"Why have I never married?" the old bachelor said in reply to a leading question. "Well, once upon a time, in a crowd, I trod on a lady's gown. She turned furiously, beginning, 'You clumsy brute!' Then she smiled sweetly and said, 'Oh, I beg pardon! I thought you were my husband! No; it really doesn't matter in the least.'
"And when I came to think it over, I decided that maybe I'd just as well let marriage alone."
"I hear the sea captain is in hard luck. He married a girl and she ran away from him."
"Yes; he took her for a mate, but she was a skipper."
FORTUNE-TELLER—"You wish to know about your future husband?"
CUSTOMER—"No; I wish to know about the past of my present husband for future use."
"Do you act toward your wife as you did before you married her?"