HOLE versus DARN.
Ned Shuter thus explained his reason for preferring to wear stockings with holes to having them darned:—“A hole,” said he, “may be the accident of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman; but a darn is premeditated poverty.”
NAUTICAL INDIFFERENCE.
A sailor at the battle of Trafalgar had his leg shot off below the knee. “That’s but a shilling touch,” said he, alluding to the scale of pensions for wounds; “an inch higher and I should have had my eighteenpence for it.” As they were taking him away to get his leg dressed he called to a brother tar,—“Bob, take a look for my leg, and give me the silver buckle out of my shoe; I’ll do as much for you, please God, another time.”
ALE.
A traveller, calling at a little inn, the landlord of which was very tenacious of the character of his home-brewed ale, after sipping the beverage, begged to have it warmed. “What! warm my ale!” exclaimed Boniface; “damn that stomach that won’t warm the ale, say I!” “And,” cried the potator, “damn that ale that won’t warm the stomach, say I.”
FEMALE CONTRIVANCE.
Mary Queen of Scots was a long time under the charge of George, Earl of Shrewsbury, who found the duty exceedingly troublesome, and, furthermore, attended with great danger. His wife at length contrived to get him quit of it, by representing to Elizabeth that she suspected a growing attachment between her husband and Mary. Nothing more was required with the maiden queen; Mary was soon ordered another keeper.
THE GAMESTER.
There is much philosophy in the following anecdote. At the time when the seconds in a duel used to engage as heartily as the principals, a gentleman, who had had a run of good luck at cards, was asked to act in that capacity to a friend. “I am not,” said he, “the man for your purpose; but go and apply to him from whom I won a thousand guineas last night, and I warrant you he will fight like any devil.”