I oft' from my memory seek to erase
An hour, unto you, big with shame and disgrace;
But vain the attempt, it will uppermost be,
Good heav'n forefend! I the like shou'd e'er see:
For certain it is, as I now am alive,
Another such shock I cou'd never survive:
[8]The fact I allude to you'll easily guess,
'Twas when with some friends of esteem'd politesse,
With me you once din'd, to my grief be it said,
And no little hole in your manners then made:
Blanche mange, which you doat on, was part of our fare,
Abhorr'd! be the minute, when first it came there.—
Henceforth, for your sake, I Blanche mange shall detest,
'Tho of colour the whitest, and flavour the best;
For when, you close siege, to a pyramid laid,
No respect was to persons, or decency paid:
You not only ate, 'till you cou'd eat no more,
But with it, disfigur'd your visage all o'er:
Your portrait was that, if a likeness you'd have,
Of a man ready lather'd, just going to shave:
Transported with rage, I cou'd scarce keep my seat,
And words, only found, to advise a retreat;
And order your servant to wash your face clean,
Since so dirty a spectacle never was seen:
Where then were the Graces?—that hour sound they slept,
Or else on mount Ida a jubilee kept.
To acquire the bon ton, and excel in address,
Are points upon which I must ever lay stress;
So useful they are, of importance so great,
You'll find 'em, through life, so essential a bait;
That without them as soon may you hope to succeed,
As a man teach the Classicks that never could read:
My counsel is sterling, pray bear it in mind,
A Statesman I was, and belov'd by mankind;
In pleasure, or bus'ness, les grace, les manieres,
Ensure one success, with the grave, or the fair.
"Your manners to polish, and time to amuse,
"I hope you have chosen a good [9]décrotteuse;
"[(l)] While aukward and gauche, which at present I fear"
You must not, the hem of my garment come near;
"Great merit esteem will procure it is true,
"But merit alone, be assur'd will not do.
"[(m)] Your riding and dancing I hope will conduce
"To fash'on your limbs, and to teach them their use;"
I'd have you describ'd, by your air degagée,
In order to which, il vous faut dégourdis,[10]
Of women, you best, les agrément will learn,
But be sure, in your choice, that you rightly discern,
'Twixt the dissolute fair, that wou'd ruin your fame,
And her, that real lustre will add to your name:
My joy were compleat, could I hear the world say,
Ah! comme il est galant ce petit Anglois!
"[(n)] At Paris arriv'd, you must take 'special care,
"To dress as the people of fash'on do there;
"This does not in finery so much consist,
"As the manner of wearing your cloaths, and the taste.
"Employ the best taylor the place will afford,
"Since much will depend on your premier abord,
[11]Comme un homme du grand monde il vous faut habillé
[12]Toûjours à la mode, et bien proprement mis:
"Pray find a good frisieur to do your hair well,
"Since that of your dress, is a part material:
"[(o)] Apropos, of your legs,—garter well up your hose,
"Lest careless they hang o'er the tops of your shoes;
"For nought gives a man a more slovenly air,
"Than aukward dress'd legs, and a rough head of hair
"[(p)] Be powder'd, be feather'd, be lac'd I entreat,"
From the crown of your head, to the soles of your feet;
They must not of fashion, an atom neglect,
That hope, from the women, to challenge respect;
"Whose suffrage to gain, I must beg you'll aspire,
"Since only of them you can lustre acquire."
"[(q)] My diamond buckles I fully propose,
"Your feet shall adorn, mine they now wou'd expose;"
"Of all things in nature I mostly abhor,"
A Beau, on the verge, of years fifty and four:
Accept them, I beg, with injunction severe,
"[(r)] To buckle them straight," since to me 'tis not clear,
But one on the outside your foot may be plac'd,
And one on the in, as a proof of your taste;
If this, of a certainty, I cou'd but know,
Without shoes, or buckles, for me you should go.
"[(s)] Of swords, canes, and snuff boxes, might I advise,
"If elegant, one may of each well suffice:"
There are, who will lavish, on baubles like these,
A sum wou'd procure independence and ease:
Such Beings, alas! not a shilling would lend,
To save from despair, a poor indigent friend:
Oh! shut not your ear, 'gainst the cry of distress,
May the sense of their woes, prove their means of redress:
Tho' chance, in your favour, some difference has made,
No distinction to rank, will hereafter be paid:
Sufficient that thought, human pride to subdue,
Pray let it not pass unregarded by you.
"[(t)] [13]Comment vont les Graces, prithee how do they fare,
"Of them have you studied [14]le grand art de plaire?
"If you, in the beau monde, success would ensure,
"[(u)] In your manners attend to a certain douceur:
"The French, this douceur, do most highly esteem,
"'Tis in short [15]l'aimable, le tout chose with them;
Acquire it, dear Phil, or I fair warning give,—
I ne'er wish to see you as long as you live.
"[(v)] In your person be cleanly, I humbly intreat,
"And attend to your teeth, that your breath may be sweet,
"Your nails too keep par'd, I outrageous should be,
"If them, tipt with black, I should happen to see.
"By you, may these hints, not improper be held,
"[(w)] Since once, 'bove your fellows, in dirt you excell'd;
"And oft', when a lad, have you suffer'd disgrace,
"For neglecting to wash both your hands, and your face:"
'Tho trifling these matters, to you, may appear,
With me, they weigh more than the gold of Ophir;
Since a dunce well accomplish'd more merit can boast,
Than a book-worm that smells of the deep college rust.
A father, I am, to your faults nothing blind,
And claim a free licence for speaking my mind;
"By this lecture on cleanliness, all I propose is,
"[(x)] That you may not offend peoples eyes, or their noses."
"[(y)] A bill I receiv'd, but the truth to confess,
"It puzzl'd me much at the drawer to guess;
"No advice you had given of such an intent,
"From which I suspected, a fraud might be meant;
"Since always in matters of business, like these,
"'Tis usual the party in time to apprize:
"And what more confirmed these suspicions, my friend,
"It did not appear to have ever been sign'd:
"The person that brought it, desir'd me to look,
"Again at the bottom, where what I mistook
"For somebody's mark, by the help of a glass,
"Your name really prov'd,—to my sorrow, alas!
"Since wrote in a hand, both the worst, and the least,
"In my life I beheld, it must needs be confess'd:
"And rather, by far, I'd have lost the whole sum,
"Than such a vile scrawl from your hand should have come.
[(z)] In spelling, my son, I shall give you your due,
For so great a proficient on yearth I ne'er knew;
"Enduce, for induce, you now actually spell,
"For grandeur, grandure, which to you sounds as well;
"Two capital blunders, I beg you will note,
"Since few of my house-maids such stuff wou'd have wrote:"
To give my ideas at once their full scope,
Your progress in nonsense, inclines me to hope,
That soon an epistle, from you I shall see,
Wherein will be spelt the word joy with a g.