et in conviviis est liberior quam fuit. Vincere incipit timorem dolor, sed ita, ut omnia sint plenissima desperationis. Habet etiam Campana lex exsecrationem candidatorum, si mentionem in contione fecerint, quo aliter ager possideatur atque ut ex legibus Iuliis. Non dubitant iurare ceteri; Laterensis existimatur laute fecisse, quod tribunatum pl. petere destitit, ne iuraret.
Sed de re publica non libet plura scribere. Displiceo mihi nec sine summo scribo dolore. Me tueor ut oppressis omnibus non demisse, ut tantis rebus gestis parum fortiter. A Caesare valde liberaliter invitor in legationem illam, sibi ut sim legatus, atque etiam libera legatio voti causa datur. Sed haec et praesidii apud pudorem Pulchelli non habet satis et a fratris adventu me ablegat, illa et munitior est et non impedit, quo minus adsim, cum velim. Hanc ego teneo, sed usurum me non puto, neque tamen scit quisquam. Non lubet fugere, aveo pugnare. Magna sunt hominum studia. Sed nihil adfirmo; tu hoc silebis.
De Statio manu misso et non nullis aliis rebus angor equidem, sed iam prorsus occallui. Tu vellem
cups. Disgust is beginning to conquer fear, though it still leaves the blankest despair everywhere. The Campanian law goes so far as to impose upon candidates a formula of execration upon themselves if they propose any different occupation of the land to that laid down by the Julian laws, to be used by them in their speech as candidates. The others showed no compunction in taking the oath: but Laterensis is thought a hero because he threw up his candidature for the tribunate rather than take it.
I have no heart to write more about politics. I am disgusted with myself and it is agony to me to write. I stand my ground without losing self-respect considering the universal servility, but with less courage than I could wish considering my past record. Caesar most liberally invites me to take a place on his personal staff: and I even have an offer of a free travelling pass nominally to fulfil a vow.[[81]] But it is hardly safe to trust to that Beauty’s delicacy to that extent. Besides it would mean that I should not be here for my brother’s return. The other post is much safer, and does not prevent me from being here when I wish. The free pass I have, but I don’t think I shall use it. No one knows of it however. I don’t want to run away; I long to fight. I have plenty of ardent admirers. But I won’t take my oath on anything, and please don’t mention what I’ve said.
I am much distressed about the manumission of Statius and some other things, but I’ve become thick-skinned by now. I wish you were here, I long for
[81]. The libera legatio was a pseudo-embassy at state expense, granted to senators who wished to pay a vow, receive an inheritance, or exact a debt.
ego vel cuperem adesses; nec mihi consilium nec consolatio deesset. Sed ita te para, ut, si inclamaro, advoles.
XIX
CICERO ATTICO SAL.
Scr. Romae m. Quint. a. 695