1232. A traveller reported to be drowned, a friend of his being in company, when the letters came that brought the first news of his death, fetched a deep sigh, with these words, God rest his soul, for he has gone the way of all flesh. Nay, said another then standing by, if he is drowned, he has gone the way of all fish.
1233. One of the great stone letters fell from the top of Northampton House and dashed out a scholar’s brains. It happened not long after, that a good honest fellow, who could neither read nor write, being in company with three or four very ingenious gentlemen, upon a sudden broke out into a deep melancholy, and said, Well, I thank God I can neither read nor write. One of the others smiling, replied, You speak strangely, for I and the rest here thank God we can do both. All’s one for that, said he, yet let myself and others be thankful we can do neither. They asked his reason; he gave them this explanation, Because, said he, we can walk the street with a security that you bookmen cannot. They desired him to explain himself. Why, said he, if one letter falling from the top of a house, had the power to knock out the brains of a scholar, what safety should we live in, to be troubled with four and twenty letters? Now, thank heaven, I have nothing to do with letters, and I cannot see that letters have anything to do with me.
1234. Two country fellows meeting at an assizes in the country, one asked the other, What news, and how many were condemned to suffer? The other answered, This hath been the strangest session that ever was in my time; I have not known the like, for there is no execution at all; and is it not worth observation, that so many justices should sit on the bench, and not one thought proper to be hanged?
1235. Miss Pope was one evening in the green-room, commenting on the excellencies of Garrick, when, amongst other things, she said, he had the most wonderful eye imaginable—an eye, to use a vulgar phrase, that would penetrate through a deal board. Ay, cried Wewitzer, I now understand what they call a gimlet eye.
1236. A worthy gentleman and good scholar had been a long time in disgrace with Queen Elizabeth, the reason I know not, nor am willing to examine; but a friend of his, who was in great favour at court, persuaded the queen to give him an audience. The time came, and after the customary introduction, the queen said, I understand you are a great scholar; may I ask you one question? Anything, madam, said he, that I am capable of resolving. Then pray you, how many vowels are there? Madam, that is a question a schoolboy can resolve, but since you would be answered by me, there are five. Five, said her majesty—well, of these five, which can we best spare? Not any of them, madam, replied he, without corrupting our natural dialect. Yes, replied the queen, I can tell you, for of all these, we can (for our own part) best spare u [you].
1237. One gentleman objecting to another, that he was the first of his house, the other answered, That I am the first of my house, is so much more to my honour—you are likely to be the last of yours.
1238. One thinking with barbarous Latin to confound a scholar, came and saluted him in these words, Ars tu fons, art thou well? To whom the scholar quickly, Asinus fons asinus tu, that is, as well as you.
1239. Two fellows purposing a journey, hired a horse betwixt them, to ride by turns; the one laid down half the hire, and called upon his partner for the other half, which he willingly paid; which being done, said he, Mark the conditions between us, which are these—when I ride, then you shall go on foot; and when you go on foot, then I shall ride; that is the condition—will you stand to it? Yes, with all my heart, said the other. So the first mounted and rode the whole journey, and left the other to come on foot after him.
1240. A sleepy waiter, sitting asleep under the pulpit, the preacher beating his desk so hard, that he being suddenly awakened, cried out in a loud voice, Coming, sir, coming.
1241. Two gentlemen having quarrelled in a passage, one of them, wishing to make his escape from the house, asked, How shall I get by you? Get by me! replied the other, what did I ever get by you?