"A coal stove is a cast-iron paradox. It won't burn unless you put it up; then it won't burn unless you shake it down."
Uncle Fred—Why, my girl, you've grown like a cucumber vine! What progress are you making towards matrimony?
Clara—Well, uncle, I'm on my fifth lap.
"Remember," said the teacher, "that no man ever left this earth and returned."
"There was one," spoke up a small boy.
"Who was he?"
"Santos Dumont."