1251. A talking barber once asked a gentleman in what fashion he would be trimmed, In silence, was the reply.
1252. It is related of a well-known magistrate of times past, that being often deceived by false rumours of Queen Elizabeth’s death, he protested that he would never believe she was dead, until he saw it under her own hand.
1253. A good fellow having tippled rather too liberally, and his head being fuller of liquor than discretion, as he went along the streets, happened in the dark to run against a post; and he, conceiving it to have been some man that had affronted him, fell upon the post with his fists, and of course soon beat off all the skin from his knuckles. One coming by, demanded of him, what was the matter? Why, said he, I have met here with a rascal who jostled me, and will not suffer me to pass quietly by him. Alas, see, said the other, you are mistaken, it is a post. A post! said he, why then he should have blown his horn.
1254. A cook of one of the colleges at Cambridge, serving up dinner, gave to one of the assistants a neat’s tongue to put upon the table; the fellow not having firm hold of the dish, let it fall to the ground, so that it was not fit for serving, whereat the cook was very angry; the poor fellow begged the cook not to be so very angry, it was but a lapsus linguae.
1255. Two or three gentlemen visiting a citizen, he, at their departure, asked them if they would please to take a glass of beer, apologizing for its being small beer, but such as contented him and his family; they accepted it, saying, it was no matter for the smallness, so it were fresh. One of them tasting it, the other asked him if the beer was fresh. Yes, quoth he, I assure you it is fresh, as if it had been all night in water.
1256. At a general assizes in Queen Elizabeth’s days, two plain country fellows having some business there, were gazing upon the bench, until the time they should be called, discoursing betwixt themselves, said the one to the other, I much wonder at one thing, and would gladly be resolved thereof: the other demanding of him what it was he wished to know, was answered, I have often mused with myself, why all the judges go shaven, and there is no appearance of a beard to be seen amongst them all. To which the other replied, Neighbour, that is a doubt which is easily decided; for in this place they ought to wear no beards, for you ought to know they represent her majesty.
1257. In many towns of this kingdom, mechanics are often made mayors. Amongst others, one who was elected to that office, thought it would be but becoming that his wife should be dressed according to the dignity of the situation, and accordingly ordered her new apparel from top to toe; she not accustomed to such gaiety, was not a little proud, and coming somewhat late to church, at the moment when the auditory rose up for the reverence of the gospel, which she mistaking, and thinking it had been done to her, said aloud, I thank you all, my good friends and neighbours, I shall not be unmindful of this courtesy.
1258. A person being asked the reason why his head was so intermixed with white hairs, that it was indeed quite grey, and that not one could be seen in his beard, answered, It is no wonder, the hair of my head is older than that of my beard by twenty years.
1259. The parson of a country village, visiting one of his sick parishioners, among other comforting words, said to him, Be of good cheer, my good friend, for I hope thou wilt be carried into Paradise. To which the sick man replied, Your speech is comforting to me, for if the way is long, I should never be able to walk there.
1260. Two country fellows falling out, were at very hot words, insomuch that one gave the other the lie, who taking it in great disgrace, bent his fist and threatened revenge; the other, knowing himself unable to grapple with him, denied his words; in conclusion, the defendant was so pressed, that in plain terms he gave him the lie, saying, Thou liest to say I gave thee the lie. To which the other answered, It is well now at last that thou hast given me satisfaction.