The American Gentleman's Guide to Politeness and Fashion / or, Familiar Letters to his Nephews

by Margaret C. Conkling

On this, as in the instance of all similar occasions, tact and good-taste must suggest the variations of manner required by the greater or less degree of ceremony prevailing, and your individual relations to those you visit.

In this connection I will add that a card may sometimes be properly made a substitute for paying one's respects in person—with a pencilled phrase of politeness, or accompanied by a note. In either case, an envelope of the most unexceptionable kind should be used, and a note written with equal attention to ceremony.

A Visit of Condolence is often most tastefully made by going in person to the residence of your friend, and leaving a courteous message, and your card, with a servant. Much politeness is sometimes expressed by the earliest possible call upon friends just arrived from a journey, etc., or by leaving or sending a card, with a pencilled expression of pleasure, and of the intention of availing yourself of the first suitable moment for paying your compliments in person.

Visits upon New-Year's Day should be short, as a rule, for the reasons before suggested, and it is not usual to sit down, except when old friends urge it, or when the presence of an elderly person, or an invalid, demands the appearance of peculiar consideration.

On all occasions of ceremonious intercourse with superiors in age and station, one or both, manner should be regulated, as respects familiarity, or even cordiality, by them. "He approached me with familiarity, I repulsed him with ceremony," said a man of rank, alluding to an impertinence of this kind. Never be the first, under such circumstances, to violate the strict rules of convention. Their observance is often the safeguard of sensibility, as well as of self-respect.

Simple good-taste will dictate the most quiet, unnoticeable bearing at Church. The saying of the celebrated Mrs. Chapone, that "it was part of her religion not to disturb the religion of others," is all inclusive. To enter early enough to be fully established in one's seat before the service commences, to attend politely, but very unostentatiously, to the little courtesies that may render others comfortable, to avoid all rude staring, and all appearance of inattention to the proper occupations of the occasion, as well as every semblance of irreverence, will occur to all well-bred persons as obviously required by decorum. When necessitated to go late to church, one should, as on all similar occasions, endeavor to disturb others as little as possible; but with equal studiousness avoid the vulgar exhibition of discomposure, of over-diffidence, or of any consciousness, indeed, of being observed, which so unmistakably savors of low-breeding. I cannot too frequently remind you that self-possession is one of the grand distinctive attributes of a gentleman, and that it is often best illustrated by a simple, quiet, successful manner of meeting the exigencies and peculiarities of circumstances.

Never wear your hat into church. Remove it in the vestibule, and on no account resume it until you return thither, unless health imperatively demands your doing so just before reaching the door opening into it.

All nodding, whispering, and exchanging of glances in church, is in bad taste. Even the latter should not be indulged in, unless a very charming woman is the provoking cause of the peccadillo, and then very stealthily and circumspectly!

Salutations, even with intimate friends, should always be very quietly exchanged, while one is still within the body of the sacred edifice, and the "outer court" of the house of God were better not the scene of boisterous mirth, or rude jostling. Let me add, here, that it is always proper, when compelled to hurry past those of right before you, at church, or elsewhere in a crowd, to apologize, briefly, but politely, for discommoding any one.

Whenever you are in attendance upon ladies, as at the opera, concerts, lectures, etc., there is entire propriety in remaining with them in the seat you have paid for, or secured by early attendance. No gentleman should be expected to separate himself from a party to give his place to a lady under such circumstances, and in no country but ours would such a request or intimation be made. But while it is quite justifiable to retain the seat taken upon entering such a public place, nothing is more wholly inadmissible than crowding in and out of your place repeatedly, talking and laughing aloud, mistimed applauding, and the like. If you are not present for the simple purpose of witnessing the performance, whatever it may be, there are, doubtless, those who are; and it is not only exceedingly vulgar, but immoral, to invade their rights in this regard. Be careful, therefore, to secure your libretto, concert-bill, or programme, as the case may be, before assuming your seat; and when you have ladies with you, or are one of a party, especially, as then you cannot so readily accept the penalty of carelessness, by not returning to your first seat. Should any unforeseen necessity compel you to crowd past others, and afterwards resume your seat, presume as little as possible upon their polite forbearance, by great care of dresses, toes, etc., and each time politely apologize for the inconvenience you occasion. Let me repeat that no excuse exists for the too-frequent rudeness of disturbing others by fidgeting, whispering, laughing, or applauding out of time. And even when standing or moving about between the exercises, on any public occasion, or the acts at a play-house, or opera, well-bred people are never disregardful of the rights and comfort of others.