New York, 1873. Josh Billings.

TABLE OV KONTENTS.

Page.
1[Kontentment]33
2[Marriage]36
3[Fashion’s Prayer]38
4[The Bizzy Body]40
5[Fastidiousness]42
6[Love]43
7[Fear]44
8[Buty]45
9[Faith]46
10[Branes]47
11[Spring and Biles]48
12[Tight Boots]50
13[The Lam and the Dove]52
14[The Duv]55
15[The Old Bachelor]57
16[Horns]59
17[Kissing]62
18[About Pharming]65
19[Questions and Answers]68
20[Whissling]69
21[Hotels]72
22[Laffing]75
23[Hoss Sense]78
24[Silence]79
25[Bravery]80
26[Dispatch]81
27[Pik out a Wife]82
28[Watermellons]83
29[Pik out a Dog]84
30[Pik out a Kat]86
31[Lost Arts]86
32[To Comik Lekturers]89
33[Fashion]92
34[Fun]93
35[Fret]94
36[Fury]94
37[Fits]95
38[Fuss]95
39[Fellow]96
40[Flunkey]96
41[Finis]96
42[Nu Foundland and Tarrier]97
43[The Rat Tarrier]99
44[The Monkey]100
45[The Pissmire]103
46[The Pole Kat]104
47[The Weazel]105
48[Angle Worms]107
49[The Mouse]108
50[The Yaller Dog]110
51[Roosters]113
52[The Fox]115
53[Aunt and Grasshopper]118
54[A Hen]120
55[The Gote]124
viii 56[Goose Talk]126
57[The Clam]128
58[Snails]128
59[Striped Snake]129
60[Babys]130
61[The Crab]132
62[Essa on Swine]132
63[Cat and Kangaroo]133
64[The Codfish]136
65[The Mackrel]137
66[The Pollywogg]137
67[The Bull Head]138
68[Mudturkles]139
69[The Fly]140
70[The Crow]143
71[The Bumble Bee]144
72[The Robbing]145
73[The Swallo]146
74[The Bat]146
75[The Hawk]147
76[The Meddo Mole]148
77[The Possum]149
78[The Cursid Musketo]151
79[The Hornet]154
80[The Rabbit]157
81[The Poodle]158
82[The Patridge]159
83[The Snipe]160
84[The Cockroach]160
85[The Mule]163
86[Bed Bugs]164
87[The Flea]165
88[Not enny Shanghi]166
89[The Aunt]169
90[The Adder]172
91[The Striped Snaik]172
92[The Blue Racer]174
93[The Blak Snaik]174
94[The Milk Snaik]175
95[Raccoon and Pettyfogger]176
96[The Duk]179
97[The Turkey]180
98[The Hosstritch]181
99[The Parrot]182
100[The Bobalink]182
101[The Eagle]183
102[Natral History]183
103[Kats]186
104[The Hum Bugg]187
105[The Bugg Bear]189
106[The Game Chicken]190
107[The Duk]190
108[Sandy Hill Crane]192
109[The Rattlesnaix]193
110[The Hoop Snaik]194
111[The Anakondy]195
112[The Garter Snaix]195
113[The Eel Snaik]196
114[See Sarpent Snaix]196
115[Kopper-hed Snaix]197
116[The Blujay]198
117[The Quail]199
118[The Patridge]199
119[The Woodkok]200
120[The Guina Hen]200
121[The Goslin]201
122[The Grub]202
123[The Lady Bug]203
124[The Tree-Tud]204
125[The Porkupine]204
126[Devil’s Darning Needle]205
127[Ramrods]206
128[Lobstir Sallad]209
129[Mollassis Kandy]211
130[Puddin & Milk]215
131[Plum Pits]217
132[Chips]221
133[Koarse Shot]223
134[Slips of the Pen]226
135[Glass Dimonds]228
136[Jews Harps]231
137[Tadpoles]233
138[Pepper Pods]237
139[Hooks & Eyes]240
140[Jaw Bones]244
141[Ods and Ens]245
142[Fust Impreshuns]249
143[Plum Pits]252
ix 144[Gnats]255
145[Kindling Wood]256
146[Phish Bawls]260
147[Stray Children]264
148[Ink Brats]269
149[Lightning Bugs]272
150[Parboils]275
151[Nest Eggs]277
152[Chicken Feed]280
153[Hard Tack]283
154[Sollum Thoughts]286
155[Ink Lings]288
156[Embers on the Harth]292
157[Hot Korn]294
158[Foundlings]298
159[Dried Fruit]300
160[Remnants]301
161[Remarks]303
162[Saws]306
163[Remarks]309
164[Nosegays]311
165[Shooting Stars]316
166[The Interviewer]320
167[The Musk Rat]322
168[The Mink]323
169[Distrikt Schoolmaster]324
170[The Pompous Man]326
171[The One Idea Man]327
172[The Happy Man]327
173[The Henpecked Man]328
174[The Officious Man]328
175[The Phunny Man]329
176[The Cheeky Man]329
177[The Live Man]330
178[The Fault-Finder]331
179[The Border Injun]332
180[The Cunning Man]336
181[The Loafer]341
182[The Projektor]342
183[The Kondem Phool]343
[The Precise Man]344
184[The Obtuse Man]345
185[The Posatiff Man]346
186[The Cross Man]347
187[The Pashunt Man]347
188[The Funny Man]347
189[The Honest Man]348
190[The Square Man]348
191[The Oblong Man]349
192[The Perpindiklar Man]350
193[The Limber Man]350
194[The Jolly Man]350
195[The Pewter Man]351
196[The Fiteing Man]351
197[The Precise Man]352
198[Coquett and Prude]353
199[The Effeminate Man]356
200[The Jealous Man]357
201[The Anonymous Man]357
202[The Stiff Man]357
203[The Model Man]358
204[The Neat Person]359
205[John Bascomb]361
206[Elizibeth Meachem]364
207[Good Rezolushuns]366
208[My Fust Gong]369
209[Korn]370
210[Advertizement]372
211[Tew Lectur Kommittys]373
212[Letter to Farmers]376
213[A Tempranse Klub]377
214[The Proverbial Pig]380
215[Sowing Sosiety Address]381
216[The Fust Baby]383
217[Billings under Oath]383
218[At Niagara Falls]386
219[Negro and Trout]390
220[Dandy and Thimble-Rigger]393
221[Long Branch]396
222[Billiards]400
223[Habits of Grate Men]401
224[Insures his Life]403
225[Tew pick out a Hoss]404
226[Agrikultural Hoss-Trott]407
227[Oats]409
228[Pashunce ov Job]413
229[The Game of Yewker]415
230[Beer]416
231[Laughing]418
x 232[The Advent No. 2.]419
233[Questions and Answers]422
234[Saratoga and Lake George]424
235[Sum Vegetabel History]428
236[New Ashford]428
237[Bends]432
238[Koliding]434
239[At Short Range]438
240[Beau Bennet]440
241[To Male Young Men]442
242[Female Remarks]445
243[Private Opinyuns]447
244[On Courting]451
245[Nuzepaper Tatlings]452
246[Mounts a Velocipede]456
247[The Rase Koarse]458
248[Billings Lexicon]462
249[Owly]465
250[Pordunk Village]468
251[4 Letters]472
252[Settles with Correspondents]475
253[A Loose Epistle]477
254[Short Replys]480
255[Wimmins Rights]483
256[Dog Talk]487
258[Short but Sweet]490
259[Josh Replies]494
260[Hair Oil Man]497
261[The Gassy Man]500
262[The Sharp Man]501
263[The Lazy Man]502
264[The Nervous Man]502
265[The Dignified Man]503
266[The Weak Man]504

THE END.

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.

Page.
1[Steel Portrait]1
2Darwin & Whiskey11
3Essays33
4[Perfectly Satisfied]34
5[Fashuns Prayer]40
6[Fastidiousness]43
7[Biles]50
8[The Lam & Duv]54
9[In a horn]60
10Connubial Bliss64
11[Horace Greeley]65
12[Whissling]70
13[An Oration]78
14[Esops Jackass]83
15[Comik Lekture]90
16[Fuss & Feathers]93
17Animated Natur97
18[A newfoundland Dog]98
19[The Pole Kat]104
20[A Yaller Dog]111
21[A Sly Fox]117
22[A phool of a hen]123
23[Goose talk]127
24[Spice-box]129
25[Cat and Kangaroo]134
26Annimated Natur136
27[The Fly]140
28[A nightmare]145
29[The Musketo]152
30[The Rabbit]157
31[The Mule]163
32[The Shanghi]167
33[Snaix]173
34Publik Institutions174
35[Feathered ones]179
36[Kats]186
37[The Game Chicken]190
38[More Snaix]194
39[The Blujay]198
40[Vermin]203
41Affurisms206
42[Ramrods]207
43[Molasis Kandy]212
44[Christmas Pie]218
45[Koarse Shot]223
46[Glass Dimonds]229
47[Tadpoles]234
48[Hooks & Eyes]241
49A Musical Duett244
50[Odds & Ends]246
51[First Impressions]249
52[Voting]253
xii 53[The World on fire]257
54[Stray Children]264
55[Lightning bugs]272
56[Nest Eggs]278
58[Hard tack]284
59[Ink-lings]289
60[Hot Korn]295
61[Remnants]302
62[Saws]306
63[Nosegays]312
64[Shooting stars]317
66[The Interviewer]321
67[The Yankee]327
68[Spinsters]332
69[Injuns]335
70[Frequent Kritters]341
71[Peculiar ones]349
72[Coquet & prude]354
73[The neat Person]360
74[John Bascomb]362
76[Good Rezolushuns]367
77[Korns]371
78[Lektur Committees]374
79[Temperance Klub]378
80[Pordunk Sowing Society]382
81[A Bookeeper]384
82[Takes a drink]392
83[At Long Branch]397
84[Grate men]401
86[The Hoss]405
87[A hoss-laff]410
88[Mi Washerwoman]414
89[Beer]417
90[Science]420
91[Long Branch]425
92[Tadpoles]431
93[Tew late]435
95[Skating akcident]437
96[At Prayers]441
97[Tew mutch whiskey]443
98[Private opinions]448
99[Latest news]453
100[The Races]459
101[Spinning Yarns]466
102[Pordunk Churchyard]469
103To Correspondents472
104[Letter boxes]473
105[Hiz Washerwoman]478
106[Wimmins Rongs]483
107[Meeting a Bear]488
108[Among Beasts]490
109[Hotel Porter]494
113[A Domestik Scene]498
124[Democratic Orator]500
129[Suicide]504

BIOGRAPHICAL INTRODUCTION.
ADAPTED FROM THE LONDON EDITION.

In the United States of America a “show” is the generic name comprising every description of entertainment, being equally applied to an equestrian performance, a dramatic company, an operatic concert, a political oration, or a lecture on the geology of the oil district of Pennsylvania. A few years ago, when I did not know America quite so well as I do now, I was asked by Mr. Barnum to meet him on a matter of business at his celebrated Museum on Broadway. Every one who has visited New York and called in at that strangely-jumbled exhibition, will remember a small room on the first landing, with “Mr. Barnum—Private” painted on the door. I don’t know whether any show-case in the Museum was as attractive to the crowds of country visitors as that little room proved to be. Though privacy was written on the post, publicity was ever peeping in at the door. Shrewd, astute, and rusé as Barnum is, none knew better than he that the greatest object of interest in the Museum was himself. Hence he arranged to have his private room immediately in front of the public xiv staircase, with the door always a little open, to pique curiosity, unless really important business required absolute seclusion. In this room, or rather in this glass-case, for its three sides were of glass, like the cases containing the wax-figures and the stuffed animals, Barnum and I met. He conversed about different speculations he had on hand, and various ideas which he wished to carry out. Some of them were very characteristic of the man and his spirit of enterprise. One, was to organize an expedition to the mouth of Davis’s Straits at the proper season, select a very large iceberg, bring it down in the tow of two or three steamers to New York Bay, put a floating fence around it, exhibit the iceberg at twenty-five cents admission, and realize a large profit by making and vending sherry cobblers with ice from the real iceberg! Another idea suggested by the man of many shows was to get the American Minister at the Court of Constantinople to apply to the Sultan for a firman to permit Barnum or his agent to visit the mosque at Hebron, traditionally asserted to be built over the Cave of Machpelah, in which the remains of the patriarchs were buried. “If we could only get the remains of Abraham and bring them to New York!” exclaimed the deus ex machinâ of the Museum, rubbing his hands with delight at the ingenuity of the thought. Then, after a moment’s reflection, and knowing me to be well acquainted with England, he remarked, inquiringly, “What do you think of Spurgeon for a show? Could he be got over here?” To me unused as I then was to American xv can manners, the association of a clergyman with Bartlemy Fair and Barnum’s Museum seemed ludicrously incongruous. Subsequently my experience taught me to believe that some of the preachers of the United States look at their position from the same point of view as did Mr. Barnum in wishing to speculate in Spurgeon.

A “showman,” as well as an author, Josh Billings is now regarded in the cities of the Union. In England we would style him a facetious lecturer, but the lecturing business in America is carried out with all the arts, formulæ and appurtenances of showmanship. There are the large posters, the puff advertisements, the agent in advance, and the lithographs plain or colored, all brought into requisition. It is quite true that if Charles Dickens visited Manchester or Birmingham to read “Doctor Marigold” or “The Christmas Carol,” he also had his agent and his yellow window-bills with the black and red printing; but the window-bill is limited to a size and is printed in a style fitting to the superior class of entertainment; while, in America, the posters of the popular lecturer are as showy and as exciting as those of Van Amburgh with his wild beasts, or the Hanlon Brothers with their feats on the trapeze. Quaintness, however, is an essential requisite in the placard of the facetious lecturer. Artemus Ward used to announce in large letters on the walls that he would “Speak a Piece” at a certain place and on a certain date. Josh Billings announces in a still more mystic manner, strongly reminding the observer xvi of Ruskin’s bizarre, grotesque, enigmatical titles. I have before me, as I write, a printed notice which reads thus:—

“ALLYN HALL, HARTFORD.
JOSH BILLINGS,
On the 7th,
With his
HOBBY HORSE.”