1069. Two English gentlemen, some time ago, visited the field of Bannockburn, so celebrated for the total defeat of the English army, by Robert Bruce, with an army of Scottish heroes, not one fourth their number. A sensible countryman pointed out the positions of both armies, the stone where the Bruce’s standard was fixed during the battle, &c. Highly satisfied with his attention, the gentleman, on leaving him, pressed his acceptance of a crown-piece. Na, na, said the honest man, returning the money, keep your crown-piece; the English hae paid dear enough already for seeing the field of Bannockburn.
1070. Soon after Dr. Johnson’s return from Scotland to London, a Scottish lady, at whose house he was, as a compliment, ordered some hotch-potch for his dinner. After the doctor had tasted it, she asked him if it was good? To which he replied, Very good for hogs! Then, pray, said the lady, let me help you to a little more.
1071. A noble lord a short time ago applied to a pawn-broker to lend him 1000 guineas on his wife’s jewels, for which he had paid 4000. Take the articles to pieces, said his lordship, number the stones, and put false ones in their place, my lady will not distinguish them. You are too late, my lord, said the pawnbroker; your lady has stolen a march upon you; these stones are false, I bought the diamonds of her ladyship a twelvemonth ago.
1072. A common councilman’s lady paying her daughter a visit at school, and inquiring what progress she had made in her education, the schoolmistress answered, Pretty good, madam, miss is very attentive: if she wants anything it is a capacity; but for that deficiency, you know we must not blame her. No, madam, replied the mother; but I blame you for not having mentioned it before. Her father, thank goodness, can afford his daughter anything, and I desire that a capacity may be bought immediately, cost what it may.
1073. A tanner near Swaff’ham, in Norfolk, invited the supervisor to dine with him, and after pushing the bottle about briskly, the supervisor took his leave; but, in passing through the tan yard, he unfortunately fell into a pit, and called lustily to the tanner to get him out. Can’t, said the tanner; if I draw any hides without giving twelve hours notice, I shall be exchequered and ruined; but I’ll go and inform the excise.
1074. As Mr. Reynell, a man of some fortune in the neighbourhood of Edinburgh, was one day taking his ride, and being, according to his own idea, a person of no small consequence, he thought proper to show it by riding on the foot-path. Meeting a plain farmer-looking man, he ordered him imperiously to get out of his way. Sir, said the other, I don’t understand this: I am upon the footpath, where I certainly have a right to walk. Do you know, sir, said Mr. Reynell, to whom you speak? I do not, indeed. Sir, I am Mr. Reynell, of Edinburgh. Well, sir, but that certainly does not entitle you to ride on the footpath, and to drive a humble pedestrian off it. Why, sir, I am a trustee of this road. If you are, you are a very bad one. You are a very impudent fellow—who are you, sir? I am John, Duke of Montague. It is almost unnecessary to add that the haughty laird, after a very awkward apology, sneaked into the main road.
1075. Lord Norbury was asking the reason of the delay that happened in a cause, and he was answered, it was because Mr. Serjeant Joy, who was to lead, was absent, but Mr. Hope, the solicitor, had said that he would return immediately; when his lordship humorously repeated the well-known lines—
Hope told a flattering tale,
That Joy would soon return.
1076. An Irish officer in Minorca was found by a gentleman who came to visit him in a morning a little ruffled, and being asked the reason, he replied he had lost a pair of fine black silk stockings out of his room, that cost eighteen shillings; but he hoped he should get them again, for he had ordered them to be cried, with a reward of half-a-crown to the person who brought them. His friend observing that this was too poor a recompense for such a pair of silk stockings: Pooh, man, replied he, I directed the crier to say they were worsted.