"How long in worldly circles must hesitating affection wait ere love presses the seal of the first kiss upon it in token of acquiescence? But this woman had already first occupied my inmost emotions before I approached her under the eyes of the saints; now she came towards me with open arms, with the pious greeting of love, for which, with worldly affection, I might long have striven. Must not this intoxicate me, and kindle an unknown ardour within my soul?
"Certainly Frau Salden did not share it; she only cherished sisterly feelings for me, yes, I might almost say maternal; distantly and coldly, she commenced an extensive examination of my inner nature.
"The bright smile had vanished from her lips; even the gaze of her large eyes was proud and stern. An incomprehensible contradiction, and a something almost solemnly strange, lay in such close intimacy. I stood her examination with calmness and without reserve, for pride stirred itself within me, and I would not recognise the superiority that she assumed. Nevertheless, I drew an immediate advantage from my position towards the select community, and begged for permission to visit her, which she readily granted.
"She lived in the east suburb, in a couple of cosy rooms, elegantly furnished. The one seemed to be dedicated to pious reflections. A large book-shelf contained the works of our poets and thinkers, at the same time a large number of religious writings. The walls were covered with representations of Christ, as well as with pictures of the prophet and the preacher, which hung on a level, as it seemed, accurately measured line with His.
"On a lectern lay a magnificently bound Bible with a golden cross upon the cover; above it on the wall hung a copy of Correggio's Magdalene. The windows opened towards the river and the green meadows, which there enframed its bed; farther off, two solitary windmills moved their wings in wearisome regularity.
"The front room was of a more worldly character; in the one corner stood a small doll's room, and other girlish playthings, but the little bird had always flown from its nest at the hour when I usually came; it was the time when with her governess, she went down to the next story to her favourite playfellow. Beside it upon a writing table lay account books, which I immediately recognised as such; a later communication from Frau Salden confirmed my idea that they were the accounts of the management of her estate; she possessed a small property, which she only occupied during a short period in the summer, as a lengthy separation from the community would have been too great a trial for her.
"All this still stands so vividly before my mind, that I could paint those two rooms down to the veriest trifle, ebony table and chair, every picture on the wall; for who would ever forget the stage on which such important events were acted, and just now I feel an urgent need to bury myself in these recollections, and ah! that little doll's room to-day fills me with mournful emotion, yes with silent despair.
"I now frequently visited Frau Salden; we talked much of worldly and spiritual affairs; she was alternately merry and unembarrassed, or grave, solemn and reserved. Then again, from time to time, it was as though she were not speaking in her own name, but on the part of the community; it was in order to induct me ever deeper into the secrets of the new doctrine; this I perceived soon enough, and it was particularly attractive, to me it was indeed a new religion, which only appeared before the world in biblical guise.
"Zoroaster could, just as well as Christ, stand godfather to the doctrine of the two primordial beings, fire and water, the element of darkness, its opposite and its union by means of Lucifer, the scintillant serpent-spirit, and thus through all life extended the contradiction of the two-headed principle. Did not the minister himself, in the circle of the elect, pronounce that the old law had outlived itself, and proclaim the approach of the Millennium.
"Yet in me also lively doubts were kindled as to how he could control those fundamental powers of everything living. The revelation of light which had been proclaimed to me, was not lost; I interpreted it in my own way, and brought it into unison with the delights of Nature which had often enraptured me; but the beautiful woman had greater power over me than the priestess; in her eyes I forgot the Millennium, and all its apostles in her seraph's kisses. The pious and solemn greeting at meeting and parting, burned for me like earthly fire, and I could not conceal from myself that an unholy passion had taken possession of me; unholy because it was a misuse of holy forms, because it broke distractingly into all circles of my thoughts and feelings.