I will stop bi saying that it iz a darn sight eazier tew write too mutch than it iz too little, and awl comik attempts, must be quick tew win, for folks wont bear but little phooling at once on enny subjik, and i say bully for you, folks.
BEAU BENNET’S SUPPLIKASHUN.
Kind Fortune, teach thi servant humility, but let no sneak ov an upstart outshine him in things that are stylish.
Giv unto me morality copious; and may mi shirt kollars be stiffer than china and whiter than snoballs in winter.
Smile, thou goddess dear, at mi mustash, and may mi wisdum be grate—even like unto Solaman’s.
Grant that i may a pattern be, worthy ov all imitashun, and that i able may be to wear a boot number 5 on these number 10 feet ov mine.
Fill up mi kup tew the brim’s verry top with honor and honesty, and make mi neckties mine enemies tew smite with sorrow and silent confushion.
Take away from me all vanity, but grant that mi Sunday panterloons may fit me, even az korn fitteth the kob.
Remove far from me, O gentle Fortune! all pride and vain ostentashun, but grant that mi name amung wimmin may ever be spoken in acksents of gladness.