earnest, and then I should soon attain the prize. I shall one day perish by the hand of sin, unless a miracle of mercy interpose. Lord, save or I perish! Save, or I must inevitably fall a prey to the evil that lies in this rebellious heart.
Sunday 3. I found myself much encouraged while Mr. G——k was describing the rest that remained to those who were seekers after God, that I might include myself in that number; but I sometimes fear, even this appellation does not belong to me. Lord, suffer me not to deceive myself for thy mercy’s sake.
Tuesday 5. My poor heart still continued dead; no life, no power in drawing near to God. Still my soul is as a barren wilderness. Lord, water me with the dew of thy grace, then the wilderness will become a fruitful land, and the desert, springs of water.