799. Mr. Rogers was requested by Lady Holland to ask Sir Philip Francis, whether he was the author of Junius. The poet approached the knight, Will your kindness, Sir Philip, excuse my addressing to you a single question? At your peril, sir! was the harsh and the laconic answer. The bard returned to his friends, who eagerly asked him the result of his application. I don’t know, he answered, whether he is Junius: but, if he be, he is certainly Junius Brutus.
800. A girl forced by her parents into a disagreeable match with an old man, whom she detested, when the clergyman came to that part of the service where the bride is asked if she consents to take the bridegroom for her husband, said, with great simplicity, Oh dear, no, sir; but you are the first person who has asked my opinion upon the affair.
801. It is well known that the veterans who preside at the examinations of surgeons, question minutely those who wish to become qualified. After answering very satisfactorily to the numerous inquiries made, a young gentleman was asked, if he wished to give his patient a profuse perspiration, what he would prescribe. He mentioned many diaphoretic medicines in case the first failed, but the unmerciful questioner thus continued, Pray, sir, suppose none of those succeeded, what step would you take next? Why, sir, enjoined the harassed young Esculapius, I would send him here to be examined; and if that did not give him a sweat, I do not know what would.
802. There is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a remark of Lord Clare, who exclaimed at one of his legal positions, O! if that be law, Mr. Curran, I may burn my law books! Better read them, my lord, was the sarcastic and appropriate rejoinder.
803. Rock, the comedian, when at Covent Garden, advised one of the scene-shifters, who had met with an accident, to the plan of a subscription; and a few days afterwards he asked for the list of names, which, when he read it over, he returned. Why, Rock, said the poor fellow, won’t you give me something? Zounds, man, replied the other, didn’t I give you the hint.
804. When Mr. Hankey was in vogue as a great banker, a sailor had as part of his pay, a draft on him for fifty pounds. This the sailor thought an immense sum, and calling at the house, insisted upon seeing the master in private. This was at length acceded to; and when the banker and the sailor met together, the following conversation ensued. Sailor: Mr. Hankey, I’ve got a tickler for you—didn’t like to expose you before the lads.—Hankey: That was kind. Pray, what’s this tickler?—Sailor: Never mind, don’t be afraid, I won’t hurt you; ’tis a fifty.—Hankey: Ah! that’s a tickler, indeed.—Sailor: Don’t fret; give me five pounds now, and the rest at so much a week, I shan’t mention it to anybody.
805. A conceited coxcomb once said to a barber’s boy, Did you ever shave a monkey? Why no, sir, replied the boy, never; but if you will please to sit down, I will try.
806. An Irishman, a short time since, bid an extraordinary price for an alarum clock, and gave as a reason, That, as he loved to rise early, he had nothing to do but to pull the string, and he could wake himself.
807. A certain noble lord being in his early years much addicted to dissipation, his mother advised him to take example by a gentleman, whose food was herbs, and his drink water. What! madam, said he, would you have me to imitate a man who eats like a beast and drinks like a fish?