I am even more troubled by inflammation of the eyes than I was before. Still I prefer to dictate this letter, rather than let Gallus Fadius, who has a sincere regard for us both, have no letter to give you. Yesterday I wrote myself to the best of my ability a letter containing prognostications, which I hope may prove false. One excuse for the present missive is my desire to let no day pass without communicating with you, but there is a still more reasonable excuse, to beg you to devote a little time to my case, and, as it will be a short business, I hope you will explain your view thoroughly and make it quite intelligible to me.
I have not committed myself at all. There has been no omission on my part for which I cannot give not merely a plausible but a reasonable excuse. Assuredly I was not guilty of any fault, when, to avoid
imparatam Capuam non solum ignaviae dedecus, sed etiam perfidiae suspicionem fugiens accipere nolui, neque cum post condiciones pacis per L. Caesarem et L. Fabatum allatas cavi, ne animum eius offenderem, cui Pompeius iam armatus armato consulatum triumphumque deferret. Nec vero haec extrema quisquam potest iure reprehendere, quod mare non transierim. Id enim, etsi erat deliberationis, tamen obire non potui. Neque enim suspicari debui, praesertim cum ex ipsius Pompei litteris, idem quod video te existimasse, non dubitarim, quin is Domitio subventurus esset, et plane, quid rectum et quid faciendum mihi esset, diutius cogitare malui.
Primum igitur, haec qualia tibi esse videantur, etsi significata sunt a te, tamen accuratius mihi perscribas velim, deinde aliquid etiam in posterum prospicias fingasque, quem me esse deceat, et ubi me plurimum prodesse rei publicae sentias, ecquae pacifica persona desideretur an in bellatore sint omnia.
Atque ego, qui omnia officio metior, recordor tamen tua consilia; quibus si paruissem, tristitiam illorum temporum non subissem. Memini, quid mihi tum suaseris per Theophanem, per Culleonem, idque saepe ingemiscens sum recordatus. Quare nunc saltem ad illos calculos revertamur, quos tum abiecimus, ut non solum gloriosis consiliis utamur, sed etiam paulo salubrioribus. Sed nihil praescribo; accurate velim perscribas tuam ad me sententiam. Volo etiam exquiras, quam diligentissime poteris
blame for cowardice and the charge of treachery to boot, I refused to take over Capua in its unprepared state. Nor am I to blame, when, after L. Caesar and L. Fabatus had brought terms of peace, I took precautions not to incur the enmity of a man to whom Pompey was offering the consulship and a triumph, when both were under arms. Finally I cannot rightly be called to account for not crossing the sea: for, though that was a course which was worthy of consideration, still I could not keep Pompey's appointment. Nor could I guess his policy, especially as from his own letter, as I see you inferred, I had no idea that he would fail to relieve Domitius. And certainly I wanted time to consider what was right and what I ought to do.
Firstly, then, I wish you would write me a careful account of your views, though you have already outlined them, and secondly that you would glance at the future, and give me an idea of what course you think would become me, where you suppose I can serve the state best, and whether the part of a man of peace is required at all, or whether everything depends on a fighter.
And I, who test everything by the standard of duty, yet remember your advice. Had I followed it, I should have been saved from the wretchedness of that crisis in my life. I call to mind the counsel you sent me then by Theophanes and Culleo, and the memory of it often makes me groan. So let me now at last go over the old reckoning which then I cast aside, to the end that I may follow a plan, which has in view not only glory, but also some measure of safety. However, I make no conditions: please give me your candid opinion. And please use your best energies to