Your wife and children never look so well tew you, az in a "shillin a yard."
If spoken ov for offiss, take notiss ov this or that growin evil; suggest no plan; wear a careful plaster over your mouth, and talk about the capasity and integrity of yure opponent—if beaten, praze the right ov suffrage, publickly, but dam the whole plan, privately, as mutch az you are a mind to.
If you would borry a sum ov munny, ask for it as you would for a yesterday's nuzpaper.
If invited tew dinner—hessitate, but yield upon reflekshun, remarkin, "that yure own table is provided with oysters, and needs no carver."
Make az menny frends as you kan—never, but as a last resort, use one.
Always sing, for thus you may get the envy ov the world, while yure tears would seek in vain for their pity.
Live in the world az one ov its most familyer people, but really hav but little to do with it.
Never argu, and never be convinced.
But chiefly, never want ennything; for thus you giv tung tew yure poverty.
Menny a man haz died rich, and ben kalled wize, by simply holding hiz tung.